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Don't Dream... Err, It's Over

by Ira Nayman 5 years ago in satire
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Alternate Reality News Service

by MAJUMDER SAKRASHUMINDERATHER, Alternate Reality News Service Education Writer

“La pluma de mi tía está sobre la mesa,” the teacher disinterestedly intoned.

“La pluma de mi tía está sobre la mesa,” the dozen students in the class disinterestedly repeated.

“This is bullshit!” complained 22 year-old student Isobel Jibellaminez. “I—”

“Ah, ah, ah,” the teacher gently admonished her. “En Español, por favor.”

“Esto es una... una... oh, mierda!” Jibellaminez pouted.

After the class, she elaborated, “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! I don’t know where the pen of my aunt is! Why should I care? Crazy old hag should get with the future and use a tablet like a civilized person. They... they have tablets in Mexico... don’t they? * MOAN * I should be studying for my Intro Physics mid-term on Friday—my aunt can find her own damn pen!”

Jibellaminez may have been missing the point, but there may be a larger point to what she was saying; she is one of as many as 800,000 young men and women who were brought to the United States of Vesampucceri as children. When Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush was President, he signed an Executive Order giving these children a path to citizenship; it was known as DACHA (Don’t be Assholes to Children, Hastily Arrived). They were called Dreamers, because President Bushbamclintreagbush happened to be listening to Supertramp when he signed the bill.

Yesterday, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf signed an Executive Order rescinding the previous executive order. He demanded that Congress pass a replacement bill within six months; given the state of his relations with Congress, Dreamers can be forgiven for booking their flights to the home they’ve never lived in in advance.

“Whenever my aunt would come over looking for her pen in Spanish,” said Angel Rubellotorrez, “I would stay in my room and play Angry Crustaceans. I never learned to speak the language because I never thought I would have to. I got great at the game, though, so it isn’t all bad. They... they have wifi in Guatemala... don’t they?”

Most of those who are targeted for deportation were mere sprats when they came to our shores, and have never known a life outside of Vesampucceri. So, when the special unit of ICES, the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service, tasked with dealing with this issue, known informally as “the Dreamer Catchers,” arrests one of the people covered by the EO, he or she has to spend two weeks at Mother Toughlove’s Academy for Spanish Language and Culture to learn about the heritage they never had but are about to inherit.

“Nah, we may hate all Latinos with an undyin’ passion — as a mattuh o’ policy if not puhsonal conviction,” explained Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic when he announced the new direction, “but we ah not Bahbarians!”

The President himself has given mixed messages on the Dreamers, sometimes, as in this speech in Memphis, in the same breath: “I love the dreamers. Really, I do. They’re great kids. Great kids. Except for the ones who are murderers and rapists. The ones who murder. And, rape. Those ones. Which is most of them. Eighty per cent. Ninety per cent. I don’t know. Great kids, though. Just... great.”

“This is wrong,” said New Yoricknuhemwell State Attorney General Eric T. “Bone” Eiderschneiderman. “Morally, factually and... and... and hygienically. Morally, we promised these kids that if they cooperated with the government, none of the information that they gave us would be used against them. It’s like we took a magic marker and wrote ‘sucker’ all over their foreheads. Factually, almost all of the kids covered by DACHA are in school, working or both. Did I mention that the magic marker came in three indelible neon colours? Hygienically... well, this just stinks.”

That is why 15 State Attorney Generals — Attorney Generalli? Fifteen people in the same position as Eiderschneiderman across the country are suing the Grey House in an attempt to block the implementation of the DACHA EO.

What is their main argument against the EO? From her hospital bed, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam gasped, “Race...” Did she want to put a bet on a horserace? We had heard that some people are addicted to gambling, but that seemed extreme even for—

Shaking her head, she repeated, “Race...” Could token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam have been referring to the well documented fact that she had always wanted to get up close and personal with a race car driver? The smell of oil, the colourful promotional logos sewn into his uniform, the danger of taking a curve in the bedroom at upwards of 200 miles per hour — what’s not to love?

“Race... is... is... is...” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam tried one last time. Before she could complete her thought, the token smart person started convulsing and they sent the heart police in to put her under cardiac arrest.

Could this be the plastic age?


About the author

Ira Nayman

Humour writer. Creator of the Alternate Reality News Service. Novelist (most recent: The Multiverse is a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There). Satire web site: Les Pages aux Folles. Figment of Andy Borowitz' imagination.

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