Molested

My earliest memories consist of being at my grandma’s house and playing barbies with my cousins. Legos, barbies, and cartoons all children like myself wanted... But why did he start touching me like that? What makes someone think to do that to a young child? Did he learn that from someone else or did it happen to him as well? Regardless of the reason, it was happening to me... I never really understood what was going on just that it happened often and not by only one person.. My whole life has been sexualized, I just can’t get away from it. It happened for 5 years I grew up with it... being touched in between my legs had become the norm for me.. playing daddy and mommy, being a patient, being a toy... I’m not even sure how I feel about it even today... He and they took something from me but I don’t remember what it was or if I can even say I’ve ever had it... is that why I’m so messed up now? Am I trying to heal myself by being messed up in the head today? Doubtful... It took him getting caught by his sister for me to finally talk up. She knew what he was doing to me. She recognized what he was doing, because he had done that to her too... my cousin a few yours older than myself knew what her big brother was doing to me and wanted to stop him... she saw a 9 year old girl being taken advantage of, I wonder what went through her mind.. no one talks about it anymore so I can’t just ask her...

We decided to tell our parents... took a long decision making and crying session between a child and a prepubescent girl... we finally told.. But why didn’t anyone believe me?? My mom says I didn’t act like someone who was molested... she knows what that’s like first hand and I didn’t act the way she did so I must be lying... How can I be lying and to who? Am I supposed to hate my cousin? I wasn’t angry or full of hatred, I just wanted it to stop... How could I hate someone who was there when I was growing up? He was there when I played barbies and he was there with his hand between my legs as my legs grew longer. He gave me candy and I gave him my childhood.