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Dear Theresa, Do You Want to Go Nuclear?

by Dylan Gonzalez 4 years ago in politicians

If our ringleader fancies the idea of pressing the Big Red Button (and not for a Coke), how about you?


Let's get a few things straight, right off the bat. I am from the US (specifically, New Jersey, organically raised to dislike our soon-to-be former governor and raised on Taylor ham). I already deal with a horrible, unfit, unprepared, irrational, chicken nugget looking creature that was somehow elected to lead this country. I have briefly entertained the notion of moving out of the country, probably just up to my friends in the Great White North (I do actually have friends there). But maybe, at one point, I would have considered that Great Britain might be a decent place to scope out as a new residence.

I have been there before. But I was 12 and it was part of a student trip, so I could not enjoy the wonders of a country that drank all its beer at room temperature. Today, at the age of 26, however, it would be a great thing to experience.

But, well, then you came along.

I admit that I had to do some research on you to get a good grasp of what you represented. Why was I not more up-to-date with your Wikipedia entry? I was a little caught up dealing with my very own ogre who weaseled his way into office. So, after some due diligence, I found a lot of things that you caught flack for: the Grenfell Tower fire, immigration, acting as an "ally" of the LGBTQ+ movement. But the one that stood out to me? The nuclear option.

I fear nuclear war, perhaps now more than ever. It’s ironic that Americans have been able to sleep at night despite the fact that we sit on a stockpile of 6,800 nukes and Russia has 7,000 to boot. It’s only now that we’re nervous because our boy is such a hothead, just begging for a reason to press that big red button, especially with North Korea's advancement in missile technology. That is two incredibly untactful leaders that have a trigger finger anxiously hovering over their game over button when you throw Kim Jong-un into the mix.

Do you want to make this a political three-way, Theresa? Because I have a feeling that there is a cartoonist out there who could make a wonderful (read: gross) depiction of you and the boys getting it on on a bed of nuclear warheads.

You firmly stated that you were not afraid to make use of nuclear weapons against an imminent threat. Specifically, "And I have to say to the honourable gentleman: the whole point of a deterrent is that our enemies need to know that we would be prepared to use it. Unlike some suggestions that we could have a nuclear deterrent but not actually be willing to use it, which come from the Labour Party frontbench." Oooooh, sick burn there, Terry.

Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party, was quoted as saying, “What is the threat we are facing that one million people’s deaths would actually deter?”

Gorgo, perhaps?

#CorbynMustCondemn Godzilla Rip-offs (Source)

In all seriousness, it scares me when a political leader is so forthright and seemingly excited about using nuclear weapons. Economy reform? Gender equality? Alternative energies? Nah, bombs. But the unfortunate truth, Terry (I like Terry better), is that you sidled up with The Don just a week after his election and got his orange ass overseas for a visit. Even though it had taken previous Presidents years to earn an invitation. And, on top of that, you remained silent when Trump exited the Paris Agreement and on his travel ban. You certainly sound like a big fan to me.

Jumping into bed with Trump (ew) is an insurmountable mistake, given your propensity for a nuclear option. It does not even sound like either of you take the notion seriously. Perhaps if you gave the question some consideration, thought about it, and had a response prepared with some actual levity to it then maybe I could cut you some slack. But no. Instead, your response is just a typical two-fold retort:

  1. Insulting your opposing parties by essentially calling them weenies.
  2. Suggesting your metaphorical dick is just as big as The Don's.

So, Terry, now that you have established where you stand with nukes, what is your ultimate move going to be? Are you going to jump when the POTUS says so and ensure that you are in the "Cold War Club" with all your firecrackers? Ready to blast a million people off the face of the planet in order to defeat the ultimate threat, which is...? Well, I suppose it will be whatever Drumpf tells you it is. At the moment, I would wager he is saying it is North Korea. But just so you know, if you, the Cheeto, and Mr. Jong-un turn the world into the Wild West, you might wind up making the world look like this:


Dylan Gonzalez

Usually takes a nap after done sleeping. Twitter: @BeardedPickle

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