An Open Letter to My Rapist

Dear Anonymous,

I trusted you, I opened up to you. We shared a part of our lives together. We shared such good memories and had such good times together. I would be lying if I said I ever saw a future with you, but in the moment you were my present. And I admired the times with you.

But then one day you decided to break me, you decide to take everything away from me, you decided to ruin the life of the person you said you loved. The day you raped me was the day I woke up and realized you’re not the person I want to be with.

What hurts me the most is you don’t even know the emotional toll you left on me, you don’t even know how you hurt me. If I’m being completely honest, you don’t even know you raped me.

See, I’m the type of person who doesn’t want to feel victimized. So when it happened I didn’t call attention to it. I didn’t scream, and yell and punch you. Although I wanted to. But in that moment a part of me died and all I could do was just lay there. You knew I didn’t want to have sex with you, you heard me say stop. You heard me say no. You watched me crying. But you still tried and you still forced it.

We stayed together even after the situation, I never mentioned it to you. You never knew I was hurt, you never knew I cried myself to sleep that night. To this day you still don’t know the hurt you’ve left on me.

I’m scared to even attempt sex with another man, I’m scared to date, I’m scared to trust, I’m scared to believe someone when they say “I love you.” You changed all these things for me, and at such a young age.

I don’t forgive you, and I hope that one day I can, I hope that one day I find a love in me that will help me to fully move forward, but today is not that day. At this point in my life I am choosing to move forward from it, not forgive, and never forget, but push forward. Fight on. Because I have let this consume me for too long now, and I deserve to live a happy life.

I know that one day I too will need forgiveness for something, so one day I will forgive you. And I don’t wish negativity upon your life, I hope that you never hurt someone the way you hurt me, and I hope that no one hurts you that way either. I would never wish the pain you have left me with on anyone.

When I wrote this letter I thought it would help give me courage to move past the hurt you left me with. But here I am again writing to you again. With the same hurt. I haven't got better. No matter how much I try, I can't get over the fact that YOU raped me. I'm struggling everyday. I can't keep a relationship because of all the emotional toll you left on my life. I'm losing everything. Your actions broke more than me. The destroyed me, I will never be the same. It scares me that I will never be happy and have a family. I can't open up to anyone, I can't give myself to anyone. I don't trust anyone. And that's all because of you. You ruined me. I hope you're happy.