My Money Story

"I don't deserve money, I haven't earned anything."

"I should give my money away to people who need it more."

"I have a good life, and I should just be happy with that."

These are just a few of the thoughts I've had as an adult (and maybe even during my younger years). This is my money story ... the abridged version, because nobody has time for 27 years worth of STUFF.

My Upbringing

I come from a home that primarily consisted of my Dad being the breadwinner and my Mom being a stay-at-home mother. While Mom did work at various times in my life (evening owning a store for two years!), my brother being on the Autism Spectrum made it hard for her to work a typically 9-to-5 kind of job (especially since my Dad typically takes midnight shifts).

Fortunately, my Dad is an Air Traffic Controller and has been earning 6-figures almost my entire life. We've always had a roof over our heads, we took a family vacation at least once a year ... my childhood seemed good, stable.

Somehow, I managed to always surround myself with people who didn't have the same kind of upbringing -- one friend was helping her parents pay for groceries and vet bills as soon as she was old enough to get a job (taking her two years to earn enough money for a one-year university certificate program); another friend lived in the trailer park with her single mother and younger brother; another lived near the trailer park in a home that needed a lot of work and repairs ... my whole childhood/teens, I was constantly hearing from my peers about lack of money.

My Grandpa

On top of living comfortably (compared to my friends), my Grandpa was the most generous man alive. By the time I was 17, I had nearly $20,000 put into investments, from all the birthday and holiday cheques he'd written to me (as well as other gifts) throughout the year. He also paid for my first university degree, and indirectly paid for the second. He is the reason I never needed to take out student loans, and the reason I have no debt of any kind.

I'm the oldest of his four grandchildren, and with my brother being on the Spectrum, plus my two cousins being 20 years younger than me, I received a lot of love and attention from Grandpa. Not just with money though -- he'd take me out to lunch every time he visited (a couple times, I tried to pay for the lunch, and succeeded ... and he was not pleased with me), and every time I phoned him (once a month) he was genuinely excited to hear from me. We had a bond that I will forever cherish and treasure; losing him left a huge irreplaceable hole in my heart.

He was generous with all of his family members -- my Uncle, one of Grandpa's two sons, lived in Grandpa's second home for YEARS at a reduced rental price. My Dad and Uncle both called him "Grandpa Claus"; birthdays and holidays were always the obvious occasions for cheques, but sometimes Grandpa would give money out for no reason. He also donated to a numerous amount of charities ... which my Dad discovered after he passed, when he found a box of holiday cards from a wide variety of foundations and organizations (and he used them this Christmas in Grandpa's memory).

While accepting Grandpa's generosity towards his sons was fine and normal, some other family members treated me like I was spoiled -- like I demanded the money, like I believed I was entitled to it. And looking back on it, I've never asked my parents or my Grandpa for anything (nothing substantial) ... but in my early 20s, I believed these individuals and began to think I was spoiled. I began to feel unworthy and undeserving.

My Spending Habits

Most of the time, my feelings of "I don't deserve money" take over -- I buy lunch for friends, and I buy just-because gifts when I see something that reminds me of someone. I tipped a waitress 100% the other day (it was less than $40, and it was something I've always wanted to do, and I don't regret this ... but I can't afford to do that ALL the time).

I'm not only repelling money from coming in, I'm also giving away the money I do have.

I think it's worse on the days that I actually feel good about myself though ... because those days I decide to treat myself. I buy THINGS -- not always physical products, sometimes it's services -- and now I own all this STUFF that I don't use and certainly don't need. And then I feel worse about myself after I make the purchase, because not only do I have less money, I didn't use it for other people ...

So ... Why Change Now?

Losing my Grandpa, moving in with my boyfriend and starting a coaching business (all in the span of about a year and a half) have all made me realize the way I think about money -- and how I save and spend -- has not been healthy.

In order to attract money into my life, in order for my business to thrive and to be able to provide my fair share in my relationship, I knew I needed to change the way I see money. It was a necessity for me to work on my money mindset.

Which is why I picked up Get Rich Lucky B*tch by Denise Duffield-Thomas -- a phenomenal first step for me and my money journey! I can't wait to share what I've learned from Denise!

Conclusion

This is the story I tell myself, why I am the way I am with money.

With any story, it's important to ask: Is this true?

In my case, am I really and truly undeserving of money?

I finally believe this story to be false. I AM deserving of money. Not $10-billion, but the amount that's right for ME. Because that's something I learned throughout this process: You don't HAVE to make 6-figures or 7-figures if you don't WANT to have that kind of money and lifestyle.

So, I'm finally getting clear on WHY I want to attract money and HOW MUCH money I want to attract ... but I'll leave that for another article.