the mirror reminds me of the day before

AT REST

if you were to look at me right now

you would see stillness

peace

rest

i’m rarely at rest

so when it comes i do my best to cherish it

if you were to look at me right now

you would see my head softly resting on a firm pillow

with my eyes closed

my arms wrapped around my comfort pillow

wrapped tightly in the warmth of my blanket

the breath flows so easily in this state

my body remembers how to take care of itself in rest

it regenerates

it prepares

it heals

if you were to look at me right now

you would see someone sleeping

but there’s so much more going on

as i rest

i dream i’m celebrated

that people like me are celebrated

i dream of aging and sharing my experiences with Trans youth

i dream of ease

of letting go

of controlling what i can

of releasing what i have no power over

i dream of rest

i dream of dreams

i dream so much i begin to believe it’s real

i dream and it wakes me up

REALITY

as this heightened state fades away

my muscles aching remind me of what plane i’m in

i begin the sacred ritual of tending to my body in the morning

i stretch and flail about the bed working every kink out i possibly can

i sip whatever leftover liquid brought to bed the night before

i attend to the bright 2” by 5” rectangle we call a phone

i affirm as best i can

i try to pull myself out of bed for hours

and then

i finally face the reality i’m living in

clothes strewn about the floor

a room cluttered with furniture

the laptop still playing TV as a sleep aid from the night before

a nightstand filled with unwashed cups

a still-packed suitcase

an unworn euphoric dress hanging on the closet door still yearning to be worn

my great grandmother’s painting of a waterlily

unfolded laundry on the edge of the bed

a closet bulging at the seams

i finally face the reality i’m living in

a mind filled with germinating seeds

of writings

actions

sewing projects

passions and pursuits

routines to help with ease

a mind filled with germinating seeds

but no idea of how to sew them

a mind filled with germinating seeds

but no confidence in their ability to sprout

a mind filled with germinating seeds

without the knowledge of how to tend to them as they grow

if you were to look at me right now

you would see my ease transform into avoidance

you would see my rest become unrest

you would see my peace become unending questioning

i finally face the reality i’m living in

and somehow today is different

i’ve accumulated more ease, more

acceptance, more patience, more

rest

my muscles and bones move

the next thing i know i’m up

i’m moving

i may not be moving as much as i wanted to or as soon as i expected to

but

i’m moving

I’M MOVING!

I’M MOVING!

I’M MOVING!

i brush my teeth

comb my hair

take a shower

and

look in the mirror

the mirror reminds me of the day before

the multi-colored glitter strewn about my face

the lipstick residue left on my cheeks and my neck

the wrinkles from the joy and the pain

the hair that needs a comb

the smudged eyeshadow

the mirror reminds me of the day before

the tears from losing loved ones

the fear from having bricks thrown my way

the anger from another Black Trans person dying

the laughter from being silly

the joy from wearing that dress

the sensuality from the first time i looked at myself naked and felt turned on by my body

the mirror reminds me of the day before

fear

silence

isolation

no more

the mirror reminds me of the day before

but i say no more

the mirror reminds me of the day before

but i won’t live like this anymore

the mirror reminds me of the day before

and calls on me to explore

ME IN PROCESS

if you were to look at me right now,

you would see someone in process

the germinating seeds start to get the care they need

i dream so much they start to become real

and

i’m at rest a little more often

i regenerate

i prepare

i heal

i dream the reality i’m living in