I Don't Sports.

I wouldn't call myself a laid back person, nor would many people in my life. I'm fairly passionate about my interests, about standing up for what's right, about being nice to animals, and about what foods can be called a sandwich. I'm fairly excitable, really. This all sounds like exactly what a really dull person trying to convince someone they aren't dull would say. I didn't even use any exclamation points. I promise you, I'm not boring! I am just trying to give you some useful background info before I say what I say. Just know that in terms of getting excited or caring about things, I am normal.

Despite my alleged capacity for excitement, I have never really been a person that feels competitive. You could absolutely stomp me in a game of Hearts and I'd be cool as a cucumber. You can beat me in a foot race and I'd just slow down to pick flowers on the way to the finish line. It's not that I don't try, or don't see a point in some friendly competition. Games are fun! Wow, I am really not helping the whole, "trust me, I'm a normal, not boring person" cause here, am I?

MY POINT IS, I just don't care if I win or lose; I don't really care if anyone wins or loses. I've played sports in my younger days but I just never really cared either way. I once got in trouble for being too friendly to the opposing team and congratulating them on their points scored and offering high fives. I could understand appreciating the skill involved, I just didn't care who won, even if I was on one of the teams. Which is why I don't understand the global affinity for watching and following sports. I have some questions for the sports world and I want answers.

I've had fun at a hockey game, I've enjoyed an NBA game up close, and I can get pretty pumped when the USA gymnastics girls nail their Olympic routines because the girl power is immaculate, but I don't really get the investment into the world of sports. I have literally seen grown men get in a fistfight in a bar because they liked differing hockey teams. Like, they yelled until the point of one man literally being in tears, and then they punched each other in the head. One of them lost a tooth. The other one's wife grabbed the keys and walked out. Over large groups of sweat-drenched men pushing around an object and trying to put it in a basket.

My first question is... what makes these teams different from each other? They all do the same thing, right? Like... they have to-- because sports have rules. They all do roughly the same thing with roughly the same amount of skill. Why is your group of sweaty people better? Is it because they have cooler outfits in better colors? Maybe their mascot is a cooler animal with better dance moves? Those things I get. Pink is obviously a nicer color than orange. A break-dancing pelican is clearly more entertaining than a cat doing the robot. These are concrete things I understand. But why is one team better than another at the exact same sport playing against the exact same teams with the exact same rules? What am I missing here?

Second and furthermore: what makes a favorite player your favorite? A favorite singer has songs you like-- and singers you don't like sing crappy songs about leaving their wives to go fishing and drink beer (or whatever). A favorite restaurant has food you like. A favorite athlete... has... sweat on their body and does the same thing all of the other athletes that play their sport do. All professional athletes are professional and skilled enough to be on the professional team they're on... which is cool... but what sets them apart while they play their game besides their varying levels of attractiveness (that you can't even see with their helmets on, or them being 4000 feet away and looking like little blobs from the stands or the TV)?

Then there's the question of why some people like certain sports but not others. Like the guy who, without me asking while I was minding my own business trying to eat chicken wings in the pub, said he likes football but not rugby because rugby is lame. I'm sorry, but let's just break that down for a second:

-Both have a weird oblong looking ball that I know I definitely cannot throw correctly,

-Both have people grabbing on to other people and pulling them down to the ground for fun. I could obviously go on and on about why I don't understand the fun in that but I'm not sure it needs much explanation. I think the people who enjoy watching that have more to explain,

-Both have people running with said oblong ball to cross a certain line and get the....goal.... point....

-Both require players to wear ugly shoes.

So please explain to me how one is better than the other? Also if anything, rugby is the cooler one, they do that thing where they lift someone up in the air or whatever and it looks like a cheer stunt. How is that not cooler than football? I don't see football players doing cool cheer stunts, or showing off their ballet skills they apparently have to hone to be good at football. Is that true? Or was that just something we were told as kids in the 90's to help us hate gendered activities?

And please don't get me started on wearing jerseys as clothing. No one is allowed to do that unless you're Kevin Smith (of Jay and Silent Bob fame), who I had to google because I couldn't remember his last name, so I typed "Kevin hockey jersey". Upon this google, I discovered that even Kevin Smith quit wearing his hockey jerseys in 2019 which was a rather big deal according to the many articles I found on it, so back to my original point, jerseys are not clothes. How does one put on a jersey and just... go run errands? Do these people also just put on hard hats and go for a walk to the corner store? Or buy Starbucks uniforms to wear to the opera?

I don't have a real issue with people liking sports, and I don't dislike sports in general; I don't pass up the opportunity to go watch live sports, or at least I didn't before the world was being ravaged by a pandemic, because live sports means live sports stadium food. I just don't care for sports ongoing. I don't understand how anyone can. And I want to understand.

So if soccer made you the man you are today, or if a dude throwing an orange ball into a net inspires you to love thy neighbour, or if you simply cannot live without watching rocks with handles slowly slide down the ice, I need to sit down with you, pour you a stiff bourbon, and ask who hurt you.