The Less Spoken About Aspects of Coming Out "Later in Life"

For anyone coming out after having built a life- career, marriage, kids- the process and feelings can be quite different from that of a younger person. The one thing that remains the same between the two age groups is the fear and the real possibility of rejection. Each age group faces distinct challenges to living authentically. This list of "Things I Was Not Prepared For" impacted me, and a few other later blooming queer women I have spoken to, but seemed to be less impacting to my loud and proud LGBTQIA daughter and her friends.

The initial “coming out” for many is reason enough to stay in the closet. The "what if?" scenarios that run through our heads psych us up to a point of immobility at times. Trying to imagine the reactions of everyone in your life to your announcement can wreak havoc on your mind.

Even before I knew with 100% certainty that I was a lesbian, I knew 100% that I was different from everyone around me. I didn’t know what exactly made me different, but there was always a little voice at the back of my head that made me aware I was slightly left of center. Making the decision to come out was arguably the hardest choice I’d made to date, and as the logical, overly prepared person that I am, I of course did research beforehand.

I read a plethora of coming out stories; read about how others were received by their family and friends. I even joined online support groups. The stories ranged from, horribly traumatic, to warm and loving. I spent quite a while living vicariously through others. Experiencing their bravery and courage - words I never personally felt described my own coming out journey at the time, but that I could easily recognize in other people - through their words, I found comfort in knowing the wide range of emotions and reactions I’d receive when I was finally brave enough to make that jump myself.

But… And there is a BIG but here, what I had no way of knowing was how much had been glossed over in the stories. In the grander scheme, they might may not seem noteworthy, or as poignant, but can still be unintentionally jarring. This is my list of things that were less spoken about in the coming out stories I read, but should still be addressed.

Every story I read fell into those three categories. While yes it’s true those are the reactions people have when you tell them, the issue lies solely within the latter reaction, Indifference. For most it would seem like you should take the indifference as a win. After all, if it's not a negative response then add it to the positive column, call it a day. For a lot of us though, our coming out is akin to recovering from a burn or a scrap. You'll survive, but that period of new skin growth is always a little sensitive and uncomfortable in the beginning.

Any time I came out to someone and received a blasé response, it was like a brush against the new skin. I was happy I wasn’t getting the third degree, or being asked if I was really, really sure. Still though, it left me anxious. Was I being ignored, or being dismissed? Was it not as big of a deal to others as it was to me? When you’ve been fretting and gearing yourself up; readying yourself for the metaphorical battle that is telling someone you’ve known for 20 years that you are gay, and the most you get is an “OK” and shoulder shrug… Well it’s both anticlimactic, and confusing.

This is a huge moment in your life. You're being vulnerable, laying yourself bare. Clearly, if you are coming out to a particular person then they are important to you. You want them to be by your side as you navigate your way through these unsteady waters. Their non-reaction makes it hard to read them, and you are stuck asking what it all means, and where they stand with you. Their lack of response can knock you off kilter for a while.

Those who met my stepping out of the closet with indifference, admitted that their reaction (or lack of one) was their attempt to try to show that even if they were confused, that they still loved me, and nothing would change between us.

Still I wish I had known to expect an indifferent reaction to hurt even if just a little bit.

The core group of friends I had at the time I came out took it remarkably well. They had only seen me with men - hell I was still technically married to one! - I am sure the whiplash from the sudden change was considerable. After talking, or more accurately answering questions I didn’t have the answers to myself, we settled back into normal... Or so had I thought. Normal is a relative term I know, but I had never been so acutely aware of how abnormal normal can be.

My best friend threw her husband a big birthday party one year. His family and friends from all over the country flew in for the event. Everyone was having a great time, laughing and joking, when my friend sees her husbands cousin out of the corner of her eye and starts pulling me over towards the him. "Come meet Steve, he's Alex's gay cousin!" she whispered to me. She then introduced me to Steve with something to the effect of "Hey Steve, this my gay BFF”

l appreciated the sentiment of acceptance, but I'm sure poor Steve and I could have found other commonalities to talk about other than our shared same sex attraction to people.

When dealing with family and friends this section fits in best with the above section. It’s when dealing with well-meaning strangers that it becomes distinctly in its own category of things I wish I'd have known.

That being said, nothing more beautiful than when you are accepted and acknowledged. But, well-meaning people can take it too far sometimes. In their acknowledgment, and need to prove they accept you, sayings such as, “I’m just so happy you all can live normal lives now!” or “look at that cute gay couple over there.” can make you feel a part but separate. The words “you all”, “normal”, and “gay couple” turn a lovely discussion into an us and them conversation.

Allies can be quick to jump to conclusions about persons intentions towards you as well, sometimes leading to them becoming unnecessarily overprotective of you. This happened more with friends and family than it did with strangers in my experience- but still they really do mean well.

One day I was out grabbing a coffee with a friend, when the not-so-gentleman before us in line started being rude to the staff. When he turned to leave he gave everyone some angry looks and shoved past us to head towards the door. A normal angry customer tantrum, if i ever did see one. My loving and well-intentioned friend mumbles “homophobic a**hole” and looked about to say something louder to him. Thankfully, we were next in line and well, coffee takes precedence.

Nothing about the encounter said it was homophobic in nature though. Was the guy an a**hole - YES, definitely! Was he homophobe? Who knows... Yes, I did have some rainbow merch on but, the mans actions in that moment weren’t because I was a lesbian. He was an average run-of-the-mill jerk that anyone who has ever worked in the service industry has encountered countless times before. The sentiment that my friend had my back touched me for sure, but the execution left me feeling somewhat spotlighted and singled out from everyone else the man had been rude to.

After, we had a conversation about how, yes, homophobia is still alive and well in society today, but, I also talked about how jumping to a homophobic conclusion too quickly, can escalate a non-situation into something much more serious.

Assigning the term of homophobia to any instance involving a queer person can have the adverse effect and desensitize people to the true impact it has on the LGBTQIA community. Which, at the end of the day, can do more harm than good.

Some people are just a**holes. No more, no less. Just because their ire is sprinkled in my direction and I happen to be a lesbian in no way means that they are homophobic.

Maybe, I am too sensitive - not a sentiment ever used to describe me before, but who knows, maybe I am. If I am though, I know I am not the only one out there! I do wonder though if my annoyance of these occurrences is more pronounced because I lived for years as a straight married woman. If I hadn’t lived most of my life in a hetero-normative way, would they still annoy or hurt me as much? If I went through my teen years out and proud like my own daughter, would I even take notice of these little slights?

If my daughters awareness is born out of finding who she is early in life, is my sensitivity born from my repression?

One thing I would like to take a minute to acknowledge though, is how grateful I am to all my family and friends that did stick around. Even though I may have been annoyed or felt alienated at times, I know now that was never their intention. And after many open and frank discussions on the topics stated above, we have a new-found respect for each other, and built an even stronger bond between us. We collectively made a new kind of "normal' together. We just had to make it through a few growing pains to get there!

Knowledge is power after all, so If you find yourself in a similar place as I did- stepping over the threshold of your personal closet, know that while yes, you will experience these kinds of situations too- you too shall get through it. Once the new skin toughens - and it will toughen - you'll shake your head; maybe even chuckle to yourself at the absurdity of it all and go about your day. Because for everything that has changed, you are still YOU, just a newer and, hopefully happier version of you!