Tank Wars

Eight teams from each conference will make the playoffs. You know this. A few teams will try mightily to get into the playoffs but will ultimately fail. You know this as well. Some teams have no hope. Their demise is certain. A few of those teams know this. Some are the Knicks. The worst eight teams in the league should attempt to collect L’s with impunity. They should tank. Subtlety be damned. They should do everything short of putting up a statue of General Patton and renaming their teams the Tanking Tankers from Tankville. I am a generous soul, so I am here to help. This is how the worst eight teams in the league should tank.

Eastern Conference

New York Knickerbockers

1. Hire a glory-dripping executive tied romantically to a competing franchise, tied philosophically to Marcus Aurelius and tied systemically to an extinct brand of basketball which ignores the game’s evolution in the last decade. So far so good.
2. Said executive should acquire talent far past their prime. Unless their prime is teeeeeeccccchhhnnnnically not raping people. New talent should then proclaim themselves to be a “super team” inspiring everyone to L to the OL.
3. Said executive should subtweet the team’s star, suggesting he should hit up Zillow.
4. The organization should publicly feud with a beloved former player. In short, the Knicks are right on track. I have only one suggestion: Kristaps Porzingis is regularly referred to as a unicorn. Make him play as one. Invent a fictitious facial fracture which forces him to wear a protective mast upon which sits the proud corn of a uni. And he has to wear hooves. Also the starting point guard should simply disappear for days without offering explana…oh…well okay!

Philly is built for war. They’ve been down this road. Lead us into the abyss brave warriors — lead on. The Sixers have already done the heavy lifting. They could kick it up a notch if every player had to wear revolutionary garb. Not uniforms with advanced technology, but clothing from the revolutionary period. I want to see Tommy Jefferson ball out. Good luck hitting a step back in a waistcoat!

Orlando Magic

The Magic jettisoned human frown-face emoji Serge Ibaka in an effort to be less effective at the game of basketball. They need to apply themselves if they want to win the Lonzo Ball sweepstakes. The Orlando Magic need to give heavy minutes to…real Orlando magicians. Here’s the new starting lineup:

Point Guard: Erik Olson

Best in the business. According to his bio, he specializes in visual gags. Sounds like no look passing is coming to the Amway Center. Although, he is described as a cross between “Jay Leno and David Copperfield” — which sounds like the kind of person I’d like to trip in public.

Shooting Guard: Matt Durham

Now we’re talking! Fire face! Durham is described as a “professional misfit.” He performs “outlandish stunts” for events thrown by corporate renegades like H&R Block and Fed Ex. Tell me this dude won’t wave off a screen and launch a 25-footer.

Small Forward: Randy Crain

Listen, Randy Crain is a doggone professional. He’s not here to imitate Pistol Pete (no not Maravich, Pistol Pete Greenberg, flashy magician from Tampa whose big trick is a fake bullet bit). Randy will get you 14 and 9 every night like clockwork.

Power Forward: Jim “Crowdteaser” Moody

Jim really flourished a decade ago. Drafted after Vince Carter. Fans loved his charisma, but he regularly clashed with organizational brass. Jim also penned his bio in all caps which means he’s a yeller, or just an older guy who can’t figure out how to take caps lock off.

Center: John Carlson

No stranger to hardware, Carlson is a big body in decline. He spent some time honing his craft oversees (Japan specifically). Carlson is a headliner. He knows Tucker Carlson for goodnessakes! The ball has a tendency to disappear in the post with Carlson on the floor.

Brooklyn Nets

I need a deep breath for this one. Harmony in…Nets out…harmony in…Nets out.

The Nets are Skittles-wrapper stupid and have been Charlie Brown’ing it for the past 237 years. However they did trade Bogdon Bogdanovic (whom I swore was a Despicable Me villain), which is the perfect move for a tanking team. The Nets received a lottery-protected draft pick from Washington which, barring a meteorite crashing into John Wall specifically, will yield a first round choice for the Nets. A pick in the first round is HUGE for the Nets! They haven’t made a first round selection since taking Kerry Kittles in the 1988 draft.* The Nets should duct tape a giant “K” on the front of their jerseys and call themselves the Brooklyn Knets for the rest of the year. They should invite Charles Oakley to watch every game directly behind the bench. Every move should troll the Knicks. They should play Sinatra during every timeout. OMG, they should even let Jeremy Lin play point guard! Can you imagine? Now THAT is tanking.

*Estimates.

Western Conference

Sacramento Kings

This is another situation in which the legwork has been done. Sacramento has finally parted ways with DeMarcus Cousins (more on him in a bit) in order to acquire “not even Seth Curry” Buddy Hield from the Pelicans. I watched Hield play far too many college basketball games so I may be among the few that believes he can, for real, play basketball. However, he is “years away.” Having players who need to “bulk up,” “develop,” or “grow into their bodies” are classic tenants of Tankism. Right now the Kings are giving us heavy doses of Buddy Hield/Skal Labissiere pairings, co-starring a guy that renamed himself “Trill” (shoutout Wichita!). This is good tank.

What if the Kings ended the suspense and finally moved? What if they did it without telling anyone like you did to that person you dated for five months and simply stopped responding to? The Kings should ghost. They should pack up and move to Seattle as if nothing happened. When teams show up in Sacramento all like “What the hell guys?” the Kings should act stunned and say, “We’ve always been in Seattle. That’s so weird. Oh well, we’ll catch you next time you’re up this way.” It’s like telling a significant other that wants children, “Oh no, I’m not sure I ever want kids,” just to end the relationship. The Kings would forfeit every remaining home game, alienate a dedicated fanbase, and probably be sanctioned by the league but…NEW SONICS!

New Orleans Pelicans

Puts on old-timey fedora with a PRESS card shoved into the hatband *Sits down at Remington typewriter *Smokes 90th cigarette of the day *Starts typing angrily:

THE PELICANS OF NEW ORLEANS REMAIN GHASTLY

The Pelicans should not be on this list. As alluded to above, they are now fully equipped with DeMarcus Cousins and Anthony Davis. There are plenty of reasons they still suck but the one that entices me the most is the voodoo Anthony Davis immersed himself in before the Boogie trade. Enterprising media members exposed Davis’ affinity for the dark arts. Obviously once you make a deal with the devil, there is hell to pay. AD is paying. The Pelicans are paying. God have mercy on us — we are all paying.

One course of action remains when the forces of evil are against you.

Give yourself over to the evil.

Go back to the terrifying Pelican mascot.

Witch-doctors replace trainers.

This, the most terrifying creature ever, should appear at every home game.

No cheerleaders, just screeching crones.

Travel by hearse.

First 10k fans get a shrunken head. Don’t ask where we get the heads.

This is the darkest tank.

Phoenix Suns

1. Sit Devin Booker
2. Sit Eric Bledsoe
3. Sit Devin Booker
4. Sit Eric Bledsoe
5. Sit Devin Booker
6. Sit Eric Bledsoe

7–100. More this:

Los Angeles Lakers

At one time, Magic Johnson had a television program. If the Lakers want to ensure their shot at Markele Fultz or Lonzo Ball they need to let Magic turn the franchise into a reality show. We need weekly episodes featuring the Buss siblings attempting to undermine one another. Hire Kobe as a “special consultant” who lurks around the practice court whispering horrifyingly personal streams of profanity at young players. Give us the shot of D’Angelo Russel asking Nick Young to borrow his phone. Replace Luke Walton with Bill Walton for a road trip (Bill Walton is a top 100 human).

Sign Adrian Peterson as a cross sports superstar (there is a joke in there about ball-screens and switches but I just can’t make myself).

Film it all. Give us hard knocks but for basketball — Softer Knocks.

Tank on heroes — your future is at stake.