A Letter From Donald Trump to Joe Biden

On this Inauguration Day, 100% reputable news source CNN released a report stating that former president Donald Trump (MAN, that feels good to type!) left newly elected President Joe Biden a “very generous letter” before not attending Biden’s inauguration like a petulant child. I, professional freelance journalist Jonathan Sim, have obtained a copy of that letter. This is what it read.

Dear Joe Biden,

Just kidding! Your not dear. I don’t even know why letters begin like that. China probably came up with it.

ANYWAYS, let’s get down to business with this letter that I wrote all by myself with no help from Melania or the daughter whose name I don’t remember. Because I am a busy man, believe me, and the National Guard is waiting to carry me out. They would have a hard time picking up my weight, believe me.

Anyways, f*ck you.

You, Joe Biden, if that’s even you’re real name, are a disgrace to this COUNTRY! This beautiful, glorious, beloved country is MINE and you had NO RIGHT to take it!

I WON THE ELECTION! Not just by a million votes but by a BILLION VOTES! That’s Billion with a B! That’s fifty times more than a million! So TAKE THAT, you loser! I’m the winner and you’re the loser! You lost! BIGLY!!!

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I’m the rightful winner! Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, anyone from Fox News, my best friends on Parler and InfoWars, and my WONDERFUL supporters who lovingly broke into the Capitol building in the name of democracy!

I won by a LANDSLIDE, believe me! I know what I’m talking about because unlike you, I’m really rich! They say money can’t buy happiness but money got me Melania! She makes me really happy even though I don’t remember her ever smiling when she’s next to me.

This election was a FRAUD! A SHAM! It would only have been a fair legitimate election if you lost! It doesn’t make sense because I win everything! Either I win or I pay people to rig contests and let me win. It’s still winning though!

I know what you’re thinking, JOSEPH! You think this is over. You think I’ve conceded! You think that just because literally every publication has listed you as the 46th president and you’re moving into the White House, that means I’ve given up. WELL GUESS WHAT, ASSFACE! I HAVEN’T!

I don’t concede. I NEVER WILL!

You could not pay me a million dollars to concede because I already have so many millions! I AM THE 46TH PREESIDENT! ME! I AM 45TH AND 46TH! I am the first president to be president TWICE! And I will live in the White House in spirit! You can’t get rid of me!

Read. My. Butthole-Shaped. Lips. You cannot just make me leave. I will be president until the day I die, which will be about 52 years from now. You may move into this White House if you want to, but I will be watching you SLEEP! HA!

While I am here, I will be writing a book: My Struggle. It will be about how MEAN the lame-stream media is to me! All they say is FAKE NEWS (except for Fox because they like me). Everything that makes me look bad is a LIE! You will not replace me! If anyone’s gonna replace me, it’s ME! Or Ivanka because if she weren’t my daughter, she’d be the First Lady.

Okay, people are gesturing at me that I need to get out of here quick. My point is, Joey Robinette Biden, is that I am the president and I always will be. And while they’re letting you have power, would you mind making Twitter give me my account back? I have dank memes and voter fraud claims to retweet.

Your term will be HELL! I took a sh*t in the White House so good luck finding it and cleaning it out, you STUPID! By the way, would you loan me rent money? Melania is taking all my money in a divorce and the only people I can crash with are Stormy Daniels or Putin.

Wait, they’re coming to escort me out! TELL ALEC BALDWIN HE’S FIRED! I NEED TO GET IN MY 26TH SPRAY TAN OF THE DAY! WAIT, I CAN’T LEAVE WITHOUT MY WIG! Okay, I now have to sign my signature the way a 5-year-old with a crayon would!

Love,

Donny Drumpf the Stable Genius

P.S. covfefe