Jared Wheeler
Bio
I teach philosophy, religious studies and communication at a small college. I am a dad and husband and spouter of multiple opinions. @jaredawheeler
Stories (20/0)
Tweets and Ink
A little over a week ago, Kevin Durant made a mistake. Which mistake he made is still debated. Did he A) Forget to log out of a burner Twitter account before commenting on a fan's question, or B) Answer said question in third person which made him sound like a ancient egomaniacal ruler? My guess is KD is in full "couldn't offer fewer shits" mode and doesn't care what the world thinks (though he apologized for suggesting he and Russell Westbrook were the only redeemable members of the Thunder during his tenure in Oklahoma City). In the maelstrom that has become the NBA offseason of late (CARMELO to OKC! DWADE to CLEVELAND!), it's important to remember just how interesting and odd the KD's Twittergate was. To remind us is an oral history of the event, through the prescient eyes of Durant's body art.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
An Expert Weighs in on Trump's Pardon
Recently inflatable leather handbag Donald Trump used his presidential pardon to save the erstwhile sheriff of Maricopa county in Arizona. Joe Arpaio (known to Trump's denizens as "Sheriff Joe" like some sort of animated lawman) is a phenomenal sheriff – If a phenomenal sheriff brutalizes prison inmates, antagonizes them proudly, engages in abuse and keeps them in horrifying conditions in an effort to reduce their sense of humanity. Ol' gunslinging Sheriff Joe even bragged about creating a concentration camp. Yet it wasn't Arpaio's fetish for medieval approach to incarceration which placed him in need of a pardon. Instead it was Joe's tendency to be an teensy bit racist.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
Tank Wars
Eight teams from each conference will make the playoffs. You know this. A few teams will try mightily to get into the playoffs but will ultimately fail. You know this as well. Some teams have no hope. Their demise is certain. A few of those teams know this. Some are the Knicks. The worst eight teams in the league should attempt to collect L’s with impunity. They should tank. Subtlety be damned. They should do everything short of putting up a statue of General Patton and renaming their teams the Tanking Tankers from Tankville. I am a generous soul, so I am here to help. This is how the worst eight teams in the league should tank.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
But How Will They Look in the Jersey?
Advanced stats are fine. WAR, VORP, +RC, HPV, WWII — all helpful as means by which we can view sports through a more precise and insightful lens. It also helps those of us who could never hit a step-back jumper over a human with go-go-gadget arms feel as though we have special access to the impossible. Analytics offer fans the comfort of science in the midst of mythology. Thus new analytic acumen must figure heavily into asset swaps. An analytically driven investigation of each NBA trade made during the past ten days would be extremely interesting…
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
An Expert Weighs in on the Meaningless NBA
I hate being happy so I recently watched the Emoji Movie with my wife and three children. Thirty years from now, when main character T.J. Miller reveals that the Emoji Movie was, in fact, a cleverly veiled attack on the American Tween’s loss of autonomy as a result of widespread digital addiction, I may appreciate this film.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
The Most Finalisty Final Four Breakdown on the Internet
Horrible things happened along the way, but here we are — four teams remain. The original bracket breakdown I wrote became an immediate cause for embarrassment. My wife left me. My daughter asked that I not attend her parent/teacher conference. One of my sons publicly disowned me through an article in the local paper; which was weird because 1) it isn’t 1823 and 2) he’s only four.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
Your Racist Uncle’s Favorite NBA Team
The New Orleans Pelicans just became your racist uncle’s favorite NBA team. Obviously this isn’t true — his favorite NBA is the college team he roots for. Exploitation of a youthful workforce for the purpose of increasing anonymous white septuagenarians is as American as gerrymandering or government surveillance. Or your racist uncle loves the Celtics. Celtics fans are like squares. Every square is a rectangle, but every rectangle isn’t a square. Every racist basketball fan I know is a Celtics fan, but not every Celtics fan is a racist. The Celtics exist on a plane of historical “whiteness” that is truly rarefied air. In 2008, Joe Willett of Bleacher Report endeavored to make a list of the greatest white basketball players of all-time. Presumably, it was written on a stationary Confederate flag before being transposed digitally. The list is all Celtics. Squares and rectangles man, squares and rectangles.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
The Worst Mock Draft on the Internet: Part II
Lawyer on Retainer: Bad marriage tier two — a bad fit Pelicans, Pick 7: Malik Monk, Kentucky The Ringer How pissed do you believe Anthony Davis is on a regular basis? I had the worst series of thoughts about AD the other night. I worried that he was brooding concerning the plight of his franchise. Then I pictured him in some jazz spot in New Orleans; his body folded into a chair, willing himself to be invisible. What if his unibrow is no longer charming to fetching young women? I bet he doesn’t even shoot at nerf hoops with nephews. He probably drives around NOLA and smokes cigarettes as he idles next to a playground court. Oh God, he’s going to get into voodoo isn’t he? Davis is averaging 27 points and 12 rebounds, with over two blocks and one steal a game. His team is twelve games under .500. Lays eh lei wonton Kangaroo lay! Last year, the Pelis drafted Buddy Heild to space the floor for Davis. Hield had a terrible, no-good first third of the season. It appears he has righted the ship to a degree, but may never be a championship caliber running mate. Speaking of…
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
Everyone Is Breaking up With Melo
Carmelo Anthony entered the NBA in 2003. That year he also ente — nope, whoops — started dating something called a La La who was a “v-jay”. I promise all of those syllables made so much sense in 2003. They seemed…happy-ish? Our societal rules for observing celebrity couples have never refined themselves beyond the extremes of worship and schadenfreude. They were together and it was a thing and they got married on TV.
By Jared Wheeler7 years ago in Unbalanced
