Scientist Predicts Midterm Elections Will End Within a Week

Sources with inside knowledge of the situation say the American midterm elections will, in fact, be over soon.

To quantify the human toil of the midterms, I spent the past week interviewing ordinary residents of middle America, and found a deep, dark reservoir of electoral angst.

“What do the midterm elections mean to you?” I asked interviewees.

Mary Smith, 64, of Dallas: “The future of the nation is riding on James Talarico. I haven’t slept in weeks!”

Duke Jackson, 32, of Ann Arbor: “If El-Sayed wins, Michigan is finished. Just finished.”

A wider view shows a population paralyzed, watching polling numbers that oscillate violently day to day  —  numbers that fundamentally are entirely based on who was naive enough to answer a spam call at 9 pm from an unknown number.

A Cloudy Forecast 

For months, cable news networks have described the political landscape using terms from another field rife with predictions: meteorology.

Political candidates’ prospects are described as “sunny”, “gloomy” or “facing headwinds” depending on the latest 0.2% fluctuation in their polling numbers.

Candidates themselves are doing little to calm the waters. 

In Florida, Republican Byron Donalds and Democrat David Jolly are making their final pitch to voters, executing a duet in which they say the exact polar opposite thing about every conceivable issue.

In Alaska, residents reported being utterly shocked to discover that there are two men named Dan Sullivan living in their state, both on the ballot.

Elsewhere, thousands of Americans admitted that the election cycle is the only time of year they look up the word “gubernatorial.”

Can I Have Your Attention Please?

The need for attention in an attention economy has bred a desperate new political theater. 

In Minnesota, James O’Keefe and companion Cam Higby were recently charged with unlawful voting after attempting to prove the existence of unlawful voting by dressing up in Islamic attire and saying they were someone else.

O’Keefe and Higby weren’t the only ones in Islamic clothing interested in the midterms.

In Iran, citizens are literally on the edge of their seats, ready to sprint toward bomb shelters depending on exit polling. Some Iranians say a Republican win in the midterms may placate Trump; others say it could embolden him to further bomb Iranian cities, with no other plan except having his new press secretary say “regime change” multiple times.

Geopolitical experts predict Trump will next move to assassinate Iran’s elected president Masoud Pezeshkian while claiming Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East.

“Bad Actors” Breach Everywhere All At Once

In a beautiful display of bipartisanship, Washington’s alphabet soup of federal agencies have told the media that “Russian proxies”, “Chinese state-sponsored hackers”, and a vast array of invisible “Bad Actors” are actively targeting the American midterm elections, a crisis that can only be resolved by a massive, immediate influx of taxpayer cash. 

Even the Department of Agriculture got in on the action, arguing that covert foreign agents are plotting an avocado shortage to sow psychological discord among suburban swing voters — all concluding that democracy is under siege, and the only known antidote is a multi-billion-dollar budget expansion.

A Payday for Some

Silicon Valley money has entered the political ring in an unprecedented avalanche as tech oligarchs push billions into local races to ensure that whichever candidate wins is deeply terrified of artificial intelligence regulation.

This influx has turned the midterms into a jackpot for advertising firms, who are currently charging tech founders up to $4 million a pop to produce 30-second television spots that look like high-budget perfume commercials but are actually warning retirees that certain school board candidates want to replace their grandchildren with non-binary algorithms. 

No matter who wins, the true victor remains the bold, visionary industry of unskippable YouTube ads.

Trust the Science

Despite the high stakes being prophesied by the media, the scientific community warns against expecting any conclusive outcomes.

According to a panel of researchers at the University of Michigan, the midterms will, through sheer forward momentum, soon become history.

“Unless a flaw in quantum theory is discovered next week, we confidently predict that a new day will pass every 24 hours, and the temporal window known as ‘election season’ will inevitably collapse into the past,” explained Professor Dan Sullivan, lead researcher of the study.

Dr. Mary Sanders, a sociologist, added:

“Our sociological modeling suggests a phenomenon we call ‘The Great Unchanging,’ in which roughly 48% of the country will be mildly displeased with the results, while the other 52% will also be mildly displeased. Regardless of the outcome, we foresee 98.7% of the country eating the exact same breakfast, at the same table, with the same people, the day after.”