Finding Strength in the Sparkliest of Places

The lights quickly dimmed. Our glamourous drag queen host strutted through the center aisle "You know I could talk about myself all night, but I think you came here for a different kind of reveal!?" The theater filled with cheers along with mine; 23 years old, and pretty tipsy for both my Bachelorette party and my first burlesque show. I raised my glass to my best friend next to me, neither of us wise to what a wild journey this show would lead to.

By the end of the night, my voice was hoarse from all the screaming for each act, all of them mesmerizing, beautiful, and powerful in under 4 minutes a song. The troupe leader thanked us in the audience and told us a bit about their group, my attention began to waver until I heard "if you felt inspired by tonight's performance and could see yourself on stage one day, we have an academy to teach you all of the ins and outs of performing." My mind raced. Could I find myself up on that stage, dancing and enchanting a crowd? I smiled to myself – filled with some liquid confidence at the thought – why not me?

Seven months later with support from my amazing husband I signed up, excited and nervous for what was in store. Once a week for the next several months I attended classes that taught me everything I needed to know about performing, but so much more about myself.

The most intimidating part for me was the costuming. Formally I’m a graphic designer and while I've always been crafty, I knew absolutely nothing about sewing, rhinestones, or any of the other materials involved. Thankfully, our troupe leader started us out small – first learning to craft pasties. They lead us on a class field trip through the closest craft store. It boggled my mind thinking about how these few simple materials could be transformed into something audience-ready, it all looked pretty unassuming. I bought double of almost everything, feeling certain I would need a few tries before being satisfied.

During this time my husband and I were in a deep fallout with one of our closest friends and in turn some of our mutual friends. Only a few months prior he had officiated our wedding. Thinking about it easily became consuming, so I was thankful to have this class to direct my thoughts whenever despair crept in. Scissors in hand I got started. It took a lot of rewinding the tutorial, a few hot glue burns, and some tassels turned to knots to get there, but after some late hours I had my first pair of pasties ready for class.

Walking into the studio expecting a craft-oriented day I was surprised to learn it was a different kind of lesson. Today was about walking, carrying ourselves with confidence, and a deeper dive into messages we all needed to hear. After rounds of different ways to strut and discussing ways to evoke emotion with our bodies, 5 post-it notes were placed on the mirror at the front of the studio. Each one had a personal reminder for us to read for the following week. As I walked toward mine reading it, I caught a lump in my throat "You are strong." it read. Suddenly my face felt hot, my eyes feeling like they were ready to tear up.

I never expected this statement to draw this out of me. I didn't feel strong, I felt so spent from the loss of my friendship that was the last thing I felt. The fact that my teacher both saw that in me and knew I needed to hear it felt so touching, validating, and overwhelming all at the same time. I noticed my classmates all seemed affected by their messages as well, each of us placing our notes in our bags for safekeeping.

Lightening the mood, we each showed off our pastie creations with pride, mine sparkling red hearts. Our teacher examined each of them with a few notes but overall positive feedback. It was encouraging to feel on the right track carrying on with my costuming projects.

Over the next several weeks I worked through rhinestoning each piece, finding both an adoration for the stones and disdain for the industrial glue to adhere them. The repetition was comforting. Each step of progress and seeing myself in the pieces I felt my joy coming back and my confidence growing. My newfound friends from class also built me up, our friendships expanded beyond the classroom into going to events around town. I felt like myself again and more – I was beautiful, loved, and strong.

Each of us prepared for our first performances and assisted with shows in the meantime. I started to meet our whole community of performers who were so welcoming and fun, even my husband became popular amongst the group.

The night of my debut was one of the most empowering nights of my life. All my closest friends got a VIP table in the front row. I was so nervous but knew from all my training, and the community support behind me I could do this. I stepped on stage and put everything I had into the act, and before I knew it, I was met with screaming cheers. Filled with pride I was met with hugs and congrats from my friends, my husband, and my teacher.

I couldn't believe how much learning this had turned how I felt about myself around. I'm so grateful that I was introduced to this community and newfound crafting hobby. Since then, I have not only made pieces for other routines but also started vending pasties at some of our shows. My husband and friends are still incredibly supportive, even helping me make pasties to sell. One of my funniest memories was having my husband, one of my male best friends, and my brother all helping me craft them for our burlesque festival around my dining room table. Who could have guessed they would all make such perfect rhinestoning assistants?

For me, this craft means so much more to me than a regular hobby. Costuming and rhinestoning has brought me closer to my friends and has expanded my community more than I ever expected. Most of all, when I create these beautiful things, I'm reminded of the beauty within myself, and all my strength in every sparkle.