My Journey to Pride

I was 16.

I found out a friend’s secret,

Long before she told me herself

I thought I should have been disappointed or disgusted,

But I was drawn to her instead

I kept her secret for months

But I was the last person she told

She wouldn’t even tell me herself

Because she didn’t know I knew

And she was afraid of my

Hate the sin, love the sinner outlook

On something she couldn’t control

But we grew closer by the day

And I met another girl whose presence flustered me

Who made my heart flutter when she remembered my name

I thought I wanted to be her friend

But I know better now

I was 16.

I was 17.

The summer was perfect, hanging out with my best friend

Being the only one who respected and kept her secrets

And I didn’t think anything of it when I was giddy in her presence

Or grew jealous when she didn’t include me

But then I started to realize when she started liking someone new

That my feelings weren’t all platonic

I didn’t admit it to myself until she asked me then rejected me gently

But I still cried myself to sleep with my heartbreak and confusion

Only five feet away from the parents I was too ashamed and afraid to tell

Even Disney couldn’t make me feel better

I felt more alone than I ever had

Then I met another girl who gave me attention and liked to make me blush

But then she broke my heart too because there was nothing between us,

Even when I thought there was

Then I broke down and told a friend

Who didn’t look at me like I was disgusting

Because she loved me anyway

I was 17.

I was 18.

I went off to college, excited to be the new me

I met a girl who knocked me off balance

She teased me and loved me and made me feel seen

But I met a boy who was awful and made me feel worthless

I chose him anyway because I couldn’t like girls

But then I stayed at her place and she held me when I cried

As she drove me to the library, she told me she was going to kiss me

And when we got there, she did

I was giddy and confused and shocked

I kissed a girl

Then I broke up with the boy and a little while later met a man

Who ended up being the love of my life

He asked me to be his, and my heart said yes

He knew I liked girls sometimes but didn’t mind it

Yet I still shoved away the attractions and thoughts

I ignored the butterflies when the older girl in my sorority looked my way

I had to be straight because I was in love with a man

There was no other option

I was 18.

I was 19.

I moved to Disney to make magic

And for the first time, I was surrounded by people who were different

I didn’t allow myself to be open though because I thought it was wrong

Even though my heart smiled at the freedom and love I saw

I still punished myself anytime I thought someone was attractive

Even though my boyfriend never made me feel like I should

Instead he loved me through the insecurities that ruled my life

But I still never told him of my shame that covered everything

I was afraid he would leave me, but he didn’t

I met my best friend that fall, working long shifts and missing home

She became my family, and thank God she still is

Then I came home and everything was normal

I’d made it to a year-long relationship for the first time

And I was straight, right?

It was easier to ignore the thoughts now, because if I didn’t

I was sinning

I was still the golden girl that my family was proud of

As long as I fit their standards and did what was expected

Just shove the secrets down, no one should see them

I was 19.

I was 20.

I slowly started loving myself, little by little

I made it into another decade of my life

And made it to two years with him

I met a professor who challenged my thinking in ways I had never experienced

I toyed around with the idea of being bisexual

Because I didn’t think it was wrong for other people

But it was still wrong for me

I was straight because I was in love with a man

Every woman wants to kiss other women, right?

Then I had a dream about a woman

I was so confused

But I told him, and he was accepting

I went back to Disney, with an open mind this time

And told a roommate that I liked girls sometimes

Then she told me we were alike in that way

And I felt relief that someone who barely knew me accepted me

Without a single question

I wondered if maybe it was okay that I liked girls

But I was still straight because I was terrified at the prospect

Of accepting the source of my shame

I was 20.

I was 21.

I celebrated my birthday in my favorite place in the world

I met a girl at work who made me nervous

She held my hand in the parking lot, and teased me

I could barely talk to her because she was so beautiful

I realized maybe I wasn’t so straight after all…

An old friend came out to me over dinner, and I blurted out “me too” without a thought

I stammered and took it back, making it clear that I was straight, just attracted to women

But I got back to my apartment and told my roommate everything

They just told me i don’t have to label, but it sounded like i was bi

So I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror

I am bisexual

I texted my love

And he accepted me without question

I remember the fear and hope in my chest when I told people, slowly at first

I thought I’d be rejected, but was pleasantly surprised

I got a high five, a bag of rainbow MnMs, a hug

While I didn’t come out publicly, the important people knew

People were proud of me

People supported me

I was bisexual

And I could breathe

I was 21.

I was 22.

My parents know now

That didn’t go well at all

Where did they go wrong?

Don’t tell the rest of the family

It could ruin your fairytale

It hurt when she would barely talk to me for a week

But my love never left my side, supporting me all the way

I quietly celebrated pride

Then came out to my friends on Twitter

My Taylor Swift year was good

With my friends supporting me through it all

And becoming the family I needed

We nearly broke up, but didn’t because we realized

We never wanted to be without each other

I took pictures with rainbows and pride flags

And loved myself even more

I read books with characters who were like me

And who were accepted

The pandemic started and I was left alone with my thoughts

But I got my dog, who loves me at my worst

And moved in with him, for better or worse

I felt loved

I was 22.

I was 23.

I had a mental break that set me back in my self-love

But he loved me through it

I learned that I didn’t have to live in fear

Because God doesn’t want that for me

Why would He?

Then my love proposed to me at my favorite place

And I said yes, of course

Wedding planning filled my days and my dreams

We made mistakes and learned more about ourselves and our relationship

We got another dog to make our little family complete for now

My parents either ignored my identity or seemed more supportive

Until I received a text that shattered my self-worth

I hated myself again

And I hated that fact even more

But the election went the way I hoped it would

And I was finally vocal about my opinions and values

I lived unapologetically even when others hated me

I supported my friends

Who came out to me, trusting me with a part of themselves

They hadn’t yet let many others see

And I was thankful

Because I was full of joy, and love and freedom

And I knew others could see it

I was 23.

I was 24.

I was more me than I’d ever been

But assumptions and questions kept coming

I came out on Instagram then because I was ready to be open

And I was ready to answer their questions

I was tired of being ashamed, so I stepped into the light

I married my love, and it was perfect

Calling him my husband still fills me with butterflies like it did

The day we were pronounced man and wife

But let me make something clear

I am still bisexual

I am still valid

Just because my person is a man, I am not any less queer

I lived out loud and made mistakes

My heart broke when someone I trusted became

The person who shamed me for what she once supported

I cried and mourned

But I rose from the ashes, stronger than before

Therapy helped me learn and grow

It helped me step out of the shame that covered every area of my life

My relationships became healthier

I was reminded that I was born this way, and that I didn’t need to hide

Even if I was called a prodigal daughter

I was living in truth and freedom

And that is what mattered

I was 24.

I am 25.

A new year has started for me

And I can’t wait

To see what it holds

It is unknown

But I will step into it

I will continue to live in the light

Because I am tired of hiding in the dark

I do not owe any explanations

Just because I don’t make sense to others

I will love harder

I will love out loud

I will not back down

I will not buckle to people who have enough shame for both of us

Because I am not a person to be ashamed of

The parts of my identity do not have to be mutually exclusive

I am a Christian

I am a woman to be proud of

I am the support when your family tears you down

I am the hand you can hold to remind you that you’re safe here

I am clever

I am bold

I am kind

I am a wife

I am bisexual

I am unapologetically me

I am 25.