Deployed Journal

6 Dec

I’ve never been this scared in my life- even when I first joined the military. The fear came from something absolutely unexpected though. Out of all things, during a plane ride we hit major turbulence. Now, I’ve hit turbulence multiple times during my million of plane rides, but this one was different. For about 10 seconds, while the heads of all the passengers were bobbing up and down like buoys on a wave and gasps came from multiple people, I felt calm. Feeling calm in a second of panic is always frightening, it’s like feeling silence during a storm, knowing that something is lacking. I couldn’t even help it, and it wasn’t until after it was over that I realized what I was feeling. My mind was completely blank- it's like I blacked out- and when the plane came back into smooth sailing, it was then that I felt scared. Scared that I was completely calm, scared that I accepted whatever would’ve happened and scared that I absolutely accepted a possible final fate. As I was thinking about it, I realized that maybe it was the fact that I visited every family member before I left, and said “goodbye, see ya later” to all of them- because that would’ve been my final wish anyways. Was it because I was on the other side of the world and felt so disconnected and (literally) distant from everyone? Was it because I was in a “fight or flight” mode and only realized it until after? I think all of my emotions about leaving my family were surfacing. I’m not sure, and nor do I ever think that I will ever know, but coming to consciousness after that blank moment was the scariest moment of my life.

5 Mar

There’s a lot of things that I am grateful about in the Air Force and being a part of new experiences is definitely a big one. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and although the reason may not be realized soon thereafter the experience, or ever, I still think that there is a reason for everything- and coincidences are especially a result of that. One of the biggest reasons that I joined the Air Force, or the military in general, is because I wanted to help. Not only help other people, but help my community, help my family, all that other cliche stuff… But, when people ask me why I joined, I give them the same answer, “I want to help other people, and the highest purpose that you can help someone is to give your life for someone else”. (If it’s an acquaintance asking, I just give the cliche: “I want to help my community”) However, there is more to it. I remember telling my older brother that I wanted to join the military, and I remember him saying something along the lines of, “Don’t do it; join a humanitarian job path instead, like the Peace Corps”. I was honestly a little bitter that he said that, but as time went by, now I understand the reasoning of him saying that. I don’t know what he went through, nor do I want to know. All I know is that he experienced things that no human should ever experience. I knew that early on, when Mom and Dad would be hush-hush about things, when he came back and were different from when he left, when it was taboo to talk about divorce and PTSD, now I realize why he said that.

One of the main reasons that I joined was because I wanted to go through the same things that he did- so that he would have someone to talk to, and because I wanted to help him. I wanted to commiserate with him about things that he went through, and I wanted to experience those same things so that he wouldn’t feel alone. I knew and didn’t know at the same time what I was putting myself through. Now, obviously, its a different time and I’m in a different country with a different branch, but whenever I am going through some bullshit, I always bring myself to the realization that all my bullshit will never ever compare to the things that he experienced. I try not to complain, because there’s no reason to.

4 May

I feel like I don’t have any emotions, there's something that won't trigger. Is it because I’m getting older, more mature? I felt sadness, but only slightly, on Christmas when it was the first one spent alone and watching the family gathered around their own trees. I didn’t shed a tear when I celebrated a new year come and go, I didn’t feel any remorse when one of my coworkers from the fire department was describing recovering the body of a teenager who already hit rigor mortis, I don't feel any sympathy for people when they are complaining about whatever they complain about, and I feel disconnected from every news source that mentions the attacks on bases where I know people that are stationed. Any normal person would have a wide range of emotions while deploying to another country halfway across the world in the middle of a global pandemic, any normal person would want to detox after a rough day or take their anger out on their subordinates. Most of the time I feel frustrated but levelheaded. Does that make sense? Am I desensitized to the harsh and dark “humor” that the military has? It’s funny, but I noticed my lack of sentiment almost when it first began; I tried watching sad movies, I tried listening to sad music, but nothing wants to trigger in my mind about sadness. I’m usually a very emotional person and like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but there’s something that has changed within me and I want to find the root of it, because this feels like I’m living in someone else’s mind.

10 Aug

Feeling defeated is such a funny feeling. There’s something that's literally telling me, “No, you can't do this.” Feeling defeated is feeling like there is absolutely no possible solution. I’ve felt defeat before, but not in such a large volume that it feels like failure. I have felt defeat on such a large scale, that there is nothing else to do except to keep my head down and trudge through. But little, absurd things are making me defeated. The to-do list keeps on growing larger and larger, and every day I feel like I have accomplished nothing. I know there are ways around this, and making a literal to-do list about the minuscule things helps a lot. But, feeling defeated about tiny things is so absurd to me, even though I feel like my temper is getting smaller and smaller. I have felt anger that I haven’t been able to harness. For example, going to work with 30 knot winds and being late. I’ve started the day angry at the wind. Imagine being angry at the wind. The wind. Something I will never be able to control. Being angry at airmen is different because I can try to control the situation or I can walk away. But, imagine being angry at the wind. I get angry at the birds in the morning, I get angry at the heat, I get angry at the Air Force, I get angry at the rules I have to follow, I get angry at things I have to implement to other people, I get angry that I’m not in control, I get angry at the food I’m eating. It’s sometimes hard to take a step back and breathe. In the civilian world, I could never imagine getting angry- at the wind! It’s so absurd! My temper has never been as short as it is here, and it’s short for no reason.