If I Could Be ..

You remember back in high school when teachers told us to imagine or write about where we plan to be in 5, 10, and 20 years? I always struggled with that assignment. I struggled then and I’m struggling now.

I’m not struggling because I’m incapable of being something successful, but I never wanted to be a successor of someone else’s vision. What people deem as successful isn’t appealing to me. It isn’t interesting or intriguing. To be a doctor, lawyer or scientist was never my vision, but those were always the big careers being pushed.

I was a kid and money didn’t matter to me. I wanted to live in a van and travel. I wanted to live on beaches and in mountains. To be one with nature. I wanted to be free. I still do.

As a teenager, I knew a van needed to be purchased and kept well maintained. Gas is needed to be able to go vroom vroom. I knew I would need some sort of an actual source of income, and I would have to be responsible but that was my dream. I still want to be the successor childhood me envisioned.

Was it wrong that while all my classmates were planning their futures, sending applications off to colleges, I was looking at vans. I was researching the coast line and roads to travel, places to see.

I had planned to take my first year out of high school off and work on getting my van which meant getting my first job. I planned on saving up, so I would have money to see some of my desired views.

But My plans changed as my mother enrolled me in my local community college.

I wasn’t angry at her for it, but I was surely disappointed. Ultimately, I knew it was the adult decision I should have made. I spent almost two years in a program I did not like. I Was sexually harassed during the biggest assignment of the semester by a visiting guest. This was the last class I needed for the program, but when I reported it, I was dropped from the class causing a failing grade.

I dropped out of the program as that was the last class needed to graduate. I learned that the teacher for that class was the only one administering it, so I went on to pursue something else that I had a little more interest in, not a lot but more than the last. The resulting consequence of failing the course caused me to lose my financial aid, so finishing this new program is taking longer.

I’ve taken several semesters off in between, working full time jobs, realizing that I am stuck in a corporate world who would replace me the next day if I dropped dead. I am nothing but a number in their system. I’m not even a name, but a number.

I received a promotion, nothing great, but it was something. I was passed over for the promotion approximately six times all by men who did not possess the knowledge or skills of the job in any shape or form. None of them lasted more than a couple of months; it was quite a sight to see, them all confused and worry beaming from their eyes. But it’s a man’s world, the corporate world, and I am a number.

I got back into the idea of pushing to finish this program, so many years have now passed and it’s time. I’m about half way through anyways. I applied for a job that I wasn’t qualified for within my current education field. I think I sold them in my cover letter because I received an invitation link to all of their job openings so I can apply to as many as I’d like including the original one.

Twas the kick I needed as my corporate man’s world job fired me while on an approved unpaid leave. No reason. Just terminated. Five years wasted with a company only to be given one promotion after realizing man is not leader just because man has a wiener. Not a single reprimand, verbal or written. I worked hard. Above and beyond to the point that leave was required because my body was shutting down on me.

Terminated for being sick. They couldn’t even wait to replace me.

I hope my younger self isn’t as disappointed in me as I am with myself . I owe her an apology, I owe her a vacation.