The Challenge

I was there that night, in my usual chair, with my usual drink. All the flannel-clad regulars were there. Dud was tendin bar. Ole Bear was at his usual spot, standin like Kalija, just inside the heavy plank door.

The Bootstrap Pub & Inn didn’t really need a bouncer, but Bear was out of work, and needed a room. Dudley Parker wasn’t about to lodge him free, so he made the big man work it off. For the hours Bear worked, he coulda rented two rooms at any other inn.

It was bitter cold in Turnbuck Alaska, that Friday night in October. The old log pub was unusually quiet. The only sounds being the crackle of the fire, and the low murmurins of a half dozen conversations. These were only interrupted a few times by a loud laugh, or some beer-emboldened words that coulda become a brawl, but didn’t.

The door creaked just a bit. I kept my attention on my beer, figurin it was only Bear, checkin how much snow had fallen.

But then, the wind grabbed that heavy door and slammed it flat against the logs. A squall of snow gusted in. The fire flared up, and a few glowing coals tumbled out onto the hearth. One ventured off to the sawdusted floor. Bull Lewis stretched out his leg and crushed it under heel. Will Tambeau shot a wad of chaw at it for good measure.

Seated with my back against the front wall, I turned my head toward the door, and saw half a man appear, and then disappear through the entry, as he tried to mount the last step. Finally Bear reached out, and hauled him across the threshold by the nape of his coat. “Get the hell in here buddy, before ya freeze us all.”

“Close that damn door,” Dud barked from the bar. But before Bear could, the wind obliged.

By now, all eyes were fixed on Bear and the new arrival. Though he was still wrapped against the weather, it was readily apparent, this fellow had spent the day sucking suds, at every pub this side of Chola Ridge.

“Lew.” the man said facing Bear.

“No buddy, you’re mistaken. My name’s Robert. Folks call me Bear.”

“No Bear, you’re the mistakened one. I'm not Buddy. I’m pretty sure my name’s Lew. But maybe I needa hava drink to be pretty surer.” Bear spun the man around, and nudged him in the direction of Dud.

As he crossed to the bar, we witnessed a staggering, spinning, flailing dance that somehow ended with his parka in one hand, and the other hand slapping a bill on the bar. “Barkeep! Gi’me a beer.”

The stranger dropped his parka, and eyed the nearest stool. Cautiously, as if it might scoot aside at the last minute, he eased onto it. When it appeared certain his backside had a firm grip, this, soon-to-be legend, ventured a half spin to face the room.

He seemed to be studyin it all, turning slowly from Bear at the door, past all our bearded faces, on around to the fireplace in the back wall. Course we weren’t sure if he was lookin at us, or countin pink elephants.

Ole Dud doesn’t like it when it’s quiet, everyone just sippin and talkin. He was gonna see to it. There’d be lots of laughin and chuggin, and poor Buddy-Lew would pay the price.

He smacked a full mug down on the bar, shot a grin in Bear’s direction, and said, “Here’s your beer… ‘Buddy’.”

Lew spun around to correct the barman, but Dud cut him off. “You’re new to our pub. You haven’t had a chance at the prize yet, have ya?”

“Thas right. I’m new cook over to the loggin umm, the loggin umm”

“Camp?” Dud guessed.

“Ya, the loggin camp, what you said. Now looka here barman.” Lew raised a finger to resume the defense of his name, but stopped short, and curled the finger back in, “Prize? Wha prize?”

“Only the best prize ever offered in any pub anywhere.”

All could see that Dud was windin up this stranger for a good one, and the stools started to fill with fellas wantin a front seat to it. Of course, they were all wantin refills.

I could see Lew’s face in the mirror behind the bar. He was ponderin the possibilities of this “best of all prizes”. Dud collected all the empty mugs and was busy workin the tap when Lew’s eye’s shot wide.

“That would for sure be free beer for life.”

Dud froze. Those four words would strike fear into the heart of any pub owner. He recovered quickly though, remembering I’m sure, that it was just a windup. It had just begun, and he was already filling eight mugs. A smile broke out on the barman’s face, and he raised a full mug high, as he turned toward poor unsuspecting Lew.

“That’s right Buddy. You guessed it. And in order to win the prize, you have to meet the challenge.”

Lew leaned into Bull who was on the next stool. Without turning to face him, he asks kinda low, “Wha challenge?”.

“Ho! Ho! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here” Dud interrupted, now standin across the bar from Bull and Lew. “First you have to accept the challenge. You do this by settin up a round.”

Lew slowly turned to face the crowd gathering behind him. All his new “friends” were givin him the thumbs up, and anxious nods of encouragement. He raised his right hand high in a fist. The pub fell silent, and then exploded into cheers when his forefinger poked up, and twirled around.

I worked my way around the edge of the rowdy crowd, and found an empty stool, near the stairs and back door. Dud collected the cash from Lew, walked down to where I sat, and drew twenty mugs from the tap. Then he ducked out from behind the bar, and took a mug over to where Bear stood by the door.

The big man reached for the beer, but Dud held it back, raisin a palm to him. He took a quick look back at the men gathered around Lew, and then leaned towards Bear to talk real secretive like, during which Bear shook his head in objection and reached for the elusive mug. Dud countered by pointing to Bear, and then to the door. Bear finally nodded, reluctantly. Dud straightened, handed him the beer, and made his way back to the bar.

Once he saw that most of the mugs were empty, Dud called out, “Okay Buddy, Here’s your first challenge.”

Lew raised his finger to correct the barman, but paused, and once again curled it back in. “Wha ja mean firs challenge? How many are there?”

“There’s three, same as always. Honorable men know that challenges come in threes. You’re an honorable man right Buddy?”

“Course I am. I’us just testin ya.”

“Ok, well the last two challenges aren’t always the same, but there is a traditional first challenge, and here it is. You met Bear when you came in, right?”

Lew looked over toward Bear, smiled, and gave a little wave. Bear just nodded once, without smiling.

Your first challenge is to make Bear double over, by sluggin him in the gut as hard as ya can.

Lew clamped one hand to the bar, and the other to the shoulder of the man nearest him. “I can’t hit Bear. He’ll kill me”

“Naw,” says Dud. “He’ll likely just laugh, cause you’ll be missin out on all that free beer.”

“Well, we’ll just see bout that,” declared Lew. He set his half-full mug on the bar, thought better of it, and chugged it down. Then he turned, and crossed the floor in slow deliberate steps. We could all see Bear was havin trouble keeping a straight face.

Just before he reached the big man, Lew looked back over his shoulder, I guess to see if we were all still there, then spun back towards Bear.

Now here’s where things are unclear. Seems everyone who was there that night saw it different. Truth be told, it happened so fast, probably none of us saw it at all, but our brains had to make up something to explain it.

No matter how it starts, everyone’s version ends with Lew tryin to hold up Bear who was doubled over, his face twisted in pain. I was thinkin, either there was more to Lew than we suspected, or Bear missed his callin as a play actor.

Eventually, Bear straightened. Lew didn’t say a word. He just patted bear on the chest, and returned to his stool. Bear steadied himself from falling backwards, shot a glare at Dud behind the bar, and mouthed something that I didn’t quit get, but it definitely involved Dud’s mother.

Dud waved him off and joined the rest of the men. They were cheerin, and takin turns pattin Lew on the back. “Well well Buddy. You are the only person to ever meet the first challenge, aint that right Bear?” Bear answered with a finger. “And I think that deserves a celebratory round, don’t you?”

Lew pressed his hand to his pocket and looked warily at Dud. “Well I donno. And how many times do I hav a tell ya, My name is-"

“Just think of all that free beer I’ll be servin ya, the rest of your life.”

“Well, since ya put it that way.” The crowd burst out in another cheer, and Dud filled twenty mugs.

While everyone was drinkin and arguin about what exactly had happened to Bear, Lew asked Dud about the second challenge.

“When I bought this place,” began Dud, “the owner’s maiden aunt was living in room four, at the top of the stairs. Part of our deal was for her to live there, and eat free, the rest of her life. That was twenty years ago.” Dud leaned closer to Lew and spoke in a hushed voice. We could still hear beins we all quieted down and cocked an ear to the conversation. “You know what ‘maiden’ means right?” Lew didn’t respond. “Means she aint never been with a man.”

“Course it does. Any fool knows that,” spouted Lew.

Dud eased back, raisin his voice a bit “Here’s the thing Buddy. Up til recently, she’s been real proud of her maideness. But now that she’s reached her nineties, she seems to be havin second thoughts about it. She’s taken to gropin any man who gets in range. It’s gettin harder and harder to take her a tray of food, and escape unmolested.

“No probum,” interrupted Lew. “I’ll take her up her tray. I’m too fas for a ole woman, aint I Bear?” Bear clenched his fists and took a step towards the bar. Lew squeezed in behind Bull to put some meat between himself and the big man.

Dud grabbed Lew’s shoulder and spun him back to the bar. “No no. Ya see, I have two problems. Number one, I fear the day she catches me off guard. Number two, I fear she has it in her head not to die, until that day comes. So your second challenge is to go up to room four, and see to her needs.”

Lew made a grimace and took a step back. “I donno bout that.”

“Remember,” Dud coaxed, holdin up a full mug, “free beer for life.”

“I do member. Bu there’s the third challenge,” said Lew, holdin up four fingers.

Dud stroked his beard thoughtfully. “No problem Buddy. The last challenge is a piece of cake. My poor puppy Axel is feelin bad. I called the doc, but he can’t come out till Monday. He told me to take Axel’s temperature. I know it won’t hurt him. But he’s my little buddy, and I can’t bear the thought of doin that to him.”

Every man in the place fell silent, because every man in the place knew that Axel was Dud’s lead sled dog. He’s big, and he’s mean, and sometimes even Dud can’t get him into the traces.

“I donno,” says Lew, shoving his hands deep in his pockets, as if he might accidentally shake on it. “That’s near bad as your aunt.”

Dud went back to workin his whiskers a bit, then slapped his hand on the bar, causing Lew to jump. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll double the prize.” Before Lew could answer he added, “And that’s a cause for another celebratory round.”

Lew pulled out his right hand to take the new deal, but withdrew it at the last second. “One thing. My prize starts now.“

Dud made a show of being reluctant to the new demand. Then as if to surrender, “Ok. You buy a round, and your beer is free.” He reached out, and the two men shook on it.

Dud filled twenty mugs. The men, still silent over the third challenge, suddenly came back to life, remembering the second one.

Lew downed the last of his brew and motioned for Dud. “I’ll be needin a thermomometerer.” Dud fished around in a drawer behind the bar, and came up with one. It was a plain old indoor thermometer, about an inch wide, and six inches long. He looked at it, shrugged, and handed it across the bar to Lew, who looked at it, shrugged, and after three tries, tucked it in his shirt pocket.

Lew stood, steadied himself, and announced that the time had come. He made his way through the crowd to the sound of cheers and wolf whistles. When he reached my end of the bar, he walked toward the back door.

Jack Hollings cut him off and walked him to the stairs “Room four Buddy, first door at the top.” Lew turned to Jack, raised a finger, then seeming to forget what he was about to say, he turned back, and started up the stairs.

Halfway up, where the stairs turn right, and continue up behind the bar, Lew stopped, looked back, and pointed a finger up the stairs. “Yes!” they all shouted together, and up he went.

The pub was silent as we waited for any sound that might betray what was happenin in room four.

Suddenly, Billy Witherspoon piped up, “He forgot the tray of food.” Bull slapped him on the back of the head, and shushed him.

Just then, a bloodcurdling scream came from room four. There was a lot of thumpin and stompin like a moose tryin to get into a pair of long johns. This was followed by a loud crash, and Lew came tumbling down the steps.

He ended up sittin splay-legged in the corner of the landing. Two fellows grabbed an arm and helped him down. “I did it. I did it.” He kept saying. They slid him onto the stool next to me. Lew pounded his fist on the bar and announced “This calls for a celbatory round, and member mine is free.”

While Dud was filling twenty mugs he asked. “So, what happened up there?”

“I walk in the room, and there shes... right there sittin where... shes on the bed. ‘Who are you?’ she says. ‘Dud asked me to take care of you since he can’t stomach the thought.’ says me.”

“And what did she say?”

“Not a thing. She jus stripped down to her nuttins and laid there in her nakedness.”

“And?”

“Well I asks, does she want it usual, or in the bottom. Well, she reckons in the bottom.” The pub erupted in hoots and laughter.

“So, what was all that ruckus at the end?”

“Donno what happen. I barely get started, when she jumps up and thows me through the umm, umm”

“Door?” says Dud.

“Wall.” says Lew.

Dud slowly shook his head with a groan and moved down the bar to serve the beers. I leaned toward Lew and spoke quiet. “Look. I’m worried about you doing this last challenge. Axil is a big mean dog. He’s not gonna have any of this. If you try sticking that thing in him, he’s likely to spin around, rip it out of your hand, and chew it up”.

“I can’t quit now. I’ll lose double beer for life. What do I do? What DO I do?”

“I’ve been thinking about that. Listen. Axel is on a chain. Just get hold of his tail, and pull it around out of his reach. Do that, and you'll have it made.”

“Now thas a plan. Lemme at that puppy sos I get it done, doin that umm, umm, you know.” We stood, and I shook his hand. “Good luck Lew.”

“For the las time, my name is Buddy.”

We watched in silence as he stumbled to the rear door, opened it, and stepped through. Just before the door closed Dud called out, “Hey Buddy!”

I was hoping maybe Dud grew a conscience, but no. “How was it?” he asks.

Buddy looked back through the open door “How was what?”

“You know,” Dud pumped his thumb toward the stairs, “up there.”

“Oh, right,” he tossed the thermometer to Dud. “Tell the doc bout ninety-eighty. Your aunt will be jus fine.” Then he closed the door.