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Disease of being perfect

by Kaoutaea 3 months ago in beauty
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I'm sick, I want to be perfect. I want to be ... Wow!

Look at her! She's skinny. She's got a great teeth, firm chest, long legs. Her eyes are blue like the sky and her face is clean of any acnes or scars. She's blond and when she smiles her dimples appear making her face cute. Her fingers are aligned and her nails are perfectly done and healthy. Whenever she's around, everybody stares at her. Anything she wears suit her because she has the perfect body. When she speaks, people listen. Everything she does is remarkable and unavoidable. You can keep watching her for hours, there's nothing that you would change...

Oh my god! How can I compare to that? How can I be like her? Is it possible? When? How? How long this's going to take to be half the way she is? Is it even possible? Maybe? Let me try...

Makeup, makeup, makeup. High hills (I'm so uncomfortable but I'll resist, I can do it, I can, I can...). Give me those eye lenses, let's try the "light blue" please. Hmm, look at that, they look good (But my eyes are itchy and swollen... It's okay, they'll heal eventually just don't think about them, it'll go). "Hey, so I think you'll need braces to align your teeth. Depending on the treatment, it'll cost you between $1200 and $10000." Ok, cool I'll check if my insurance can cover a part of it but I'll definitely go for it. Why does my hair look so messy even after combing? I'm getting sick of this hair, I'll just go for Keratin treatment. Unbelievable how can some live peacefully with their hair and I'm always struggling with mine. I think I'll end up cutting it as short as I can. I can't handle this mess anymore.

Someone : " You look different!". In my head : " THEY NOTICED! IT'S WORKING ". Someone else : " Straight hair doesn't suit you. You should've just let them curly as they were. You looked better that way. Just saying! ". Someone else 2 : " Hah, is this a new look or what? Do you want to impress someone? Because this is not working hahaha just kidding keep it up mate! ". In my head : " ... ". Someone else 3 : " Without high heels you'll be looking like a dwarf... Just accept it, what's with you? "...

All I can say is that it's very hard for me, mere mortal, to measure up to these high standards.

Why am I like that? Why can't I be perfect? I deserve to be happy in this life and I deserve to have at least some of those qualities. I think, I'm just not enough, it explains why they all make fun of me. I'mm a fraud. You know what? I'll call it off. In the day of the day, nothing really matters, right?

Do you think that there's such a thing as "perfect lady" or "perfect man" ?

After spending a long time figuring out what's wrong with me and facing multiple judgments and stupid bullies, I've realized that in every human being there's something wrong. Humans are designed to be "imperfect", "unfinished" and "insufficient". Perfect doesn't exist and "physical beauty" is relative. Also, have you ever thought : " What if she/he is beautiful/handsome beyond all beliefs BUT cannot lead a conversation ? BUT they're narcissists? BUT they're opportunists? BUT they're toxic? BUT they're paranoid or skeptical or psycho? ..."

You know a wise man once told me : " Adults of this generation are all looking for beautiful faces not beautiful souls or minds. This is sad but take it from the old guy : Ease up and work on your insides kiddo ". Ever since, I managed to wire my mind in a way that will help me focused on me as a whole not as an "object" . I realized that I was so dumb thinking that lenses, high heels or even braces can solve my anxiousness and add an outstanding value in my life.

You know, I knew this guy from university. The popular kind if guys, always surrounded and does have the latest electronic devices and stuffs. He looked for me only when he needed someone to explain how C programming works. Well, one day, whilst I was explaining an ultra specific process, trying my best not to judge his clumsiness and bad habits, he stopped me and says : " Wait! Wait! Look there. ". " I don't want to look nowhere, did you get what I was saying ? " I said. " Programming can wait but that girl with curves can't... OMG, I met her the other day, she told me her name but I forgot it... Check! Do I look good? " he replies. " You've got to be kidding me... Do I look like a mirror? Screw off, I'm not doing you any other favours. ". I remember leaving the library on a hurry because I was about to miss my GYM class to help someone who didn't really want to be helped. I was pissed off and out of control. He literally brought the bad out of me and didn't even care. He went to see the "GIRL WITH CURVES" and NEVER apologized for what he did. I bet he didn't even notice what has he done because he came again to ask me if I could help him figure out ... I was gone before he finished his sentence. Funny fact : he didn't pass any programming exam but managed to beg the professors to give him a second chance so that he can catch up. They, actually, gave it to him. To sum up, popular guy + bad manners = RUN.

In the opposition, I've met a guy in a room conference to debate a scientific project. The guy I'm talking about has a facial deformity called : Treacher-Collins. People in the room, stared at him surprisingly. They'd look down then look away and try their best to avoid contact with him. No one came close to him (as if he was contagious or something). Except for few fellows who seem to be his friends, I guess. He wasn't nervous, not even close to being bothered by people's immorality. I saw some of his friends checking on him constantly and I overheard him saying something like : " Bite the bullet. I'll be just fine. ". Ever since the meeting began, his interventions were all purposeful and insightful. To me, this guy is really going places. I recorded his say about a specific part and I repeated it twice at home. Through the third time, I figured out the missing piece in my final assignment and put it right then submitted my work. I'll probably never forget how he indirectly helped me. Conclusion : you can get the best from the unexpected.

You're probably wondering why did I call it a "disease". Simply because it can cause a serious personality disorders and can drive people insane. I remember that pretty girl in our class back in high school. She was always helping around, cheering and she was also a hard worker student. She was one of my best friends, so smart and friendly. They would use her help, take her for granted and when they're done they often make a fool of her. I learned a lot from her. She wasn't really fat, her body fitted her face and every part of her was just in the right place. I never really understood who's the brilliant that first came with this stupid idea. They were determined to drive her nuts especially when she defended herself. One of our friends found her in the WC repeating those words to herself : "Enough, I'm really done. I'm done.". She was holding a razor blade and willing to open her veins. Our friend called the school's coach to help getting her out before she harms herself otherwise she was definitely about to commit a suicide. She was suspended for a week and wouldn't speak to anyone after what happened.

I thoroughly believe that "Perfect" is an illusion. It's a word that only exist to stress people. To be honest, I don't even consider it. If there's something I've learned from my experience with people is that if someone is interested whatever they want to be to you, they'll step on scattered glass and go through fire to reach you. They'll waive when necessary and cross the largest seas to make it possible. Truly, I've seen people making up their relationships work out of some impossible situations. If they want to be around, they will even if you're entirely burned. If they don't want you, they'll find 10K+ excuses to escape. I don't like to give advices about these stuffs because I'm not an "expert in life" but to me, a person who would not accept me for who I am or always pushes me to be somebody I'm not and permanently criticizing who am I, what I wear, how I speak etc. is a lost cause. I'll just tell them that I'm not born to meet their criteria or maybe leave without a word because sometimes I'm just tired of proving myself and explain myself over and over again to the world that will most likely won't even consider listening/reading.



About the author


Translating my thoughts into words, lines, paragraphs and endless pages. 📜

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