I Was Too Weak to Love

I grew up in Houston, Texas and Steve was born in Birmingham.

My grandparents lived in Birmingham and my family has been traveling once or twice a year since I was 5 years old.

However, we didn’t meet the Hamptons family in Birmingham, but in the sunny state of Texas!

My grandparents heard them sing at the Moonlight on The Mountain (Crestwood) live concert, they were so impressed with their music so they invited them over.

My grandfather was a pianist. If there was anything he loved more in life, it was making people happy with his music.

Nowadays, some people say there is no love at first sight. But the first time I saw him, I fell in love! I was completely captivated by Steve and his seductive smile! That night it all started for me. I began to pray that if it was God’s plan, he would direct lives together.

So in February 2008, the Hamptons first came to Texas … I remember that night so well.

I knew nothing about this family except that they were a popular family of folklores from Crestwood Birmingham. We met them at our friend’s house, Jackson’s family, we had a pizza party and spent the evening there.

I remember the first time I saw Steve. Some of the girls and I were sitting at the kitchen table and he, Louis, and my cousin were sitting at a table outside by the window.

The first thing I thought when I saw him was, “Wow, he’s cute!” … And at the time I didn’t even know his name. (I learned his name shortly afterwards.) And that’s where it all started.

I was only 17 at the time, and to be honest, I thought it was a bit weird to feel so incredibly attracted to this guy I knew almost nothing about!

But I didn’t know it was all part of God’s plan, and he prepared my heart and saved it for the future.

It was all I could say before he tilted my head and gently put his lips on mine. It was the sweetest, most loving kiss he’d ever given me, but then it turned to hungry passion, then his fingers started to press behind my back to pull me closer.

Two days later, my cousin and his friends invited Steve over for pizza. Before Steve and his friends arrived, some of us were playing a game in a room. Toward the end of the game, Steve came in to say hello.

Nowadays, some people say there is no love at first sight. But at first glance, I fell in love with him! We had a great night playing and I was completely captivated by Steve and his seductive smile!

That night it all started for me. I began to pray that if it was God’s plan, he would rule our lives together.

And since my grandparents had farms in near Crestwood, I was happy to hear that she would be visiting them in the summer.

Time passed so quickly that Steve and his family returned to Birmingham. As our families became friends, we only saw each other twice a year, once in July when I was visiting my grandparents and once in February when his family was in Texas.

I’ve gotten to know Steve over the years, watch him from a distance, and get to know him by spending time with his family.

I soon noticed more than Steve’s charming looks. My heart was drawn to him in a different way.

I found that he had a genuine love for Christ and that he worked very hard, determined, funny, and that he was a lot of fun to be with. And I loved watching him play with his younger siblings! It melted my heart!

But at the same time, I was very careful and prayed that I would have the strength not to show Steve the slightest favoritism because I didn’t want to move too quickly in getting to know him as a friend.

I wanted to seek God’s will in this situation and nothing out of selfish desire.

In the summer of 2012, I was lucky enough to go on a missionary trip to Australia. I was 22 at the time and had prayed a lot for my future, especially Steve.

I knew I wanted to get to know him better and thought it would be good to tell my parents about it, but I thought it would have to wait until the summer was over.

The week before I left for Australia, Mom, Dad, and I went out to dinner and asked, among other things, they asked if I had prayed about the person I would one day marry. I told them what I thought of Steve.

They replied that they had also prayed and that it was him who they have been prayed for. It was a confirmation to me that they already approve of me and Steve, and that he was in their hearts.

After a great summer, my parents and I flew to Birmingham to spend a few days with my grandparents. We flew into Huntsville and the Hamptons brought their bus with my grandparents to pick us up.

The very first thing I saw when I got off the plane was a handsome, tanned boy, with brown eyes, he almost left me breathless.

My desire to get to know Steve grew. I wanted to know the real Steve Hampton, his hopes and dreams, his perspective on life and spiritual matters, the things he liked and didn’t like; I wanted to know everything.

During the few days I spent in Birmingham, I found myself constantly praying that God would always keep my heart, but that Steve and I could one day be together.

My desire to get to know Steve grew. I wanted to know the real Steve Hampton, his hopes and dreams, his perspective on life and spiritual matters, the things he liked and didn’t like; I wanted to know everything.

I wanted to be able to talk to him, more than just casual conversations. I wanted to spend time with him, I knew he was the one I wanted to cherish, love, honor, respect and adore for the rest of my life! The only question now was when?

The next year and a half was a wonderful journey to get to know the man to whom I had prayed so much and thought about.

So many things I’d hoped for in a man were exactly what Steve is and more. It was fun sharing our dreams and hopes, comparing our years of growth, and seeking God together for what He would have in our future.

I already knew I wanted him in my life forever and I would have said yes if he proposed. But as they say, first love never lasts!

I’m so in love. I love it with all my heart. He is perfect. He makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better when I’m in a bad mood.

In February 2014 we went on a trip to Florida. And this time I was nervous. It was the first time Steve and I had gone for travelled alone since we started dating.

We went to Olive Garden and stayed until they closed. We got used to staying until closing time when we went out on a date!

We talked about a lot of things that night, but one thing I’ll never forget is when Steve said, ‘For me, it was kind of love at first sight.’ To hear him say it was great!

Remember, all the years that I prayed for him, he prayed for me too! And how cool that God drew our two hearts together at such a young age!

I’m so in love. I love it with all my heart. He is perfect. He makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better when I’m in a bad mood.

As we got closer, it became more difficult for us to live in separate states. So we decided to live together. Steve had grown up in Houston, so we had a two-bedroom apartment near my parents’ house.

Steve was away a lot, so I spent time with my parents when he wasn’t in town.

One day, Steve received a call to take a six-month temporary assignment in Singapore.

There is no way I can be alone in our apartment while he is gone and not break down. I decide to stay with my parents for a few days.

It was around 6 a.m. and I made sure to tell my parents to wake me up thirty minutes early so I could prepare for Steve’s journey.

I was lost in thought and my eyes popping out of my mind when I saw Steve walking through the car in black skinny jeans, a tank top and a leather jacket he wears so well.

He leans back against the car and the next thing I know my feet was taking my body towards him and when I stop he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer. I feel his warm hands slide down my back while the other one slides down my cheek.

“Do you really have to go for six months?” It was all I could say before he tilted my head and gently put his lips on mine.

It was the sweetest, most loving kiss he’d ever given me, but then it turned to hungry passion, then his fingers started to press behind my back to pull me closer.

I found it was a leap of faith that he decided to do this while my parents were still talking.

His lips moved across mine with such grace that I’m sure if his arms weren’t wrapped around me I would have fallen, but before I knew it, it was over and the result was breathtaking.

Saying goodbye was difficult and that’s how our relationship continued from many phone calls to long hours on skyping and texting!

Our once passionate love has been replaced by sharp stones of issues of trust, betrayal and loneliness — a road that has become impassable.

Everything changed two weeks after Steve moved to Singapore. The distance between us had become our greatest enemy.

Steve was just too busy. He didn’t have time for his hobbies and he didn’t have time to communicate with me. And I had found a babysitting job, which was stressful and time-consuming.

Our 5 hours of skyping are reduced to 20 minutes. I got very paranoid. I wanted to know every detail of where Steve was. What he does, or with whom at all times. We’d fight over little things.

Six months later, I picked up Steve from the airport. It was easy to pick up where we left off because there was nothing really wrong with our relationship — no dating, no secret texts, no porn.

But despite that, we’re definitely drifting away because we just didn’t have time together.

Our once passionate love has been replaced by sharp stones of issues of trust, betrayal and loneliness — a road that has become impassable.

Despite all these things, I wanted us to learn to love again — to get back to the moment we once experienced. I wanted to think of him as I did when he told me about his worst times and his greatest dreams.

I wanted to be overwhelmed by the fragrance of his cologne and not be affected by his morning breath. I want to feel his touch like it’s the first time again.

But unfortunately I know it is not that easy. We both have to want it. Otherwise, we will never be able to fall back on our moments of laughter and love.

We’ll be stranded and at our crossroads for a long time, or we’ll be forced to follow the path we never would.

We have finally freed ourselves from our parallel lives that were once stuck side by side, and we travel in opposite directions, almost certain to find love again, but never ours.

Published in Medium