How to Identify Forever Love

Relationships are as different as the snowflakes in winter. No instruction book exists that provides a step-by-step process for marriage success because bonds develop at unexpected moments. Love doesn’t live in a playbook.

Anyone with a checklist of characteristics to identify their one true love might as well give up now. That’s not how it works. Love cannot be itemized; it is experienced. Throw away the manual and watch others’ behaviors.

William Shakespeare penned, “They do not love that do not show their love.”

Do the unexpected

Daily behaviors expose love. The foundation of a relationship begins with friendship, when kindness guides actions.

At the age of 17, I dated for the experience. I remember the song, Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places” by Mickey Gilley played on the radio. Laughter and adventure satisfied my desires.

However, my heart beat faster when on a humid summer day, I prepared to float the river. Dressed in only enough clothes to cover the essentials, and with cold drinks in hand, Randy and I prepared for the three-hour rafting trip.

Just before getting in the water, he offered to rub suntan lotion on my back. Fear struck me because as with most teens, acne covered my face and shoulders. I wore my hair long, to cover the ugly, red pimples. As I searched for words to politely say, “No way,” he went for it, held my hair up with one hand and applied the ointment with the other.

He didn’t vomit, comment, or grimace. I never expected that. I remember hearing the song by Olivia Newton-John, I Honestly Love You just before entering the water and suddenly, I knew I was helpless around this guy.

Now after 40 years, he suprises me daily with kindness. He shares love by pouring me a cup of coffee, stoking the fire, holding my hand, and filling my car with gas.

Share everything

As couples share moments, their bond strengthens, and they realize being together feels natural; they fit. We did. I never had to question if he was the one.

Before we married, we purchased a home together. Being a little run down, our goal was to paint, carpet, and renovate the interior before we moved in together. I offered my college savings, and Randy agreed to pay my tuition after we were married. I know, risky! My parents told me repeatedly. However, if I planned to marry this man then it required a foundation of trust.

Post marriage we combined our bank accounts, shared passwords, and joined our lives as one.

Mom’s one piece of advice on the wedding day suggested whenever he got in the car, climb in beside him. That started our journey of friendship with a life-long destination. Now in retirement, we look for adventures. Depending upon our mood, we may be in our 40 foot motorhome, gliding along on our Harleys or just walking around the lake.

Accept the baggage

A physical connection evolves to adoration, respect, and devotion as each individual’s actions become a sacrifice to the other.

W loved family. He devoted himself to supporting his parents. Though most couples don’t consider their relations baggage, they often become just that.

When his father became paraplegic the year we married, the trauma did not tear us apart, it united us. We surrounded Dad with love, offered financial support from our limited wealth, and provided care to survive challenging times. Randy’s mother moved in with us as time went by and became a valued member of our home.

When my mother contracted tuberculosis and laid weak for an extended time in the hospital, Randy lifted a spoon to her mouth and fed her when she could not feed herself. He made her laugh by sharing jokes and life events. He offered her love that lit up her eyes when he walked in the room.

For years, our life held a permanent revolving door to hospitals and rehabilitation centers. But both of us accepted the baggage for the treasures inside and grew stronger through the experiences.

Don’t take life too seriously

When laughter exists in the midst of chaos, a relationship becomes real.

We laughed. Laughter sustained us through tough times and made good times great.

When I woke up with chest pains in the middle of the night, Randy made me go to the emergency room saying, “This would give a whole new meaning to waking up with a stiff one.”

When I slept on the floor beside my daughter’s bed when she was depressed, Randy tucked her in and commiserated, “Life is a shit sandwich. You have to swallow the bad crap with the sweetness.” He kissed me on the cheek before going to bed.

When our youngest daughter learned she had cancer and needed a cadaver bone as a replacement, we gathered to support each other and offered reassurances. On a walk in the woods my husband and I found a large bone from the carcass of an elk. Below a picture of us holding the bone, we wrote a caption, “We found one!” Sick joke, but it felt good to laugh. (FYI: We didn’t use that bone, but Kat had the surgery ten years ago and is a cancer survivor.)

Each event, every experience provided a reason to smile. Often during the most solemn times, laughter provided the sustenance to continue through the day and begin anew with the dawn. We learned if we don’t take life too seriously, anything is possible.

Wait for it

Special moments just happen. Take one day at a time and experience life as it comes. Love does not build a house it fills a home.

My father often talked in clichés. One of his favorite saying proved crude but placed desires in perspective. “Wish in one hand, shit in the other. See which one gets filled first.” We experienced life one day at a time knowing all our wishes may not come true while understanding dreams maintained our sanity and the shit kept us grounded and balanced.

Life consists of rainbows and flowers; but without the rain, coupled with sunshine the bright colored arches never appear and without the manure to fertilize the plants, the flowers never bloom. Through the years, I’ve learned that there is a reason clichés are overused. They make sense.

Lasting impression

Stop searching for instructions to a perfect relationship; instead, learn by observing the passion of others. Then pause to to examine your relationship. If true love exist, the passion will be seen in their eyes, felt through their touch, heard with their words, and experienced daily.

Randy and I don’t own that first house we purchased in our youth, but it still stands. In the backyard where we poured a concrete patio, our handprints still exist. They represent a moment pressed into cement to weather the tests of time.

Our marriage consisted of unexpected moments filled with baggage and bliss. We do say, “I love you,” but more importantly we show our love.

Doubting if it will last? Curious if this is the real thing? Wondering if he or she is the one? Watch their behaviors, observe their actions to find the answers.