Kings Who Kill Their Own

Photo by Geoff Henson

Peter the Great

Peter the Great wasn't much for sitting still. A lesson learned when the Streltsy Guard turned the Kremlin walls red long before their time. Numerous blood relatives providing the splatter, the 1682 palace coup kept Russia’s restless emperor always on the run from Moscow's intrigue. So much so that instead of draining the swamp, he filled his own and built St. Petersburg on desolate marshland. He erected a navy from nothing, too, and Russia ceased to be sedate as long as his expansive ways reigned. His son Alexie, on the other hand, was more of a homebody.

The Tsaravich was better suited playing in the sand than raising castles to give a concrete legacy to his name. “I am incapable of exertion,” he once wrote the Tsar, but the delineation began long before.

At 10, Tsar Peter was content to leave the levers to Mom so his nautical wet dreams could run wild on Russia’s shores. But despite the rewards that would come to bear, Sophia decided his waters were better calmed and forced Eudoxia Lopukhina on him. A daughter of the Orthodox Conservative’s Peter later broke with, the marriage was a doomed as a Dostoyevsky novel.

Once punishment overtook the maternal crime, Peter went off with his Grand Embassy. Like a youth hostel traveler, he discarded his kingly garb and absorbed Europe on an 18 month jaunt.

The distance, it turned out, was more detrimental on Alexie than the proximity Peter faced in the Streltsy. Ignored to distraction, Alexie’s mind further atrophied of his mother’s mysticism.

Ultimately, Peter excised his options. He had Eudoxia suited up for the sisterhood and began grooming his heir. Long lost, though, failure became the only option for the Tsaravich.

He eventually opted for self-exile in Europe. But mistaking Peter the Great for his father, Alexie agreed to return and naively believed that abdicating would leave him beyond the pale.

Alexie represented allegiance to conservative elements, and paternal instinct fell in favor of deadly statecraft. So Peter made no bones over grinding Alexie’s under the knout.

Putting the whip to shame, the strands were reinforced by metal rings, and once Peter was done with any co-conspirators, Alexie subsisted on the short end.

25 lashes didn’t have Alexie fess up his guilt trip, so Peter cued him up for 15 more. This time, Alexie copped to wishing for his father’s death, and the sovereign had his rubber stamp.

Some accounts say that Peter beat his son to death, but the knout probably did all the damage. Alexie passed with a whimper, and Peter did as much in his rationalization. A single worthless life could not stand in the way Russia’s future.

What a mother—Russia.

Ottoman Succession was Deadly and Deadening

In 1617, the Ottoman Empire leapt into the 17th century by opening a new era of civil transition. The upgrade humanely addressed any and all remaining sons who did not ascend to the throne.

Not set up to succeed at Topkapi Palace in Constantinople, the dispossessed royals stayed above it all, and the luxury locale had no shortage of veils to lift in service of the brotherly loins. Unfortunately, the potential pretenders were never allowed to leave, and despite the amenities of Kafes or the Cage, the standard conditions of the lease provided an unexpected stipulation.

Paradise descends into hell when faced with an endless supply of willingness—and the 72 virgins not taking not—the stagnation of these earthly occupants often led to insanity. Of course, if the Sultan died, one of these ill prepared and/or mentally ill successors suddenly was in charge of the empire. That obviously was not good for the realm.

But in terms of previous infighting that prevailed during succession, Kafes at least left most everyone standing—sexual positioning not withstanding.

Previously, the Ottoman’s just let all the brothers fight it out and the bracket obviously left only one winner. Complicating matters, a policy of interregnum meant the Sultan outsourced his semen and solidified foreign alliances with far reaching dalliances.

So once he took his last turn to Mecca before going aloft, the free for all stretched the empire and generationally weakened the core. Locally, though, all the princes within Constantinople proper had the first cage match occur in 1451. Mehmed II had 19 of his brother’s removed from consideration, and would actually become the crown prince of all future fratricides.

It’s good to be the king—except that the victor supposedly tore out his beard when the youngest tearfully meet his fate. There’s no confirmation that the royal wax job took hold, but the whole of Istanbul did share in Sultan’s salty discharge as the 19 corpses rolled through the streets.

Touching.

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