The Man I Loved 20 Years Ago Is Still the Man I Love Today

After watching the Netflix movie, Your Name Engraved Herein, I started to reminisce about a young man I hadn't seen for twenty years. Yet, my memory of him never left me, buried and locked inside my heart.

Time heals all wounds. Life continues, but I will never forget that day in 2001 when he left without saying goodbye.

When I first met him, it was serendipity. It was at a dinner that we were both invited. I still remember that night as if it was last night.

I arrived early, I always do. It was a business dinner. I remember him as he joined our table. He was late.

He introduced himself, and he ended up taking the seat across from where I was seated.

It feels like being transported back in time when I first experienced young love. It was love at first sight. It had all the feels of being in love.

After dinner, we ended up in one corner. We were drinking wine. It was as if we were all alone by ourselves, free from the glaring eyes of the other guests. We started talking. Well, he did most of the talking. He was amiable.

Oh, Boy! He was charming.

I am always unsure of myself. At thirty-two, I was still in the closet. A closeted gay man who doesn't want the world to know I am gay.

He was twenty-seven, younger by five years, but his childlike demeanor makes you think he is younger than his age. While we were talking, my mind was wandering off, and it's just the way I am, always not being in the present.

The conversation in my head is already in full swing, bringing with it questions like, how can this young man make me feel this way?

We ended up leaving that party together. We walked through the streets, and it was cold. I remember the cold wind touching my cheeks, but my heart was as warm as a freshly baked cookie. We decided to look for a cafe. We didn't want that night to end.

We had coffee. And there were more stories shared, mostly his. All I can remember now is on that night, I was happy. He made me happy.

Looking back, I should have held his hand, asked him to come home with me, but I didn't. So I'd have to wait the next day to hear from him again.

The morning after

The morning after, I get a very early call at 7 a.m. We must have exchanged numbers. I find it amusing how even to recall the smallest details from twenty years ago.

In 2001, there were no social media yet, the way we have it now. If Facebook were around, my post would be;

This boy is in love with you!

Bochok, a pet name I gave him, is full of life. He could give the Energizer Bunny a run for his money. There was nothing not to like about this young man, not in my eyes, anyway. We have similar interests. We are technology geeks.

After that call, next came the countless visits. We were inseparable. We would see each other almost every day. Each day was different. We did things together like a couple does, except we were not a couple, and we never became a couple.

The endless movie dates, the constant bickering, and endless banter. It was as good as it gets. It was good as long as it lasted because he was gone on that one fateful day.

Life continues

In the last twenty years, I became a cruise photographer on ships. I traveled around the world. I loved other men, my heart got broken a few more times, and I loved again. I laughed. I cried. I dreamed. I failed. I dreamed again.

Whenever my heart is broken, I think of Bochok. I go back in time and ponder these thoughts, whatever happened to him and whatever happened to us.

Ten years since I last laid eyes on him, I crossed paths with him. It felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. When I recognize his youthful face, he hasn't aged a bit since. I was too afraid. I didn't take the chance.

Instead, I walked away. I walked past him. It will take another decade to experience a miracle of healing.

Your Name Engraved Herein

As I watched Your Name Engraved Herein, I couldn't help but see us as the ill-fated couple in the movie.

I still remember what food Bochok likes, the movies he enjoys, and how I can forget our song, Uptown girl. He wouldn't only sing it to me, but he would dance to the beat. A song that always makes me smile, then and now.

When he left, my world crashed. I tried to look for him, and our last conversation ended up badly. I still don't know what it was. It was as if he needed to leave or that I may have caused him deep pain. If there was love, that love was gone.

I can never find him on any social media networks. There have been countless attempts in the last twenty years.

After I posted my movie review on my Facebook feed, a friend of mine, one whom we call Queen, left a comment on my post;

Message him now. Call him. Do everything to connect with him. Invite him to dinner. You deserve the truth. You deserve love.

Taking the risk

I did find Bochok, not on Facebook or Twitter, but on LinkedIn. But before I can message him, I have to make a friend request.

If there is something the pandemic taught me. It was to be in the present; the worst thing that could happen was he would ignore me. It was a risk that I was willing to take, despite what the voice in my head tells me, which is not to do it.

And it took a few days that I received an email that we are now connected on LinkedIn.

I sent him a message, and he replied.

Twenty years apart

We are now much older, we are the same, but we are also we are different.

When I read his reply, it felt like I was being healed. It was surreal. I call it a miracle of healing. A Course in Miracles says a miracle withheld will become available once you are ready.

It took twenty years before the miracle withheld would manifest. But, as I was reading every word he said, I could visualize my heart. I thought the broken pieces of my heart when he left, have long been healed.

But here it was, I saw the broken pieces being glued together; I could feel a warm light passing through my soul. It took this long for my heart to be whole again.

This is what happens to our heart when it gets broken; it will take love to heal.

While it will be nice to have coffee and catch up with him, I now know why he left and went to fulfill his destiny.

Back to the future

There was never a need for closure. I have long accepted that we set people free, especially the ones we love.

Sometimes our journey with them ends, not because we stopped loving each other, but because we stop being part of their life's journey, either by design or choice.

We should see them as a human spirit and respect their decision when they move forward to pursue what they need to experience in their life. It could be in pursuit of their dreams or happiness.

I am proud of what he has accomplished in life. I always knew success would come his way. I was also proud that I did take the risk. I am happy and at peace.

Our paths have crossed once before; love circles back. Time will tell if we will ever meet again, or does it even matter?

Bochok, as I call him is the man I loved twenty years ago, and he would always be the man I love even today.