Weddings and wine

We hurtle into the nuptial season, or—more importantly—into preparations for the big event.

Brides and grooms and their mamas and papas toil over what will be, for many, the biggest party they ever put on in their lives. Some tips and insights to lower stress and enhance the event. Congratulations and best wishes, BTW.

Don’t panic. Loving couples and anxious families have pulled this off for thousands of years. You will too. This info works for big parties, too. You don’t have to be getting hitched to read on.

Key question: how many people are coming to your grand party and how many will be drinking alcoholic beverages? You can’t know exactly, of course, but there is a proven way to make a rough guess. Take the number of hours you plan to party and add one, then multiply that number by your number of guests.

For example, if you invite 100 people to a three-hour party, plan on pouring 400 drinks.

Say half of them drink beer and half of them drink wine. Your 50 beer lovers may consume 200 standard 12-ounce cups or bottles/cans of beer. A 16-gallon beer keg serves 170 cups, so you will need one keg, plus a couple six packs just in case, and if people drink less, you can enjoy the six packs later.

Your 50 wine drinkers will drink 200 pours of wine. Five ounces is a standard pour. There are five such pours in a standard bottle of wine, so you will need 40 bottles (200 divided by five). Usually that means 20 whites and 20 reds. Tilt toward whites if the event is in warmer weather and daytime. Tilt toward reds if the event is in cooler weather and in the evening. Generally, however, people will drink whatever is poured.

Throw in bubbly as insurance against running out. You’ve got it made.

With this formula, figuring how much to buy should not be hard. Figuring how to pay for all of this may not be as easy, daddy.

Money

Money probably matters at your wedding. Even if you are throwing a smaller party, money matters. Crass but true for most people.

Although wine lovers may sigh, you can save money by serving box wine.

Example: a party for 50 wine drinkers will consume 200 pours of five ounces during a three-hour party (remember rule: number of hours plus one equals number of drinks per person).

You get 33 five-ounce pours in 5-liter box of wine, so you will need six 5-liter boxes. Cheaper boxes cost around $15-20 so, so you can get by spending around $100 using box wine.

Box wine tip: colder the wine, less you can taste it. Something to remember with many box wines.

Special trick—decant box wine into carafes. Chill carafes in ice water, not just on ice. Carafes will chill in about 10 minutes. Take the reds out first, since they should be warmer than the whites, although with boxed, doesn’t make much difference. Carafe benefit: guests don’t see the ugly box.

Box wine has big advantage over bottles—it stays fresh for weeks. The wine you did not put into a carafe can be slurped at the post-wedding shindigs.

Higher quality wines also now come in boxes, usually 3-liter size (worth 20 pours). There will not be a left-bank Bordeaux-in-a-box, but you can get very reasonable quality today.

Wine selection

Make picking the wine for your wedding or big party a fun event.

Determine your beverage budget. That gives you the price range of what you pour.

Taste in your price range. Do not go for top-shelf stuff. A wedding or big party is not the right atmosphere to enjoy nuances of expensive quality. Still, spending a few dollars more than the cheapest box wine can move your event to the next level.

Wine sellers—wine and liquor stores/wine stores/even grocery stores—can be sources of help. Get recommendations, buy bottles to taste for yourself. It’s a great way to have fun working on your wedding/party. It can also expose you to new wines, a good thing, and maybe you find a little-known treasure that wows wedding/party guests.

Same for beer. Maybe groom and friends pick beers, bride and friends pick wines, parents pick bubbly. Or have fun doing it all together. I am studiously avoiding turning this into a sexist stereotype post, so just do what you want. I am giving you the general idea.

You do not have to bear this expense alone. Some quality liquor and wine stores can set up a bridal registry that allows friends and family to help purchase wines and beers you’ve picked for your party. It’s similar to a bridal registry for gifts, but the gift is helping you with wedding beverages. Works for Quinceañeras, too.

Note: if your party is held at a venue licensed to sell alcohol, legally you must purchase your beverages through the venue. Costs may at least double over the same bottle in a store. Still, you should be able to pick what you want to pour.

Champagne?

Champagne is sparkling wine made in Champagne region of France. Pour real Champagne at your wedding or big party, it will cost you at least $50-plus a bottle (three figures is common).

When the estimate/bill lands in your in-box, sniff smelling salts, recover from sticker shock, explore alternatives. There are good sparkling wines that go by different names and for much lower prices.

Cava from Spain. Spanish winemakers employ cutting-edge inventions to produce methode champenoise sparkling wine at significantly lower prices.

Asti and Prosecco from Italy. Asti comes from region around the town of Asti in northwestern Italy. Prosecco is made using the glera grape in the Prosecco region of northeastern Italy. Both are sparkling and delicious and affordable.

Cremant is the name for sparkling wines made in France outside Champagne region. At fraction of the cost.

Cap Classique is the name for sparklings made in South Africa. Often great values.

American sparklings usually are called sparkling wines, although some makers cheat and call them Champagne because of the United States did not ratify the Treaty of Versailles—but that is a whole other weird wine story. New Mexico makes a very good, affordable sparkling: Gruet.

All these sparklers offer a sparkling upgrade over cheap carbonated white wine.

Added bonus: instead of usual five pours per bottle, because it often is poured in smaller glasses and is bubbly, you can get as many as eight pours per bottle with sparkling.

If you are going to do one special wine at your wedding, do bubbly. Your party will drink the least amount of it and almost everyone will taste it.

Final notes

• At hectic party, wedding or otherwise, there is not much difference between a good $12-plus bottle of wine and $25-plus bottle. There is, however, a difference between cheap box wine and an $12-plus bottle. If you can afford it, stepping up makes your party more memorable.

• After the party, round up unopened bottles. Serve the extra wine at a post-honeymoon party where you show honeymoon photos and tell your friends about everything that happened. Okay, maybe not everything.

• Extra bottles make great gifts to people in your party. Wrap them up, add a thank you note, give to those who helped make your party a success.

• A registry at a wine or liquor store helps guests know which wines you like, especially more expensive wines you would appreciate as a gift. You don’t have to be specific, just list the general types you enjoy, or let the givers expand your palate. Personnel at better shops can recommend something that can surprise and delight you.

• Consider a romantic gift to yourselves or, if you are a family member or guest, to the couple: a case or half-case of wine that can age. Store it in a cool, dark place. Each anniversary, open one bottle. It will help you remember your event.

Wine has helped make weddings and parties wonderful for thousands of years. It can do same for yours. Relax and enjoy.

Last round humor

• Two antennae fell in love and got married. The wedding ceremony was not fancy, but—my God!—the reception was great. The wine was pretty good, too.

• I am sort of the reverse of the wedding feast at Cana. When I drink wine, I turn it into water.

• A young couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantaloupe.

• Last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to share insight into how he had managed to stay happily married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands: “Well, I tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.”

The priest responded: “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied: “I going to go back to Italy to pick her up.”

• Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn’t have to hear about how much better his mother cooked.”

• A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He is full of confidence, incredibly expressive, and has everyone in fits of laughter.

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches and asks: “Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!”

“I know…,” the priest says. “But that was just my altar ego.” Wine time.

• A distinguished doctor addresses a large audience in Oxford: “Materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

“Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... there is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said: “Wedding Cake”. Wine time.

• A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi were friends and enjoying a meal at a restaurant. After a few glasses of wine, the Catholic priest asked why his Jewish friend would not eat pork.

“It is delicious and a major source of nutrition all over the world,” the priest chided. “Surely in the 21st century you could reconsider this.”

The rabbi mused a second, shook his head “yes,” and replied: “I will eat some pork.”

“Great” the priest replied. “When?”

“At your wedding reception,” the rabbi replied.

• I have two tickets to the Super Bowl. I paid $1,500 for each. Then I realized the Super Bowl is at the same time as my wedding. If you are interested, her name is Naomi. She is about five-six and drop-dead gorgeous. She will be the one in the white dress. Be at St. Thomas Church at 2 p.m. Wear a tux.

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