Who Is In My Mirror?

I think I knew who I was when I was a child. I think it didn't matter to me, really, but I knew. I was my parents daughter. I was a carefree, fun, silly little girl. I played with dolls, loved pink, wore only skirts, and was scared of bugs. My pencil box was pink and I was five.

Then I started wanting action figures, my favorite color was blue, I only wore shorts and I was scared of bugs. Pink was an awful color, too girly, and blue was for boys, perfect. I wanted a wrestling ring with action figures and dinosaur toys. I had short hair. I didn't think I was a boy, but I didn't really want to be a girl. I found it strange, like my mirror was distorted. My pencil box was blue when I was six.

I stayed that way for a few years, finding myself slightly uncomfortable with being a girl but never knowing why. I grew up in a small town where racism and homophobia was still prevalent. Transgender, non-binary, genderfluidity were words that never found their way into my vocabulary. So, I made friends with girls and pretended to like boys - I even designated my 'crushes'.

I went back to liking dresses a bit, but only sometimes. It took a certain mood before I felt able to wear my own clothes. I bounced between letting my hair grow out and chopping it short. I couldn't decide where I was most comfortable because everything felt wrong. Purple became my favorite color - a mix of pink and blue.

Troubles hit me when I reached double digits. My dad lost his job, got his hand tore to shreds, we became racked with debt and we couldn't afford electricity. I left my friends just as I started discovering my interests, myself, in art and anime for another state, far away. I found a small group of new friends, much nicer friends although they didn't quite understand what I was going through. I was more isolated in this city than I had been in the countryside small town.

I threw myself into the internet and into reading. I found more interests. I found myself almost represented in books written for middle school boys, and connected to these stories. I still felt othered though, wishing for something I couldn't be. Luckily my family was too busy trying to keep us afloat so I could read whatever I pleased. I saw mentions of 'gay' and people liking the same genders in my exploration, but I didn't quite understand. I think I was developing feelings towards my lady friends though, finding myself interested in them but brushing it off as just feeling friendly towards them. Despite not consciously connecting the dots to the words I was seeing and my emotions, something in me knew what was happening.

Next year my parents divorced, and it was back to my small hometown. My mom was a mess, so I raised myself that year. I was stressed and depressed, but at least I could be with my old friends again. When I returned, there was a new addition to my group. A girl that I had seen in passing before I left, but had become close to all my friends, almost taking my place. I distanced myself initially, and then I really started talking to this new person. I changed in ways that my other friends couldn't understand, I had started uncovering things about myself that separated us. My new friend understood. They showed me things that finally clicked in my head.

They were also born a girl, but they didn't resonate with that, they didn't have this connection between their body and their mind like me. They also liked girls. Their confidence in this made everyone else in the group sort of accept it, making it okay for me when I realized that these new words, new terms described me so well. Genderfluid and pansexual - or at least, these were the terms I found myself using initially. I was scared of 'missing out', and considering I had never had a relationship yet, I figured I wouldn't turn away the experience of finding out for myself. The journey from middle school, first discovering myself, to college is a long one, one I'm proud of myself for. I faced many challenges in this identity, but I am more comfortable with how I present myself than I ever had before.

Looking in the mirror now, I can see more of myself than before. It still isn't quite who I am, but I get closer to seeing the person I want to be everyday.