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Funniest Hidden Flasks to Help You Hide Your Booze

Bras, babies, and binoculars are all on some of the best hidden flasks. And those are just some of the options!

By Ben KharakhPublished 6 years ago 5 min read

Sure, you can drink a can of Steel Reserve or blackberry brandy from a brown paper bag, but what if you want to be even more discrete? Maybe you're at a beach, park, movies, or high school graduation and really need to keep your alcohol consumption on the down low. Luckily, the best hidden flasks will make no one the wiser in regards to your secret boozing.

"Ow, my head hurts. Glug glug glug!" No one will think twice if you've already got an ice pack near your head, making this one of the best hidden flasks. You don't even need an excuse because no one would ever question an injury! "Hey, does your neck really hurt or is that Schnapps in there?" Not gonna happen!

"I love the smell of this eau de toilette on my wrist; glug glug glug!" This is one of the best hidden flasks to wear to a fancy event or if you want to show up overdressed to something casual. You can take sips in between trips to the bar or pre-game so that it's easier to make conversation with other people. Hey, don't judge; sometimes you gotta go into things loose!

"Are you drinking sun screen?" "No, it's alcohol." "Oh, good, let me hit that!" And you were worried people would react poorly to you having a lotion bottle full of creme de menthe and brandy. Also, whoa, what a combination to bring to the beach! This is one of the best hidden flasks because you can alway keep it on you during the summer regardless of where you are. Just don't accidentally rub this on hoping to get a tan!

Do you just wanna be free, get loaded, and have a good time; but you're at work? Euch, the worst! That's why this tie's one of the best hidden flasks around. Usually, it's unusual to keep something around your neck that's really close to your mouth, but, at work, people wear ties all the time! So you can keep a buzz going the whole day and everyone will just think you've achieved an enviable stillness after years in the office. Who knows, maybe someone at your office is buzzed right now!

"You're a real shutterbug!" Someone will this say after you've taken one too many sips from your camera. "I sure am!" you'll respond, "Glug glug glug." "Did you just say 'glug glug glug'?" Oh my God, you've been found out! Quick, tell them that you're just drinking in the scenery. "Oh, haha, that's funny!" Phew, that was a close one. If you had said nothing no one would suspect a thing because this is camera flask of the best hidden flasks around.

"Fill my eyes with that boozy vision!" This is one of the best hidden flasks because binoculars already go around your neck and when you're using them you already need to bring them right near your mouth. No one will be the wiser! These binoculars hold 8 oz of liquid on each side, which is a lot! Almost enough for someone to ask, "Do you have a problem?" but then you just say, "No, I like seeing things up close!" And they'll accept your answer because who brings binoculars full of Jägermeister to an event?!

"Ring ring ring; alcohol!" This is one of the best hidden flasks because people already have their phones on them at all times. They're playing Candy Crush, texting too much, or just obsessively reading about President Sex Criminal. So, in a way, by drinking and relaxing, you're actually being the least rude of all your phubbing friends because you're present with them.

Haha, pouring alcohol into your coffee is an amateur move because what do you do if someone tries your coffee?! That's why this is one of the best hidden flasks around: it lets you pour your alcohol around your coffee. Also, if you angrily throw your coffee in someone's face, then you can immediately drink your whiskey to take the edge off that encounter. "How dare they accuse me of drinking on the job?!"

This is one of the best hidden flasks around because it lets you share with a lot of alcohol with a lot of people, or drink yourself into a stupor without anyone noticing. And you probably don't have to make it look like your distributing your booze out of your urethra! Perfect for parks, the movies, the mall, and anywhere else where you won't get the pat down.

Fill these best hidden flasks with booze and hide them in your bra! You know how they say that alcoholism is about your relationship with alcohol and not how much you drink? Tell yourself that if you buy this product!

Perfect for the long-haired drinkers among us, this hairbrush flask is a way to let your hair down while keeping your hair nice. This is one of the best hidden flasks because a brush already is something so many people keep on them. Chew on the handle so that people think keeping a brush near your mouth is just a nervous habit!

You may know that butt chugging is one of the worst life hacks that you should never try, but these tampons are flasks as opposed to actual tampons that you soak in booze and then put up your ass. What makes them one of the best hidden flasks around is that so many cultures stigmatize menstruation and that'll keep people from talking to you about tampons. Oh, goody! One of the ten rights that women don't have but men dois being able to discuss one's body freely and without reservation. GODDAMN THIS WHITE SUPREMACIST PATRIARCHY! I need a drink; gimme a tampon!

What this hoodie lacks in logos it makes up for by being one of the best hidden flasks around. Wear it to a high school event, a family gathering, or even on a social outing with friends. No one will notice that you're keeping a steady buzz going, especially since people already suck on the laces of their hoodies. And if you do this often enough, people will always just think the person you are when buzzed is who you always are! Which, by the way, does sound an actual problematic relationship with alcohol.

This is not just one of the best hidden flasks, but it also is may be the best best hidden flask. People will just think you really love kissing your baby or sniffing up that sweet, sweet baby smell. Who would even think that's a fake baby full of booze?! If someone asks you what's up with the doll, just tell them it's something you and your partner are doing to see if you're ready for a real child. Just conceal the nozzle with a cute baby hat!


About the Creator

Ben Kharakh

Manic pixie dream goth. With appearances in Fortune, Vice, Gothamist, and McSweeney's.@benkharakh

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    Ben KharakhWritten by Ben Kharakh

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