seafoam ode to my performed gender

seafoam ode to my performed gender

at once you foam, then

break open. you are

the sea, the sea air open-

-ing, white froth glint,

the light resting inside.

the light bursting inside.

you are when

*

the ocean breathes,

oh briny more than skin,

than lungs, than heart.

at once you are all

and none.

the crest of my tongue laps

with you. enter trough and burst

*

inside. become my blood.

your power lies in shift-

-ing states, your form

at once crystal, once sky,

once water, once body.

no words can hold you off.

you are dimly colorless, yet

*

infinitely golden. become my blood.

oh form as foam as body

filled with air, enter.

bubble saltwise

and burst

into

*

my power, the white froth

glint, the resting light

inside my shifting

shapes.

Hi! I'm Joe (ze/zir). I'm grey asexual and agender. I write hybrid essays that border on confessional poetry and nonfiction. I am a marine engineer. I am a New Yorker who lives in Seattle. I can’t sit still or stay in one place and I work with my hands. I am a survivor of abuse. I am a half orphan, a twin, a disowned child. I am queer.

I’m not defined by any one of these things. I’m defined by all of them, and by the ways they’ve impacted my physical body.

Wow, isn't it powerful to use words so sharply? I came out as agender and grey asexual in an email from the middle of the South Pacific Ocean. A rush of relief like seabreeze came over me as I copied and pasted the same description to my best friends:

So I have been thinking a lot about it (obviously, when am I not thinking about absolutely everything in the same moment?) and I identify as a Grey Asexual and Agender. Which is cool to realize . I am understanding identity as so arbitrary—and really labeling myself is the same things as clinging to a preconceived conception of myself, which is inauthentic and pain-causing. I’ve been feeling so much anxiety about it, and when I realized I didn’t have to it was such a huge relief. Asexual means not physically attracted to anyone, but there is a spectrum and I have trained myself to have sex with men (which became a problem because I have sex with them even though I don’t want to, because I feel like sex is the only reason why someone would want to be with me, and connect my value to my sex---so yeah problematic), and do enjoy making other people happy that way, even though I really could do without it. Some Asexual people are repulsed by sex and would never ever have it, but I’m not that. Also some asexual people are “aromantic”—not romantically attracted to anyone, but that’s not me either. So I’m grey asexual. And I’m not clinging to that term, the term inherently has enough flexibility for me to reevaluate and act as a please inside of it. (ugh why do I love words so much why do I need them?!) Agender is not identifying with any specific gender expression. So there’s the Male, Female binary. Trans is when you are assigned one end of the binary at birth but identify as the other. Non-binary is when you identify as somewhere along the spectrum, Genderfluid is when you feel like your identity shifts along that spectrum at different times in your life. Agender is just NOPE NONE OF THEM I IDENTIFY AS NONE OF THAT LITERALLY OFF THE SPECTRUM MY GENDER IS THE MOON. As soon as I read about this, I identified with it. It’s hard to exist in a space that doesn’t exist. Especially when you have to get five pages deep into a google search to even find a word that sort of feels right. And then part of me feels dumb, like I should just stop and identify as a gay man—but I’ve never truly identified as that, and everyone assumes that’s what I am, and that’s what I was always told, but I never felt that way. So I’m going to own my own identification and express myself as whatever I want. Which is exactly the same as I always have. True identity is doge. Flannel and abc pants bb, maybe a tank top. Lol. I’m also still going to use he/him pronouns because by definition NONE of them are right. Maybe eventually I will change to different ones, but the thing is I’M THE ONE WHO GETS TO DECIDE THAT! Woweeee.

This was the first time I had ever come out as something that fit my body, and it was so liberating.

I wrote the poems "seafoam ode to my performed gender" and "seascape as cloud on the horizon" while I was somewhere off the coast of New Zealand, examining myself and studying poetry every chance I got. Admittedly, working as a marine engineer on research ship and grappling with my sexuality and gender identity was very difficult, but finding the words to describe my body was a pivotal moment in my life. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Writing these poems about my identity without directly stating "ASEXUAL" or "AGENDER" was undeniably powerful. Looking over the side of the ship, recognizing myself in the ways the ocean moved, and allowing those metaphors to be enough changed my life one morning at a time.

It's pride, which we all have mixed feelings about. I'm using this as an opportunity to remember how it felt to realize myself. I invite you to do the same!

seascape as cloud on the horizon

That thin dark line,

believe it. The sense

of being here, but not being

a part of or apart from:

*

a cloud looming. I stand

& watch as if

I am even here enough to stand

and not

*

incisor left behind a sewn mouth,

top lip bottom lip red, tight pressed

boundary that only exists inside

the edge it is.

*

I find myself expecting language

to resolve between my mouth

& teeth. Decide,

my body.

*

Entrain me, crystals bloomed

between the molecules

of water and inside

the air.

*

I expect the poem to carve

myself a stone

resolve, reset

condense but

*

I am only a loving gap.

I am only filled

by light.

*

This poem is only the lips

pressed shut of the horizon,

& I am its breath.

*

Kiss us, but remember

we can belong to you, or anyone.

**Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed, please leave a heart or a tip below! There are more sea diaries, sea poems, and sea letters on my profile if you enjoyed this! :P :]