Calling Moscow - 32

This conversation happened on Sept. 11, 2024, after the presidential debate between Trump and Harris.

“Vlad, Vlad, Vlad!”

“Yes, Donnie, why are you so excited?”

“Haven’t you seen my outstanding debate performance?”

“Hmm, really, outstanding? Who said so, Donnie?”

“Everyone, Vlad! Everyone, every post-debate poll says I won. Look at any poll after the debate, Vlad, I am a winner in all of them.”

“Hmm, how about this then?” [texts a picture]

“Where did you get this, Vlad? It’s disgusting! She is so nasty!”

“I don’t know, someone sent it to me.”

“Well, it’s not a poll. This is just a cartoon, not credible at all. Did you watch the debate, Vlad?”

“No, it was too late, that is, too early my time. Besides, they haven’t translated it for me yet.”

“That’s why I didn’t call you yesterday, it ran too late. So late, it was almost two hours! By the end, I was so bored! Bored out of my mind.”

“A-ha, that’s what I heard.”

“So, no need to watch it, Vlad, unless you really want to see my tremendous performance.”

“Oh, really? Why?”

“What do you mean, why? Because I’ve won! She was so weak and stupid, it’s unbelievable. I’ve won, Vlad!”

“Ok, then. Tell me how you feel about it, Donnie.”

“I feel great! I think I now have the election in my pocket, Vlad! Completely in my pocket. I can’t imagine how anyone would vote for her. They would be stupid to do so!”

“What if they do, Donnie? What is your plan then?”

“Well, then I will simply tell that I have won all fifty states and leave them deal with the mess. Simply declare my victory, Vlad, and fight it out.”

“But you tried that last time in 2020, and all your court cases were thrown out, Donnie.”

“No, not thrown out, Vlad, they just declared that we had no standing. No standing, can you imagine?”

“Isn’t it the same thing, Donnie?”

“No, not the same thing. Not the same at all. This time, I have a lot of new people in swing state electoral boards who will certify my election win. They are so good and loyal to me, Vlad!”

“Oh, that’s sneaky, Donnie. It’s so sneaky it might actually work.”

“Thank you, Vlad. How’s your war in Ukraine going?”

“It’s going, Donnie. We are winning. Ukraine is losing.”

“That’s what I said in the debate too.”

“Oh, really? How did that come up?”

“The stupid ABC moderators asked me if it was in America’s national security interests for Ukraine to win the war, or something like that.”

“A-ha, and what did you say?”

“I said that it’s in our national security interest to finish the war and to stop the bloodshed on both sides.”

“Good, good, Donnie. What did Harris say?”

“That Ukraine should win. Can you imagine, Vlad, she is rooting for Ukraine.”

“Really? I would have never thought. I thought she was smarter than that.”

“See? I’m telling you, she is weak and stupid. So weak and stupid, and she had the audacity to say that you’d eat me for lunch. Can you imagine, Vlad, you’d eat me for lunch?” [chuckles nervously]

“Ha! That I need to see, I guess I’m off to watch the debate.”

“Ok, Vlad, also watch me talk about Orban there.”

“Why? What did you say about Orban?”

“That he is a strong leader and that he praised me as a strong leader. Just the truth, Vlad.”

“Interesting. Are you having a crush on Orban, Donnie? I thought you and I were kinda a thing.”

“And we are, Vlad, you are my best friend in the whole world. And he is one of my good friends…” [gushing]

“It’s Ok, Donnie, I’m not jealous. Just teasing you. Victor is a good man.”

“See? I have to give it to Orban, too: he is so strong, wipes his feet on the entire European Union and NATO. I like him for that. I like him for that very much.”

“Me too, Donnie, me too. Alright, you now made me curious. I’d better go watch your tremendous debate performance. Bye, Donnie.”

“Bye, Vlad.” After hanging up, “I hope he likes it. I tried to make him proud.”