Where political gaffes become comedy fodder.
It's the End of the World as We Know It, And I Feel...Like Ordering Takeout
by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/Disasters Writer The greatest fireworks display in the history of the world happened yesterday. Most people just think of it as a nuclear war, but many of the survivors considered it the best light show since they closed the planetarium in their city/state/country/continent.
Do Ossified Ocelots Osscillate?
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was in High Dudgeon (an authentic 1830s shrimp farming village in Mississota, complete with the original 1830s shrimp) when he came to a... speed bump on the road to unthinking public adulation.
In the Running for a New Trade Deal
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer There is a tradition in Canadian politics that when a Finance Minister introduces a budget, he buys a new pair of shoes. Nobody knows why. Are the old bits of footwear gifted to a homeless person to regift to their stomach because that is all the help they can expect from the government? Is it as a sop to the shoe industry because that is all the help they can expect from the government? Are Finance Ministers just tougher on footwear than the general population?
The Invisible Man Leaves a Trail
By FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer The Vice President is normally the invisible man of government. Seriously: a Vice President could walk into an open bank vault and walk away with fistfuls of cash, and nobody would be the wiser. (Watching fistfuls of cash dance out of a bank vault in midair is well documented as having no educational value.) A Vice President could be reading this over your shoulder at this very moment; don’t look back suddenly for, like many woodland creatures, Vice Presidents startle easi—oh. Well. We tried to warn you. You may have to replace that carpet—better consult a political soap suds specialist.
Don't Dream... Err, It's Over
by MAJUMDER SAKRASHUMINDERATHER, Alternate Reality News Service Education Writer “La pluma de mi tía está sobre la mesa,” the teacher disinterestedly intoned.
Rocket Man and the Dotard
If you're a resident of planet Earth, chances are you've caught wind of the trouble brewing between US President Donald Trump, and current North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un.
And Pretty Soon All of Washburningdington Is Blind... Drunk... On Power
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer Both Houses of Congress passed a resolution (less than a bill, more than a strawberry bacon cheeseburger parfait) grandiosely named “A Resolution to Force the President Against His Will to Acknowledge That Racist Organizations Such as The Kook Klux Klan, Neo-Nasties and Other White Supremacists Who Go Under the Banner of the ‘Alte Kocker Right’ Are Inherently Violent, And Are Engaging in Terrorism When They Are Violent, And Should, Therefore, Be Condemned in the Strongest Possible Terms for Such Violence.” Don’t be put off by the title, though; the resolution, in its entirety, reads: “Racism is bad.”
The Best Form of Government Except for All the Others
The Best Possible Form of Government Except for All the Others – An Alternate Reality News Service Forum [ARNS] SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Bothers in Arms
by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer Miguel Santamaclausa had not intended to reenact an iconic moment of bravery in the middle of Beijing's Tianlomien Square on a side street in Padooka, North Illinois. Like the famed chicken, he just wanted to get to the other side, no questions asked. ("My motivation's none of your business, pal!") But, there he was, staring down the turret of an Abrahams tank as his ice cream slowly melted down his fingers.
Saving Private Ryanwetballoons (for a Court Martial)
by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer Lieutenant Stewie “Generis” McTestosterone of the Fourth Beanie Baby Brigade had half of his face blown off in the aptly named Givemhellemanns Province of Afghanistan when a land mine disguised as an assault rifle blew up during a routine door to door roust and roast of locals. He might have been able to keep his eyebrows and three quarters of his nose if Private Melinda Ryanwetballoons had been by his side instead of pushing paper (on colleagues who worked exclusively on their PDAs) at regimental headquarters pending a VCLU lawsuit on his status.
Is Donald Trump the Worst President Ever?
Many people are under the impression that Donald Trump is the worst president ever, and, in all honesty, they have good reason to feel that way. Trump has proposed unpopular bills and policies – most of which have been rejected by either the House, Senate, or the judicial system. He has angered plenty of people, lied to the public, disclosed national secrets in order to brag, and, despite talking a lot, has backed up none of his (unpopular) promises.
I Beg Your Pardon! And, Me. Oh, Me, Too, Please. Pardon Me! Pardon Me! Pardon Me!
By HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer The Grey House was in emergency crisis (for the third time this afternoon) mode when allegations were made that the President was becoming more... Canadian.