MULLET

On the back wall of the NU2U thrift store in Laramie, Wyoming, below a bull elk mount, was the most majestic effing thing I have ever seen. It was a black leather jacket with white sleeves and red stripes with a blue "USA" on each arm. On the back- an American flag. It was so high up on the wall that I was convinced it was not for sale. Not that I would blame the thrift store for not parting with such a work of art. Like a moth to flame, like drunks to Taco Bell, like democrats to free shit, I was hypnotized by the jacket. I floated to the wall. When I reached it my heart was pounding. There was a tag on it. So it was for sale, but at what cost? I assumed they would keep the price so high that buying it would be entirely unattainable without a bank loan. I conjured the courage to look at the price. It said "36-". I was shocked, confused, happy, then infuriated. Was that the jacket size? Was it the price tag but missing a zero or two? But no, it really was only 36 dollars. It didn't matter that it was two sizes too small. I had to have it. But I had to be worthy of it as well. That's when I knew I had to grow a mullet.

I was on a journey of discovery. Because mullets are synonymous with freedom and the American way of life, there are few rules. It just has to be shorter on the sides than it is in the back. And that's it! So let's explore the family of mullet hairstyles and see the process of finding just the right mullet for you.

The OG Mullet

This is the original Whopper, the Classic Coke. It's the flagship of mullets. This is what started it all. Think MacGyver, Norris, Swayze, Billy Ray, Rosanne. The mullet was born from the marriage of the wild, long hair of the 70s with the take-no-taxes-or-prisoners hair of the 80s. The follicle offspring was business in the front, party in the back. Best accessorized with cowboy boots. Comes with too much freedom.

The Boz

This Gen 2 variation came with more 'tude. It is best with racing stripes or lightning bolts shaved into the sides. It's not full Boz unless you have a single dangling cross earring. Made famous by Seattle Seahawks linebacker Brian Bosworth, this cut took the look to a whole new level of freedom. Go full Boz by accessorizing with blond highlights, a sweatband, and a perm. Comes with roid rage for the wearer and wet panties for people who get too close.

The Tween Heartthrob

This mullet was a staple of the early 90s. From Bop to Teen Beat, teen entertainers graced the covers of fodder for the mass of tween and teen girls dreaming about marrying the cutest sit-com or singing star. Made famous by Jonathan Taylor Thomas, this mullet became straight and a little longer on the sides. The most important accessory is a flannel shirt worn around the waist and baggy jeans. Comes with peaking early. Age restricted. Wear with caution.

The Dark Days of the Mullet

From the mid-90s to two decades forward was the darkest of times for the majestic mullet. Only the hardliners held on to the cut, and they were shrinking in numbers and aging into uncool demographics. Many thought the mullet was as dead as parachute pants or the poodle skirt. And for most that was good news. But style innovators took a stand and brought the haircut back from extinction.

The Mullunk

The Mullunk is a punk mullet. The main variation is shaved sides, hair spray, and dye. Although the owner of the country mullet and its urban counterpart might not share music or politics, they both share a yearning for individuality and spurn mainstream culture. Accessorizing with multiple piercings is a must unless you don't get piercings because too many other people are getting piercings. Comes with rock and rebellion.

The Mullster

Hipsters are now ironically embracing mullets just like they ironically drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. Beards, cheap beer, and mullets. Who would have thought that blue-staters and red-staters could be so united in style? This is best accessorized by fair trade organic alpaca scarves and artisanal hair products. Comes with a heightened sense of moral and intellectual superiority.

The Fauxlet

The most exotic mullet thus far. It features cornrows on the side and a jerry curl in the back. It is so cutting edge and advanced that there is no known pictures of a Fauxlet. Like the mythical chimera, centaur, it only exists in our dreams. But what a dream it is! Consider being the first to grow a Fauxlet and be ahead of the fashion curve. Best accessorized with old-school hip hop blaring from a ghetto blaster and some cardboard in case someone challenges you to a breakdance competition. Comes with rhythm and bad credit.

The Assualt Mullet

The Assault Mullet is my own creation. It's the result of combining Army Regulations 670-1 (regarding allowable haircuts) with an almost lethal dose of freedom. The front is a regulation "high and tight." The back has as much flowing locks as you can handle. Service in the front, party in the back. CAN NOT be worn with a mask. Exceptions for this rule include robbing a bank or doing merc work in Latin America. Best accessorized with tactikewl beard and shades and an open carry 1911. Soon to be illegal in 32 states. Comes with depression, alcohol, nightmares, suicidal ideations, relationship problems, and possibly homelessness.

The MULLHAWK

This is the ultimate evolution in mullets. Designed by myself and grown over 18 months, this is what happens when you combine a mohawk with a mullet. Grow it as long as you can. Braid and pillage. It was too extreme and excellent for my wife to handle so I shaved it all off, making me unworthy of the best mullet ever designed. Best accessorized with a matching braided beard and a large battle axe. Comes with an arrest record, unstable employment, and child support payments.

The Future is Now!

Don't fear growing a mullet, fear growing it too late. Mullets will never die so long as bald eagles still fly and grandmas still bake apple pie. The mullet is a staple of our great country and can and should be worn by everyone regardless of sex, race, creed, or orientation. It is the way. Get on board the mullet train or get run over.