Dear Family, Friends, People of the World,
For as long as I have known, you have been asking me, "When are you going to have kids?" I want to finally give you the answer you truley deserve in this well thought out letter.
I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to have children whatsoever. Yet, despite the millions of times I tell you all no, you feel that I will change my mind. Listen, I am 31 and I will make this perfectly clear- there is no changing my mind. If I could, I would have a hysterectomy right now, or have my tubes tied. I know what I do and do not want, and I DO NOT want kids.
There was a point in which I thought children were for me, but that was me changing myself in order to be with someone who I thought I loved. I had convinced myself so much that I would be so happy having kids. Not just one kid, several kids. One day I went from not wanting kids to wanting several kids. Looking back, I can see how the dynamic in the relationship changed so quickly. How I went from being happy to miserable and anxious. Why was I anxious? I was quickly changing myself to be someone I was not, and at the same time promising them things I was not even sure I could give them. Once it was all over, and the healing process began, I could finally breathe and realized the moment I changed my mind on the kids was where I made the mistake.
Children are not for everyone. I know myself well enough that I would be a miserable mother. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be a good mother. Deep down, I would be miserable. Between my mental health concerns and physical health concerns I know I do not have the energy to care for a child. I would be giving too much of myself to a child and not caring enough for me. "Oh you need to put the child first." While I believe that, I also know I need to 100% take care of me to be a 100% present mother. It would be selfish to bring a child into this world knowing I wouldn't be able to give it my all. As a therapist, I know what it does when the child does not get the proper attention, attachment, love and affection and I would not do that to them. The best way to describe me is the image below on a day to day basis-add a child to the mix and bump that up 10x more.
I also won't lie, there is a selfish piece of me that is not interested in raising a child whatsoever. I thoroughly enjoy my life childless and I prefer it stay that way. Taking on raising a child is a lot of responsibility, and that is something I just do not want to do. I enjoy being able to travel when I want; sleep when I want; have my privacy. I enjoy being able to use my own TV and not watch kid shows. I grew up not having all of that- and I am taking pride in it. I enjoy being financially stable as well. I know if I bring a child into this world I will not be able to have that luxury.
What I ask from you-Stop asking me when I am going to have kids. It is not going to happen. I am not going to change my mind. The constant questioning brings a great deal of shame to me; as if I am not living up to your expectations. However, I have decided I do not need to meet your expectations- I only have to meet mine.
Not having kids