My Experience Coming Out

All the things she said - t.A.T.u.

In sixth grade I met a girl that set my heart on fire. We were friends, then best friends, then her words never left my head. I was confused and I felt things that weren't in line with what I thought my values were. I stayed up all night wondering what to do. In true sixth grade fashion, I wrote a note. Half of it was pure apology because I had no clue how she'd react. The other had my feelings written more deeply than I could have said out loud. All I could do when I handed it to her was beg that she read it later and not to respond if she didn't feel the same.

She Keeps Me Warm - Mary Lambert

When I received her note back, the first words were "OMG, Yes!" At 30 years old, I still remember that sixth grade note. I remember spending every second together. We were inseparable but also not able to be open about who we were due to growing up in a small town in Texas. Nobody would have understood what we did. Nobody would have accepted that we were trying to work through feelings in middle school that we couldn't open up to anyone else about. But she kept me warm, and she was mine.

The Scientist – Coldplay

Like all sixth grade relationships, it was bound to come to an end. Right around that time, Coldplay released their album, A Rush of Blood to the Head. It was too perfect to be true; the literal breakup album. I cried to this album more than I care to admit. But feeling so strongly about the split in some way validated that I knew that relationship was not an anomaly. I was attracted to females, and I accepted myself more than ever.

Common Reactor – Silversun Pickups

After years of dating men and women, I went on a first date with Colin. He was nerdy, sweet, and so very awkward. We met at a party when I was 17 but I was too worried about stupid things to notice him. Then when I did, he took my breath away. He was everything I wanted (nerdy, sweet, mega awkward). He took me to a park with a wooden castle and had roses waiting at the top. When I picked them up, he kissed me. It was terrible. The guy tried though and it was so cute. We stayed until we were locked in and had to flip/climb empty trash cans to get over the gigantic locked fence. When he cranked his radio on, Common Reactor by Silversun Pickups was playing. It's been "our song" since.

Celebration – K.o.o.l. and The Gang

I moved in with him after our second date. Things were going great for a little while. Then he said we "needed to talk." I was fully prepared to pack my things and go, knowing I was getting dumped. He looked so serious, and for some reason ashamed. He went on to explain he understood if I was going to leave, but that he wanted to be fully honest with me. Colin had been terrified to tell me he was bisexual. He cried when I told him I was too. We celebrated being in a relationship where we could be completely honest with each other, and we went on to get married and have a daughter.

Pieces – Rob Thomas

After several years of marriage and having an almost two year old daughter, I fell into a deep depression. Our family wasn't happy. I had something wrong with myself and I knew what it was. I loved Colin, but I had stronger feelings in my heart that I was losing my attraction to men. It didn't make sense and it hurt because he didn't deserve that. He deserved a fully open and honest way to communicate. I just didn't have it in me.

everything i wanted – Billie Eilish

I knew I had to come clean. I couldn't keep the feelings inside anymore, but I was scared. What if nobody accepted me? What if Colin left? I didn't understand, but I wanted him to stay and it felt so selfish. So I gathered the little courage I had, and I decided to take baby steps. I'd tell my mom first. Again, I grew up in a small town in Texas. I had no idea how she'd react.

We Were Free - 76th Street

I was so incredibly surprised at her reaction. She didn't know, but she also didn't act like she was ignorant of it. It was like she had known all along. She didn't treat me any differently. She didn't make a big deal of it or make me decide my future right then and there. She was just there for me, which is the best thing I could ask for.

I’m Coming Out – Diana Ross

I didn't have all of the answers. I didn't know what I wanted, or what I wanted for Colin as far as our marriage. I didn't know what to do with our mortgage or our car, I didn't know what the world would say, but it had to happen. I was coming out.

What a Man – Salt-N-Pepa/En Vogue

Colin was so incredibly understanding. We loved each other. We had been together for eleven years at that point. Our daughter was five (and as of right now still is). He told me he supported me for who I am, no matter what that meant. He'd be there for me, he'd give me time, he'd do whatever he could to make our family as happy as possible.

You’re my Best Friend – Queen

We don't know what the future will bring. We don't know where we go from here. It's been five months since I came out. There are so many decisions to be made, but I know that I'm happy and I love my family. It feels incredible to have people on my side. I love my husband in that I have a forever best friend. Maybe we need to normalize marriages with life partners and let go of the picket fence wishes. Life evolves. Love evolves. Luckily, there's a song for everything that gets thrown our way.