On Healing my Sexuality

Last month we experienced a Full Moon Eclipse in Sagittarius and this astrological energy surfaced a lot of shadows asking to be acknowledged, mourned, released, and healed. The astrology impacts us in unique ways based on where the astrological events happen in our birth charts. That eclipse took place in my 8th house of sexuality and occult shit and the last time an eclipse happened in this area of my chart was 2010-2012. So the astrology asked me to reflect on prominent themes in my life at that time. And at that point in my journey I was finishing up my first year of college and I was beginning to explore my (partnered) sexuality.

I realized I’d been unconsciously engaging in an ego-based sexuality for the past 10+ years. I was not connected to my intuition or spirit and operated from a judgmental/head place - and my decisions to have sex were based on what my ego desired to make me feel better. I didn’t know how to listen to/ignored the signals my body sent me. I constantly engaged in self-sabotage just to say/know I had sex. My ego loved that rush whenever somebody “hot” pursued me and wanted to fuck me. Whoever chose to have sex with me and deemed me worthy enough to fuck fed my ego - but after the fact, I felt this aching void within. Back then I didn’t understand this void and couldn’t articulate its sensations but now I recognize it was a neglected/wounded spirit. And even the long-term partners I dated - I now realize their sexualities were ego-based and their egos desired me and my body.

Looking back, I see all the times and “subtle” signals my body gave me that said, “No, don’t have sex with that person” - but my ego - socialized in a sex-wounded and sex-obsessed society - was desperate to feel worthiness from my sexuality. And it hurts to think how many times my ego betrayed my body - I need to mourn that and ask my body for forgiveness and give myself compassion. My spirit was trying to communicate with me through my body signals and I didn’t know/recognize that language. No one in my family ever learned that language and so of course no one knew how to talk about bodily intuition and their sexualities.

Everyone has sexuality-based wounds that are generational/ancestral wounds too. Sex is such a powerful, delicious, magical, sacred, mind/spirit blowing experience and as spirits incarnated into human bodies it’s our birthright to experience that. It’s our birthright to heal our wounded ego-based sexualities. I can’t imagine how many generations of folks in my lineage were denied this birthright. The institutions of religion purposefully colonized my ancestors aka severed their spirits from their bodies and turned sex into a tool of oppression and solely a means to procreate. My ancestors experienced so much sexual trauma and harm that they forgot and disconnected from sex as this magical, alchemical, spirit-enhancing experience. So many ancestors weren’t taught how to listen to their bodies - or more like their bodies were violated and thus the ancestral wound of ignoring your body/spirit’s signals to please others originated. This shit is deep in our cells because that wounded energy seeps into us as we gestate in the womb.

I remember when I was like 14 my dad tried to start the sex talk with me by saying, “El sexo es algo muy bonito, pero…” and I cut him off saying, “Eww I don’t want to have this conversation with you!” I had witnessed his wounded, ego-based sexuality - he engaged in unethical sex with many women behind my mother’s back. I now understand that he used sex to cope, escape, and distract. A lot of times our desire for sex comes from a place of lack, deep hurt, and longing as opposed to from a healthy, place of full body, mind, and spirit alignment.

The beginning of my queer journey had me questioning my queerness because I just didn’t enjoy having sex for sex’s sake. I craved a spiritual, soulful connection with my sexual partner(s) and was open to experiencing that with whatever body was emotionally and spiritually aligned with me. I doubted my queerness for a long time because I couldn’t find queer folks spiritually aligned with my sexuality. I soon learned that the queer community was also plagued with wounded, ego-based sexualities. And when I eventually found queer sexual partners I realized that I was operating from a wounded, ego-based sexuality myself. Ohh, the lengths our ego will go to deny our own body’s signals - just to feel (sexually) validated.

The more I contemplated and explored my sexuality I realized the term demisexual most accurately describes how I experience my sexuality. I do not enjoy/cannot engage sexually with anyone unless there’s a deep, authentic, spiritual and soulful connection - and Spirit is asking me to honor that need fiercely. Though my ego still flares up and desires others and wants to be desired by others who may not be spiritually aligned with my sexuality. A bitch just wants to fuck sometimes, damn. Ohh, the complexities of being a healing, wounded, spirit having a deeply human/bodily experience.

And even as I reflect on sexual wounds and trauma, I feel nauseous like I need to throw up. Throw up all that shame, anger, grief, self-betrayal, violation, ego. And to throw up would be healthy - it’s the body’s self-healing mechanism. Oooh, but there’s a resistance - I’d rather sob for days than throw up - throwing up is NOT fun, to say the least. Healing sexual trauma is hard-ass work. Those shadows need to be purged from our bodies in order to make space for a more integrated and aligned body, mind, spiritual experience.

Our bodies need to purge, rest, and heal. Our minds need to speak and release our painful truths and then be rewired. And our hearts need to weep, wail, be heard, be held, be loved, and rest.