How she saved me.

This story of my own personal experience is just that, personal. I am happy for my first time talking (or rather writing) about this is my first. And I am happy to be sharing my experience of one of the most kindest thing my mother did for me in my adulthood. Speaking from my own experience as a mother, when a mother bathes her child it is more than just a tub and some water. It is a ceremony of devotion and love. It is a form of therapy and a moment of peace. Filled with laughter and smiles and song, when a mother bathes her child it is the most precious thing in the world.

Saying that, this is the story of how my trust got broken, how respect got lost, my will thrown out and my dignity burnt. The story of how I got raped by the man I thought respected me and how my mother picked me back up and helped me and showed kindness in my lowest state.

It was a year after I had given birth when I met the man that would mark me. I had just gotten out of a long relationship with the father to my child and I never thought anyone would ever find me attractive never mind love me. I had forgotten my self worth long before whilst in my previous relationship.

It was my first night going outside the house since the day I gave birth. And my friend dragged me out to try and get me to move on from the couch and the tv which I had a beautiful relationship with at the time.

He caught me eye straight away, tall with short blonde hair and a long nose. A quick wit and charming persona, it didn’t take much to get me interested in him. He had just broken up with his girlfriend at the time and he showed me a lot of interest. He was gentle and caring we went out a couple of times, the conversation was nice. We ended up spending a night together. It was the first time I had been with a man since conceiving my child and it made me feel less self-conscience. Funny, how the man that brought back my confidence was the man that would years later break me.

Matters with his ex- girlfriend immediately became ‘complicated’ and he went back to make good with her. This hurt, he told me he had feelings for me and they was obviously returned. I felt a fool, I had forgotten about how easy it is to be played by people but I couldn’t help but completely romanticise him in my head.

It had been a year, I had stopped hanging out in the same areas that he was around and blocked him in every way possible. He was a distant memory to me and a lot of other men had been and gone between me seeing him next. I was at a bar, out with work colleagues trying to impress the boss. I was on top and my confidence could not be shaken, with my OTE being what it was and my relationship with my employers being what they was I felt as if my ego even had an ego. It was not until I spotted him at the bar that I remembered how weak I used to be and I immediately wanted to rewrite that narrative. As I walked up to the bar towards this man I remember how I felt when he chose her and what it felt like to be picked up and then dropped. Then I remembered the way the lines curled under his eyes when he smiled at me. And how it felt when the butterflies danced in my stomach when he looked at me. And suddenly I find myself smiling back at him and he walks towards me as well and says a cheeky hello to me. I was prepared to get the Smalltalk out of the way and go back to the group but then he said he was sorry and I was instantly caught of guard. He told me that night that him and his girlfriend had been done for a long while and he was so apologetic for the way he ‘handled things back in the day’ and I accepted and when he asked me to unblock him I did.

As the weeks went by he took me out once and we talked a lot. I finally felt like he was courting me. And then silence, for days and then weeks until he finally got back in contact a month later to explain to me he is back with his girlfriend. I told him we would still be friends because the feeling i had wasn’t sadness or anger. It was relief, I knew it was going to come and it did. And that was that.

I kept in contact, id talk to him about boys he would talk to me about his girlfriend and whatever they was arguing about that week. And we became closer as friends, he became someone I could rely on, he was there when my boiler broke and when someone tried breaking in. he was there when the roof started flooding and this was all platonic I never wanted him sexually ever again.

A year had passed and I was going through it. Someone I was dating just cheated on me and was just being all out mean and cold hearted. I’m not normally someone who needs an explanation but this boy told me he loved me. I hadn’t talked to my ‘friend’ in a while as he had backed off for a couple of weeks but that night he showed up at my flat.

I was completely shocked and at the time I was crying into a pillow and welcomed him into my home. I spent an hour talking him through what had happened and crying over this. About how no man has respected me in the past couple of years and how I’m beginning to think its me that attracts this kind of attention and how I am feeling so betrayed and disrespected. He then decides to relay to me the ‘real’ reason he was there at my home that night. He was not simply checking in on a friend he hadn’t heard from.

He begins to tell me that a couple weeks ago his relationship ended when feelings for me grew deeper. This man had been keeping his emotions in and waited a couple of week to confess his love for me because he wanted to wait until his relationship ending was final. He told me he loved me and I needed to get used to having him around. That he knew I have this wall up with him now but he is willing to knock it down because he knows there is something between us.

At that moment I knew, my feelings I ever had or still had were gone. I never thought he would ever fight for me so I moved on with my life. Never realised that before then. In response I told him that with everything going on I would need time to think about things but I will talk to him a couple of days from then.

As we got up to show him to the door, as we was stood in my hallway. This is where he his first demon appeared. He kissed me, it was nice. Then he kissed me again and I felt uncomfortable instantly. I pulled away. He tries pulling me back in grabbing anything of mine he could. I pulled away again. As he continued, to plead for fun and grab me and kiss what was in reach. I remember thinking the same words over and over again ‘just get it over with and he’ll leave’ thinking that if i gave in and just let him do whatever, he would leave and I would never have to see him again and I would be safe. I tried asking him to leave multiple times, telling him I wanted to take things slow I’m still not over what had happened hours before. He didn’t care, he was already abusing me. I tried pulling off him but instead he pinned me down, got it done with and walked straight out of my home. I had to listen to him say things like ‘not had good pussy like this in ages’ and ‘I’ve missed you’ these words still haunt me.

When he left me in his filth, I didn’t understand what had happened, he had only been in my home, the place where I raise my child, a little over an hour. It was like there was a cloud in my brain like fog had gotten into the crevasses that bury inside my head. I floated around my home for 2 days, the tv was on but I was not watching, music playing but I was not listening, food Infront of me that I was not eating. I didn’t even move the underwear I was wearing from my bathroom. I would just look at them when I went to the toilet. Wondering what it was that happened. The confidence turned to smoke, the butterflies now rocks in my stomach. I hadn’t washed it off me I couldn’t think to. I was weak.

It was then that my mum walked in, not hearing from me for days she came to check up on me before my son came home from his dads. I was just sat there, a blanket on the sofa. I hadn’t slept in my bed since. I could only imagine the what I looked like.

It was then that she pinched my mouth as she starred into my eyes, looking towards my soul. If it was still there. Well she must of seen something because she didn’t say a word. She walked into the other room and later came back helping me up and to walk towards the bathroom.

There was no soap in the water no candles no soft lighting. Just me, my mum a flannel and her love. It was twenty minutes of silence. Like someone had died and this was the funeral. Like she was wiping away the remnants of my past life and preparing me for burial. As she ran her soft fingers through my ragged hair, I felt calm. Then it was over, the plug pulled, the water slowly emptying.

You see this was the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. She picked me up when I thought I was dead. After, we sat down and I told her everything that happened, she held me so tight, like I was new-born again. She helped me was away what happened and showed me I wasn’t alone. And that is the best thing anyone could of done for me at that time.