Viva logo

Holding Men In Your Life Accountable

#MeToo Starts at Home

By Miss WalkerPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
Like

The Me Too Movement sparked conversation and debate around sexual assault and harassment against women. Different industries have experienced long overdue changes in their policies and introduced new ones to combat the sexual harassment suffered by many employees. These efforts have been commendable but as we know, there is still a long way to go.

While the workplace provides protection due to the controlled nature of the environment, what happens when the abuser is in a setting absent of those controls? How effective is the movement if it only works in spaces that adhere to harassment rules?

This is where the village is required to step in and hold the men accountable for their uninvited sexually charged remarks and/or actions. It is a complicated task as many of these men are unconditionally loved by us. They are our fathers, grandfathers, brothers, uncles, nephews, cousins, sons, and friends.

But how often have they recounted a story about a woman that left you looking at them sideways? Maybe he felt she was mouthing off and he abandoned her in the middle of nowhere. He may have told the story jokingly and had you busting at the seams, but did you take a moment and think about her? What if you had been the young lady having to find your way home?

Now some women will counter that and say, “I would have been fine. I always have enough money to get home,” or, “Well, she did it to herself.” To them, I ask that they have compassion for another’s situation. Projecting yourself onto the situation only causes division. It is not about what you would have done, but what was done and how we can prevent it going forward.

How often have you seen a family member shamelessly flirt with a woman whose body language said she was not interested, although she smiled her way through the unwelcome advance? You saw her squirm and her face tense as she tried to be polite, just as you may have on an occasion or two.

How often have you heard them speak abusively to women and ignored it? Did you think, “Hmph, now she knows what I go through,” and just look away?

If Uncle Lester is still invited to the cookout and all the women just warn the little girls to stay away from him, is that effective? What about the other girls Uncle Lester comes across daily; isn’t their safety important as well? Everyone who remains silent is complicit. The only way Uncle Lester can retraumatize his victim with his presence is with the support of the village.

The dirty uncle isn’t the only predator. What about the relative who slapped his girlfriend at the last family event? Did anyone pull him aside and admonish his behavior, or did they say everyone should mind their own business and continue their conversations?

Do not forget the cousin who brings a different sidepiece to every function while his wife sits at home oblivious to his actions. Do the men give him high-fives? Do the women just consider is wife dumb and therefore deserving of the treatment?

Oh yeah, and there’s that guy who everyone loves until he starts sipping that liquor; then there's no telling what he might do. Everyone laughs it off and does nothing to address the belligerent alcoholic because he’s on the Deacon Board. It’s just chalked up to the Devil’s busy work and the erratic behavior is normalized.

For the movement to truly count the work has to start at home. A blind eye cannot be turned from a callous action or word, no matter how much we love the person committing the offense. Unconditional love is not forgiving and forgetting an adored one’s mistakes.

It is being able to hold them accountable for their deeds and words to help them enhance the qualities we want others to see. Showcasing these healthier characteristics means these men are better equipped to serve their communities.

But how do you get one of these men to take the first step and recognize what they are doing is detrimental to the mental, emotional, and possibly the physical health of those around him?

While I would prefer a more diplomatic approach, some say shaming men publicly is the only way to go. They believe shunning will make an example of the offender and he will sulk off to die a miserable and shameful existence.

I believe there may be situations where the offender needs to be educated on why their behavior is unacceptable. Instead of executing a mandatory sentence for every alleged offender, why not judge each situation separately?

If shaming is agreed to be the punishment, then so be it. But, if there is a chance to reach and teach, why not take it? That person can then share the information with the ones who still hold on to dangerous ideologies. People often swallow criticism easier from someone who once shared the same mind-frame.

Silence is agreement. Remaining quiet tells the men in our lives that we approve of their actions, even if we do not. Now, I am not recommending that you should scold someone if there is a fear you will be harmed. But asking someone the person respects to talk to them about their behavior may be the right move.

Each situation is unique in its way and if you can make a breakthrough, share your best practices. Keeping communication open is essential for progress.

Now, this is a two-way street, and we must expect to be held accountable for our actions when they contradict our words. To give constructive criticism, one has to be able to receive it. To hold others accountable, one must hold themselves accountable. Then the real healing can begin.

activism
Like

About the Creator

Miss Walker

New Jersey native. Inquisitive nerd. Committed to life-long learning and making my voice heard.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.