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Fine China

Meet R.

By R LilyPublished 6 years ago 10 min read
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I mean... I guess you could call me crazy... or you could just call me hurt. Either name works I suppose. I mean... it wasn't like I was trying to go from 0-100. But, he led me there you know? He led me to cry and hurt and feel all sorts of ways.

You see, I don't open myself up to people. It's a ridiculous thing to do. Especially with men. Why open yourself up to someone that will have the power to make you feel so small and feeble? Just ridiculous don't you think?

But. I did. I did and I was stupid for it.

I saw him everyday for a few months. I would walk by or buy something from his store just so I could speak to him or talk to him. He has beautiful blue eyes and a pretty head of hair. Which is all that was really attractive about him.

To be honest, till this day... I don't know why I was attracted to him at all. He doesn't have a great body and there are people with better faces......

Anyways. Regardless, I fell for him.

I was was going slowly at first. I didn't sleep with him the first night ( I usually hit it and quit it. Sex and I have a twisted relationship), I didn't even sleep at his house the first night. I didn't do any of that. I was coasting.

And then it happened. We hung out a few more times.

He kept asking if I would have sex with him...

The first few times I said no. I mean, I was actually starting to like him. And sex ruins everything. So why would I sleep with him within the first month? That's just stupid right? I should know better.

But, he just kept asking.

And I don't want to make him mad.

I don't want him to stop wanting to see me.

I don't want him to stop liking me.

To stop touching me.

To stop looking at me like a prize.

I didn't want to give up the attention that he was giving me.

So, I gave in.

He said we didn't have to.

So I said ok and settled back down.

But then he just kept asking. So I did it.

And we continued to do it.

We went on a weekend camping trip to Joshua Tree. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I felt free and amazing. We slept under the stars and my heart was so full I thought it might burst. I couldn't believe that I had finally found someone to make me feel this awesome and free.

Maybe he did want me for more than my body...?

So we kept seeing each other.

We had sleep overs and some nights we didn't even have sex. We would just cuddle and watch Will and Grace. I liked his friends, his friends seemed cool with me.

Paradise right?

Then one day I get told that we need to start having distance. I ask why... he says because we just don't "mesh" perfectly together.

I crinkle my eye brows and shake my head... "But nobody is perfect... there will always be things about the other person that are going to annoy you. Did I do something?"

He looks away from me and says "No, I don't know what it is to be honest. We just don't work well together."

Well... ok... what?

That same day he spent the entire day with me and we cuddled until the next morning.

None of this makes sense right?

So I am still confused. Lost in this world of perfect harmony and then all the sudden being sent away.

Now I didn't tell you that when we first had sex he noticed my scars on my hips and arms.

These scars are self inflicted. I suffer from cutting. I haven't done it in ages since I cut myself off from all human interaction so the scars were very old but just stand out alot.

So I wonder to myself... was it my scars that turned him off and he secretly was just waiting till he got his full of me and decided to leave?

Doesn't he remember that I started cutting in the first place because I am a rape victim?

Doesn't he know that when you date someone it helps you take a look at yourself and that being with him scares me because I haven't liked someone in a really long time?

Doesn't he know that just sleeping with me and then leaving because we don't "mesh" is a slap in the face to me?

Doesn't he know that you can't just do that to someone? Especially to someone that is regaining themselves every day?

What did I do?

The next morning after I slept over we even took a shower together ( I don't do that) we had sex and he washed my body and I washed his. Then he made breakfast and I left.

I am extremely confused at this point. I don't understand wanting distance and then showing me affection. My anxiety is through the roof about this whole thing and I am now walking on eggshells and everything is pilling up in my head.

I then go a on a trip for the weekend. He calls and texts me every day for the whole weekend. I don't respond because I am thoroughly confused.

Why is he contacting me if he doesn't want to be with me? I don't block his number, because well... I am just confused.

When I come home I end up talking to him and just saying that I was confused and just want to see him. He says that we will hang out. Turns out I was busy the whole week and couldn't hang out.

I try to hang out with him the next week and he turns me down. So at this point why am I wasting my energy? I tell him that if he doesn't want to date me and doesn't want me for him to please just tell me so that I can move on.

He says "its just so hard to say it".

I beg him just to tell me so that I can stop thinking that we are moving towards something.

He finally says "Fine. I do not want to date at this time but I do think that we can be friends."

For some reason I lost it.

What did I do that he rejected me?

Was it my sadness?

Was it my victim mindset?

What did I do to deserve this?

So I beg him to meet with me. I beg him to let me plead my case.

He agrees to meet me. We talk and he stands his ground.

I begin to panic.

I am losing a friend.

Why wasn't I good enough?

What did I do?

Why do men always hurt me?

This is why I don't get close to people.

I had sex with him, wasn't it good enough?

What did I do?

What did I do?

What the fuck did I do?

I need to cut.

I start to feel very unsafe. I can't seem to move my legs and the world starts closing in on me.

He offers to drive me back to my place.

When we reach my apartment I still can't get out of the car.

My mind is racing and my legs are numb. He tries his hardest to talk to me.

To get me to calm down.

He says everything that he can think of to try and get me out of the car.

I tell him I just need to be with him. That I can't leave him. We end up going back to his place. We have a few drinks and then I fall asleep on the couch.

He wakes me up and tries to have me go to his bed so that I can be comfortable. He goes back to sleeping on the couch. I can't think while laying in his bed so I get up to pour myself a drink. He wakes up and tells me that I can't have another drink. I ask why. He says because he doesn't want me too and that he cares about me.

I yell at him and call him on his bullshit. He doesn't care about me. If he did then he wouldn't be leaving me. He wouldn't be hurting me. So I fight with him and try to take another drink. A glass ends up falling and breaking.

I tell him that I can't sleep alone and that the drink will help me. He tells me that is bs. And I say "no, really. I sleep with my mother. Please. I don't sleep well." He still denies me. So I tell him that either he comes to bed with me or that he gives me a drink. He ends up coming to bed with me and we go to sleep.

The next morning I wake up and can't bring myself to call an uber home. He offers to call one and I again lose my mind.

Why can't he just stay with me?

Why can't he see that I am hurting and that I need a friend?

Why can't he see all of these things?

I eventually force him to take me home hisself. There was even a point where I got so frustrated that I wanted to jump out of the car.

When we reached my house I couldn't walk again. There was no way that my body was letting me leave him. The whole ordeal got even more worse when my anxiety got to me. I even ran off and started cutting. I took to my hip in the worst possible way. Cutting until I could take the smell of rejection off of my skin. He eventually found me and brought my mom to try and talk some since into me.

But nothing was working. The pain was too deep. Does he not realize that I am just trying my hardest to cope?

That I don't understand how we could go from paradise to him just dropping me?

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

So I tried to stop him from pulling out. I stood behind his car until he gave me more attention.

He only ended up getting to leave because he was in someone else's parking spot.

The next day was the hardest. I went to work and tried my best not to think about him. I ended up sending fake emails and messages from another phone and email to him about me to try and get him to care.

But now I am passed getting him to like me.

Now I just want to be his friend. But who would do that after all the craziness I just let out? Will he ever see that I was just hurting? That my mind knew I was being irrational but that I just needed him to stay. I needed a friend.

Thats all.

He hates me now. Rightfully so I suppose. I've pranked him a few times, ordering carry out in his name and sending pranks call through fake numbers just to get his attention and annoy him.

Its funny. How when someone knows that they are dealing with something broken that they don't treat it with more care.

I do not condone my actions but I do fight for those with this same mindset as me. The victim mindset that sets poison to the brain and lays dormant until it is triggered to leak out.

Till this day I am beating myself up about losing him. Although I did not except be myself.

I am flawed but I am beautiful at the same time.

I am healing every day (or I'm trying to). Sometimes I still find myself trying to call him or be in his life in some type of way... but rejection is a hard thing to swallow. Especially when you do not understand the reasoning behind it.

Rape survivors are not crazy.

PTSD is a bitch.

Anxiety is cruel.

Our brain is a civil war zone.

Our emotions run high and deep.

We are not broken.

We are not ugly.

We are not victims any longer.

Be patient with us.

Like anything that has been hurt.

It takes time to love again.

Handle with care because we are all fine china.

-R

relationships
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About the Creator

R Lily

Writing stories to help others understand the mindset of those with PTSD/Anxiety due to rape.

"We are all fine china."

Instagram: @rlily__

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