What I am.

Hello. My Name is Sherrie-Skye. I know, it's a strange first name to most but, it's mine.

My story's a bit simple if a bit cliché, as life hasn't just been 'difficult' for me, exclusively. I'll admit, I can't blame my childhood for all the ups-and-downs; because I'm an adult, and I am responsible for the decisions I make and the consequences I face!

In life, there are a lot of hurdles; it's from them that we grow. I've come to accept this but, it's never made those hurdles easier to navigate or conquer. As they say: "Knowing is only half the battle." Considering the goal is set, I suppose the true struggle lies in the process but, I digress.

Growing up, there were some things I knew not to share with my family, and for good reason. Even at a young age, I learned what 'survival mode' was and how important it'd become to me. Practicing the defensive art of self-preservation never kept me from harm, per se. It made my skin 'thicker', which made me more resilient. It kept me on my toes, able to dodge worse scenarios. Through the process of elimination, it showed me how things were supposed to be. EX: Love isn't always painful so, don't avoid it. Family doesn't have to mean 'disappointment'! Being different doesn't mean I'm a 'bad person'! Deciding I wanted something different for my life other than what others had in mind for me doesn't mean I'm 'worthless'! Looking different doesn't mean I'm 'ugly' and, resolving issues and problems using my method of thought instead of someone else's militant orders doesn't make me 'stupid'! It took me a long time before I would understand how the world would see me. I felt advanced in some ways and disabled in others. Luckily for me, time alone allowed me to learn that even my faults are empowering!

Being Transgender didn't come as a shock to most of my friends or family; many of them told me they already knew! So, I guess I was the one in shock? Yeah, a strange turn of events, truly! I've never regretted my decision to transition, even though I allowed fear to keep me from following through for years! Once I started transitioning, I was admittedly 'embarrassed' for all the obvious reasons but, I was never ashamed of who I was! When the 'changes' began, it didn't take me long at all to tear down all the falsehoods I had set in place to protect myself. I went full force! After all, If I'm going to be myself, really myself, I'm no longer going to let anyone get in my way, including me! It's been six and a half years now. There are some things that I wish were different but, being single and not having any family support, I'm proud of what I've accomplished on my own! Statistically speaking, not many could've survived what I was forced to endure so, I don't feel that pride is arrogant or misplaced at all.

Hardships have been constant, though. As they say: "The struggle is real!". The strength, determination, and 'fight' are just as real. Sadly, most take those things for granted, but I didn't. I allowed them to pick me up when I felt hopeless. They gave me motivation when the stress of simply existing started to overwhelm me. I revived the spirit by healing the mind! All the things I'd been shown over the years, designed to hurt or diminish me, no longer affected me! I was able to see through it and, once you do some simple math (Me + Trauma = Pain < Me -Drama = Goal)! I realized basic math was the solution! By 'subtracting' or cutting ties, I was able to breathe! I didn't need to rely on survival mode anymore!

Being in my 40's hasn't changed my goals or journey. It has changed who I want by my side to celebrate those goals on my journey, though!

Admittedly, my desire to belong and be loved was so strong that I'd only cut ties last year (2020). The final straw(s) was my sister pushing me down a flight of stairs: My mother told me she wished she had aborted me, and my mother's boyfriend tried to rape me. During the same time these things happened, I unwillingly fully DEtransitioned due to medical negligence, and I had moved into an apartment that had an incredibly aggressive bed bug infestation; I suffered over 400 bites, altogether. All of this happened during the same 3-month span. All starting at 5:30 am the morning after my Birthday (my favorite day of the entire year, December 29). However, I do not regret the decision(s) to cut those people out of my life or file a case against my old Landlord. I'm still healing from everything (mentally, emotionally, and physically) to this day (November 15, 2021) but, I find a simple shift in perception helps alter my path from victim to survivor. I'm human, and as much as I want to belong and feel loved, I have to have limits on what I will and won't accept as well as situations I will and won't invite into my adult life!

There's still no word on the court case against the old Landlord. My mother tried to text me last December, telling me she had Christmas and Birthday gifts and if I'd let her know when I could pick them up (trying to ignore what had happened). I messaged her back that day, telling her: "Return them. I don't want anything from you and lose my number. I don't need you or [my sister] in my life and don't want you messaging me anymore." It was a tough decision, but it's been peaceful ever since!

I started REtransitioning in August of 2020, having DEtransitioned from March to August of 2020, which did a mental 'number' on me but, while things aren't the same as when I first started transitioning, in March of 2015, the fact that the hormones are effective is good enough, for me! My name and gender marker were both legally changed in July of 2018, and I'm hoping to schedule my surgeries soon. I still don't regret who I am, and the only thing I'm embarrassed about now is how my skin looks. I have so many permanent keloid scars everywhere that I feel 'gross'! I'm a process within a process, so hopefully, given time, I'll be able to see that part of things differently, too. For now, though, I have to accept myself as a whole. My doubts, flaws, skin, past, and my 'imperfections' are 'OK' because I'm a good person; I'm strong, intelligent, resilient, and more powerful than I'd ever believed of myself!

If my 'life' hasn't killed me, then only 'death' itself can but, until that time comes, nothing can hold me back!

Thank you for taking the time to read about some of my struggles. I appreciate it!