Don't you dare dim your light for anyone

The drive was nothing but ordinary—a two-lane street lined by farmland on either side, with an occasional house every mile. No traffic lights until I made it to the small town. One Walmart, another local grocery store, and many old, red clay brick buildings stood like time capsules along the roadside until I got to the office. Their colors ranged from rustic brown to various shades of red, such as scarlet and deep burgundy. They blended in with the numerous trees during autumn as their leaves changed.

These buildings stood the actual test of time, weathered through all the different seasons. They reminded me of what it was like to build a solid foundation. Very few cars accompanied me on the drive. All the traffic occurred in my mind. The left turn into the parking lot was when the moisture became more noticeable on both hands, and my heartbeat sounded like I had an intense burst of electricity move through me. Placing the car in park and turning off the engine signaled that I had arrived and soon would need to make my way inside–to the place that changed me and taught me the most about myself.

I recall the sunshine on my face, the breeze rippling the surface of my skin, and how excited I was to embark on this new journey in my life. Having graduated recently, I was eager to begin my first job. Sometimes we look to our bosses as a mentor. Someone to guide us, who sees potential and areas for growth and improvement, someone who shows us the ropes and helps us transition into the workforce. It is not a competition. We were there to work together with a common goal; to be successful and do our best to make a difference.

As expected, I was slow and needed to learn and understand how to run a business adequately. Business management was not a covered topic during my studies. They focussed more on obtaining the proper background and skillset. As time went on, the criticisms got worse. They were never constructive, always done in a way to belittle and in the presence of others. The words used were harsh and sometimes filled with expletives. The one time I stood up for myself, he made sure to remind me that I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me. I am positive he wouldn't dare say those words to another man.

How fragile is one's ego? How long can one continue to live a lie? I know now that the person who I and everyone else knew was artificial. The version of himself that I worked with was who he indeed was. That version did its best to poison my soul.

Now I know what you're thinking. You should have left. No one should stick around and continue to subject themselves to this type of behavior.

There I was in the middle of nowhere, broke with no other friends or family around. Unfortunately, my family lacked the financial means to support me. This person was a close friend of six years. Our families interacted with each other. I trusted the version that they presented to me for years. I knew I had to leave but where can you go without money. He knew that and preyed on my weaknesses.

I had to be calculative and wait while subjecting myself to constant verbal abuse. I felt like I had failed and didn't want to tell my family. That was a wrong decision on my part. I had conversations with his family members about his treatment of me. Nothing changed.

Then that day came when I didn't show up to work. During the prior weeks, he took away my access to everything. He took away my key to the office, cleared my schedule, and demanded that I show up to work to sit around while he decided my responsibilities for the day–an example of how much control this person tried to have over me. During that time, he took the opportunity to remind me that I would never be successful in life, never become a boss, or get paid. He told me to leave. Those words were written on a note on my desk while at the office. He placed it in front of me, then grabbed it and walked out of the office as if nothing had happened.

He was a genuine, kind, respectable, and hardworking individual to the world outside. Everyone you met spoke highly of him. They had no idea that he was a narcissist and my worldly version of the devil. He told everyone I was terrible at my job and made me the bad guy. I was waiting on a paycheck that never came.

I didn't return to work after that day. Even when the office manager called to invite me to dinner to discuss my work issues with him, I didn't show up. Neither did I schedule an appointment to pick up my check. I never received my paycheck by appointment, and there was no way I was returning to that office alone to give this person another reason to subject me to their abusive nature. I had no money, but I needed to hold on to the little self-confidence I had left. I lost so much of myself that I didn't remember who I was anymore.

Thankfully, I had secured myself another job. Despite working two days a week, I was at peace and performing well despite what he thought and said about me.

There were too many times when I looked at myself in the mirror that I felt worthless and hurt. There were times when I believed the lies he told me about myself. After I left, I looked at myself in the mirror to remind the woman staring back at me that she was nothing that this pathetic person described her to be. She wasn't a failure, and she was not giving up.

I did go back to the office later to pick up my things with a police escort, and the whole time he yelled at me using explicit language in front of the staff members. You know what I did. I smiled because even though I was still hurting, I had already decided that this was the end of it. I would not allow this person to continue to influence me strongly. I had to dig deep and find myself–to remind me of the qualities that defined me. To remind me of who I was and still am. No one else's definition of me mattered. Once I collected my belongings and stepped into my car, I felt like I could finally breathe and let out a long sigh, knowing I would never go back to that place again.

I am so proud of the woman who walked out that door and finally stood up for herself. She found her superpowers after life stretched her beyond her limits. After I left, the other women in the office also left and I was so proud of them. I know now that I never lost my authentic self. He tried to bury that version of me by projecting his disdain for his true self. I am confident, and my light will continue to shine bright. I know who I am and who I will always be. I can't help it–I am me.

I will end with this song by Rihanna: Diamonds. I sing this chorus to myself as a reminder to keep shining bright.

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Thank you for reading!