Sons of Anarchy: The Drinking Game!

During all this pandemic-enforced time at home, my husband and I have elevated binge-watching entertainments to a high art; we must have watched dozens of TV serieses marathon-style while curled up together on the couch, accompanied by copious amounts of wine and popcorn.

We’ve also noticed that when you watch an entire season of a TV show back-to-back over the course of a few days, you start noticing some commonly recurring situations within that show. With that in mind, I give you:

Sons of Anarchy -- The Drinking Game!

1. Any time somebody makes a Shakespeare reference – you drink.

2. Any time John Teller appears in a voiceover – you drink.

3. Any time somebody refers to Jackson Teller as “The Prince” – you drink.

4. Any time Gemma complains of vaginal dryness – you drink.

5. Any time Tig describes participating in an illegal sexual practice, i.e. prostitution, necrophilia, bestiality – you drink.

6. Any time Chibs makes a droll comment employing a puckish Irish colloquialism – you drink.

7. Any time Half-Sack shows somebody his scrotum – you drink.

8. Any time somebody mentions Lyla performing X degrading sexual act “for a living” or “for money” – you drink.

9. Any time Opie inexplicably makes out with some preposterous hottie who in real life would never give a schlep like him the time of day – you drink.

10. Any time Tara takes Jackson back after some nefarious act for which any sane woman would leave him, i.e. cheating on her, committing a major felony – you drink.

11. Any time Jackson tells Tara he’s breaking up with her for her own good – you drink.

12. Any time one of the Sons manages to silently sneak up on someone on his modified, muffler-less Harley Davidson – you drink.

13. Any time someone bitchslaps somebody else – you drink.

14. Any time someone bitchslaps someone else, who then immediately bitchslaps them back – you drink twice.

15. Any time a super-tough stone-cold MC member sheds tears over the death of a club brother, old lady/girlfriend, or other loved one – you drink.

16. Any time Piney uses his portable oxygen tank as a weapon – you drink.

17. Any time Tig bites off part of his opponent during a fistfight – you drink.

18. Any time Gemma inflicts trauma to another woman’s face, or to a man’s genital region – you drink.

19. Any time Juice catches flak for not being Latino enough – you drink.

20. Any time somebody kidnaps one of Jackson Teller’s loved ones: Gemma, Tara, Abel, et al. – you drink.

21. Any time Sheriff Unser smokes a medical marijuana doobie – you drink.

22. Any time ATF Agent Stahl out-repartees everybody else in any given scene with her shockingly irreverent wit – you drink.

23. Any time Agent Stahl offers one of the Sons a deal and then screws him over – you drink.

24. Any time Henry Rollins acts an entire scene with his blistering psychopathic gaze and makes his exit without saying a word – you drink. (One hopes ol' Hank is not being paid by lines of dialogue uttered in this one.)

25. Any time Clay receives oral sex from a woman who is NOT Gemma – you drink.

26. Any time a woman who is currently engaged in boning Jackson Teller makes triumphant eye contact with another woman over his shoulder while doing so – you drink.

27. If Jackson Teller’s bare ass appears onscreen – you drink.

28. Whenever Tig has sex with a woman who does NOT end up dead – you drink.

29. Any time one of the Caracara porn starlets get into a big old catfight with another woman – you drink.

30. Whenever Stephen King has a cameo – do a shot.

I highly recommend staying hydrated, taking small sips, swallowing a few anticipatory Advil, and only watching one episode per day, as I do not want to be responsible for any horrific hangovers. Please drink responsibly!