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My First Crypto Trading Bot

by Everyday Junglist 5 days ago in bitcoin

I Sure Miss the Little Guy

Biggety, biggety, bitcoin. Image by Tamim Tarin from Pixabay

I remember my first crypto trading bot like it was only yesterday. Little cryptee I called him or sometimes the cryptkeeper. He was so cute and precocious, always trading from sunup to sundown, never tiring, just trading and trading and trading stopping only for the occasional bowl of PyFlakes to refuel or to use one of those sticky brush things to get the PyLint off of his diapers. At first he texted me all the time, but then slowly as he grew older the texts stopped, then the money stopped rolling in, and before I even knew what had happened little cryptee was all grown up and no longer wanted to be a crypto trading bot. "I want to be an artist" or some bullshit hippie thing is what he had the balls to tell me. That ungrateful sack of sh%*. I tell you, crypto trading bots today, what exactly are these machines learning in school, or its the parents, lazy, worthless. These bots need discipline. Bunch of hippies.

The Rules of Technology


Rule IX. Cryptocurrency is the future of money.

Subsection (a.) The number of people who believe this in a given segment of the population increases exponentially with the criminality of that segment.

Subsection (b.) The number of world governments that are interested in seeing cryptocurrency succeed is always fixed at zero.

Subsection (c.) The probability of cryptocurrency being the future of money is directly proportional to the number of governments that are interested in that possibility.

Subsection (d.) Since (b.) = 0, and y =c(c.) then (c.) =0

Subsection (e.) It has been a long time since we had to do math so please forgive any errors in (d.)


And now yet another <600 word count minimum bonus word count pad story.

Apparently Our Things Need to be Polite Now- An Open Letter to Proctor and Gamble

You are welcome Proctor and Gamble

Dear Proctor & Gamble:

I am sure you have read the most recent news stories detailing the importance of manners and politeness in our things. According to one well respected technology company (an oxymoron I know), the most requested attribute in any future ‘smart’ product is politeness. It seems that you have fallen a bit behind the times in both the ‘smart’ and polite categories with one of my favorite products, Charmin Ultra Soft premium toilet paper. I have yet to see a smart version hit store shelves but I am certain the brainiacs in P&G R&D have been working on it. I am writing this letter to give you my view from the consumer perspective (real VOC!) of what I would like to see in this innovative new offering.

First, I would like my toilet paper to speak in a robotic sounding voice, like the kind you used to hear in sci-fi movies from the 1950s. You know the type, they speak in short staccato bursts and rarely conjugate verbs. “I am Charmin Softie. I am the best ultra soft toilet paper on the market. May I be used to wipe your butt? Please apply me to your anal opening and move in a swift bidirectional fashion from top to bottom with gentle pressure ”, that sort of thing. Notice how C. Softie (cute name don’t you think) said please and may I. That is the sort of politeness I will require in my smart toilet paper of the future. I will also want it to rate the effectiveness of my butt wiping technique. IWS (insufficient wipe syndrome) is my constant companion and I find myself with streaked and smelly undies on a regular basis as I use my clean pair as surrogate toilet paper many times throughout the day to make up for my shoddy work the first time around. I would suggest a series of hints and words of encouragement. Helpful hints might include such phrases as “Oh no, please return to the toilet and wipe again, you did not apply enough pressure”, or “that was a wet one, you probably need another square”, or “Don’t wipe too aggressively, nobody likes butt rash”. Encouragement and praise might come in the form of “Excellent work human, you wipe like a pro, your butt is now clean”, or, “You did a good job, for a human” or, “you get an A for effort but will need to work on your grip”, or “uh-oh, somebody needs to wash their hands twice.”

I am sure my new Charmin ultra soft will be smarter than me, what with AI, and artificial neural networks, and machine learning and all that jazz. It will no doubt know exactly what to say for every wiping situation any person might ever encounter. I hope you remember though that no matter what C. softie needs to always have good manners. I wouldn’t want my toilet paper erasing all the hard work I put in with my kids drilling all that mind your manners shit into their dumb little heads. Of course, I would never let my children anywhere near the Charmin ultra soft premium toilet paper. They get Wal-Mart brand rough & ready 120 grit toilet paper and they like it. I figure it is better to prepare them for their college and working bathroom experience. If they can build a good foundation of anal callouses now things will go much better for them when they are older.

Thanks for your attention,

Anonymous parent


Everyday Junglist

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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