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5 Comments I’ve Heard Since Being Vocal About My Childfree Choice

My choice shouldn’t be a problem.

By ElsaPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 8 min read
5 Comments I’ve Heard Since Being Vocal About My Childfree Choice
Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I always thought I would get married and have kids. I always thought that should be my main goal. Why? Because we are brought up to believe that that’s the ultimate goal. During my mid twenties, I started to think differently, I started to look at other paths and decided that motherhood is not set in stone and it’s okay to not want to be a parent.

I became a teacher at age of twenty five and during that first year, I was about 80/20 in my choice of becoming a mother. I still had that 20 percent desire to bare a child. Then I decided that motherhood was not for me. I don’t think that being a teacher was the defining point for that choice, it was only part of it. Many factors contributed to my choice but it was made. I did not and will never want to be someone’s mother.

Being Mexican-American and raised in a traditional Mexican household having children is something that everyone “should do”. It’s odd or unnerving to older generations to see a single woman without children, at least in my culture and family. I kept my choice silent for many years up until recently.

When I told my mother, she was supportive, like always. When I said “I’m sorry you won’t be a grandmother from me.” She responded with “I already have 3 grandchildren from you.” She was talking about my dogs and cat. My siblings were supportive, and surprisingly so was my father. My friends, for the most part, were also supportive. I felt jugmental vibes from friends that have kids. But there is nothing I can do about that. When I became more vocal about my choice, those that don’t matter; strangers on the internet, coworkers, non-immediate family members, etc, had a lot to say about my choice. They had a lot to say about my uterus, about my future. The following are things that I’ve heard multiple times from many of those people above.

1. You’ll Change Your Mind.

Oh, this is so common. I’ve heard this multiple times. It’s not like I’m out in the corner shouting, “I don’t want children!!” These comments come from typical conversation. I will mention one that happened recently and I’ll talk about why this one really pisses me off.

I went to the dentist recently, about a month ago during Winter Break. I decided to go to the one my step-sister works at. I filled out my paperwork, waited a while in the lobby, and got called to the back. When it was time to check-out, I went to her window.

General pleasantries occurred and then she asked the question that all single people are used to hearing, “So are you seeing anyone?” she asked. Umm yea sure, I have eyes and see people all around me. “No, not really in the dating mood right now nor in a rush for anything.” I responded. “Well you know, time goes by fast. You’re not thinking about kids?” She said. “No, I don’t want children.” I replied. She looked surprised and started chuckling. “Oh you’ll change your mind.” She said and waved me off with her hand. “No, I won’t. I don’t want them yesterday, today, or tomorrow. Not everyone wants kids.” I responded. “Oh you will. You’ll change your mind.” She repeated. “No I won’t.” I said. “Yea, yea you will.” She said again. At this point I was like “Alright cool, I’m going to get going, see you Christmas Eve.” I said as I walked out. She has three kids.

Not only is this comment rude, but to me, it’s a bit disrespectful. It’s like saying that we can’t make a choice or that our decision doesn’t matter. Or it’s as if these parents know what’s best for us. I’ve heard this multiple times in that brushing off kind of way. No. The answer is, no. I will not change my mind.

2. You’ll Regret It.

Yup. Regret is a normal human emotion. We have all felt it at some point. Maybe we cut our bangs too short, or spent too much money on a purse. Regret is normal. When I was told this, I simply responded with, “Maybe I regret it in the future and maybe I don’t. But I rather regret not having children than regret becoming a mother and not being able to do anything about it.”

It’s true. We don’t know what can happen in the future, maybe I will regret it? But I wouldn’t want to regret becoming a mother and then resent the child and be miserable. I know in my heart it’s something I don’t want and it wouldn’t be fair to the child.

There is a book I read called, Regretting Motherhood: A Study by Orna Dornath, that book was eye opening. It’s sad that there are cases like those in the study all over the world, but women keep that regret under wraps because society would eat them alive or consider them monsters. How can anyone regret becoming a mother?! It’s the most amazing thing in the world! It’s not, and it’s not for many mothers that regret, behind closed doors, bringing children into the world.

Also, I’m going to add this here. Not all people should be parents. There are horrible people out there that should have never brought children into the world. I’ll just say that cases I’ve seen in true crime documentaries prove, that not everyone should be a parent.

3. You’ll Never Know What True Love Really Is.

Dang, really?! This one hit me differently. I’ve heard it twice. One from a coworker and one from a cousin. It really shook me when I heard it. I didn’t know that you can only feel true love if you have a child! So crazy.

I have felt and feel true love all around me. I love my pets and they love me (well my dogs do, my cat just tolerates me). I love my parents, my siblings, my friends, and I’ve loved romantically. That to me, is true love. Mothers that have said that to me, in my eyes, see themselves as superior to me or those without children. As if, the love they feel for their kid is the only love there is.

That’s not the case. Did those mothers from those true crime documentaries feel that true and only love? No, they didn’t. Because again, not everyone should be a mother. So with that point, just because we aren’t mothers doesn’t mean we can’t feel true love. There are parents that hate their kids and kids that hate their parents, that love is never a guarantee anyway. Again, just crazy to me that they invalidate my love only because I’m not a mother.

That one cousin that told me that is contradicting herself because she once posted on Instagram a photo of her in her living room, alone, with the caption “My favorite time of the day, when I’m alone and undisturbed.” Hmmm that’s weird, shouldn’t your favorite time be with your kids?

Also, mothers that feel the need to say this to us that choose to be childfree, are they also saying it to those that want to be mothers but can’t? Because if they are, that’s really messed up.

4. Who Will Take Care Of You When You’re Old?

What?! Seriously, how is this one of the first things on people’s minds when it comes to children? Who will take care of me when I’m old? First of all, getting old is not a guarantee. Second of all, if I get there I am working on staying healthy so that I can take care of myself. Third of all, if I can’t take care of myself, there is a whole industry dedicated to that. Which is in fact, where a lot of parents end up at in their old age and they are put there by their kids.

This is a topic that irks a lot of childfree people. Children, don’t owe their parents anything. Children, should not be seen as a form of insurance. Children, are brought to the world without being asked so why are they automatically placed as caregivers of their parents?

There was a Buzzfeed article: This Mom Went Viral For Claiming That Kids "Don't Owe Their Parents Anything," And Lots Of People Agree by Shelby Heinrich, that talked about this topic. A mom went on Tik Tok and explained how kids don’t owe their parents nothing. Many people agreed with her, however, there were those who were offended and had a lot to say in the comments. I agree with her. Parents shouldn’t expect their kids to take care of them when they get old. It is usually a burden that falls on a daughter or the oldest daughter. Many parents believe that they are owed this free caregiver because of “everything I did for you growing up.” Umm that’s called parenting. You chose to be a parent your kid didn’t choose to be born.

I for one as an adult now, will care for my parents at their old age. Not because it was forced upon me like it is forced on many, but because it’s something I would like do for them. But some parents expect it. It’s not fair to the child to place that kind of burden on them. This shouldn’t be reason to have children, but it sadly seems to be a reason for some out there.

5. Your Pets Are Not Your Children.

This one is a constant comment. I have gotten it multiple times from all over. Yes, they are not human children but they are my children. I care for them, feed them, take them to the vet when they are sick, and I love them. So, in my eyes they are my children. I don’t know why this offends so many people.

Again, I am childfree by choice. There are many out there that want to be mothers but can’t be, for many different reasons. Perhaps they adopted a pet and to them, that is their child. Are those offended mothers also coming after those that can’t bare children? Again, if they are that is extremely messed up and disgusting.

Those are 5 comments that I have been told, since being vocal with my choice of being childfree. There are many reasons why I don’t want children. Everyone has different reasons. But it’s our choice and it shouldn’t be questioned or belittled, sadly that’s the society we live in. Childfree people are seen as sad or lonely or weird because we don’t want to parent. It shouldn’t bother anyone! Let us be. You have your pregnancy reveals, gender reveals, first words, first poop, everything posted on Instagram or Facebook and nobody questions it or criticizes it. But when we post about one tiny thing regarding being childfree, we are flooded with comments. Just let us be. Mind your life and we mind ours.

*These are my opinions and experiences, everyone is different.*

*Thank you for reading my article, I hope you enjoyed it!*

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About the Creator

Elsa

Teacher, traveler, fur baby mom, reader, and writer. I enjoy writing historical fiction stories, fiction, poetry, true crime, and nonfiction.

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    ElsaWritten by Elsa

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