Shopping for Clothes Online

I have blown my nose into Kleenex made of better material than some of the clothes that have arrived at my house via online shopping.

I know exactly why I was fooled.

I bought a black tulip dress on Ebay a million years ago. It was $22 and it was being sent from California. It was banging. I still wear it.

Then there was the bathing suit I got from the maternity store that was going out of business. The bathing suit itself was $7 and the shipping was other $7. It fit like a dream and nothing about it was maternity, except that it is probably easier to nurse in than some other bathing suits. Not that bathing suits these days are locked vaults. That was on Ebay too.

Then came a dress from Amazon. It was a tight-fitting number with one shoulder strap and a mermaid train. I forget the price, but I do remember the horror of how it looked on my pear-shaped body and how I cut the dress in half right at the bum. I took all the fabric that made up the bum and threw it out. Then I sewed the train onto the bodice. It worked like a dream, though the dress has a completely different shape. Now it's a-line.

Then there was this dress I bought from Dresslily. I thought the dress was gray. It showed up and it was green, but it was $24 and even though the coconut shell buttons make me cringe, it was a pretty good bargain. It was encouraging, so I ordered another couple of dresses through them. One didn't arrive and the other...

This dress was so bad, it became a legend. It's pink. It's not the size it's supposed to be. The belt that came with it is for a much smaller size, so it doesn't fit. The fabric feels like a cross between a windbreaker and toilet paper so cheap, you wouldn't really want to put it against your skin. The only logical purpose I can think of for this fabric would be to duct tape it to your car when the window is broken and you have to drive anyway. It would keep the rain out and if it was on the outside of your car, it wouldn't be against your skin.

I want to take this dress to a thrift store, but I would feel bad for anyone else who picked it up and the thrift store for lowering their brand.

However, I'd had good experiences with online shopping, so I decided to give it one more chance by ordering shoes through Shein. I got two dresses and two pairs of shoes. I gave away one of the dresses immediately because it was way too big (thanks size guide). The second dress is useless. I don't know what to do with it, how to wear it, or what to do with it. The pictures that advertised it did not properly show its shape, so it's something I never would have purchased if I'd realized what it was.

The shoes are okay, but I never would have bought them at those prices if I'd seen them in person, so I have decided to give up online shopping. UTTERLY.

Here's the other side of that story:

I went thrifting and I got a black dress that was so gorgeous I couldn't believe my luck. It had some really hideous white satin buttons on the bodice, but that's nothing a $1.50 at Fabricland can't fix. The dress was $10, and it is so banging with new buttons I could resell it for $180 bucks if I modeled it.

Then I picked up a red and black wrap dress at a thrift store for $20 that makes grown women weep. Seriously. Such a fantastic September dress. No one wanted it in July.

My latest thrift acquisition was a black strapless a-line T-shirt dress made of some really excellent knit fabric. It's thick and juicy and I know the exact reason why the person who got rid of it got rid of it. You have to be the right size for that girl. There's no in-between. You have to fill it out and you have to be able to get it on. It's a fine line, but it was $10, and I can walk that line... for now.

The last thing I bought at a thrift store was a pair of gloves for $3 that if you glare at someone and put your index finger to your temple, they will wither... which reminds me that I did buy one more thing through Shein that was not a disappointment. I bought a birdcage hat with matching sheer pok-a-dot gloves. Both of them together were $6 and they were pretty fire.

Damn it. I'm going to remember that that one thing worked out and I'm going to buy something else online. URGH! Make it stop!