Love Me Not

Love Me Not

Sebastian is in love with his best friend Leo. It’s obvious, really, from the very beginning of their friendship. They both have a tendency to be stubborn and always try to prove each other wrong, but deep down Sebastian knows that he doesn’t have to prove anything.

Leo has made him feel so happy since the first day they met. There is no doubt in his mind that Leo would still make his life better if he were to die tomorrow.

When Sebastian was little, he used to wonder what it would be like to be born in one of those fairy tales. He thought it would be wonderful to live forever on an island where all humans lived happily ever after. That would have been perfect for him, wouldn't it? It would be so much easier to just let go than fight against the world, right? He'd never even consider going back home. Even if the ocean got too cold at night or his toes started to freeze, he didn't care. If his mother told him to, then he'd stay out there forever. But, no matter how hard he tried not to think about the future, it kept invading every corner of his thoughts.

He thinks of what it must be like to grow up in a place where everything was as perfect as the stories. Where everyone loved you and cared about you more than anyone else, and nothing could ever hurt you again. Sebastian can hardly wait to see it someday, and hopes dearly that he'll get the chance to see it before he dies.

But, now he isn't sure what it means when he's thinking these things. Is it possible to love someone who wasn't real to begin with, but still feel so strongly about them? What would happen to him if he did die tomorrow and went to heaven? Would he be able to watch over Leo, just as he promised to do? Or would they forget about him and move on without him? Would he find himself in heaven, just like the stories had said? Could he ever come back here again? Would Leo miss him? Or would he meet some new friends while he was gone? What was it like being dead? How did the afterlife differ from the living one? Did you just sleep, or would you wake up somewhere different? Did it mean the same as death, or something completely different?

These questions are driving him insane. He wants to talk to Leo about them, but he's afraid he won't understand, and that Leo will think he's insane. And maybe he is, because how could someone who never grew up in a family know what it was like to live a normal life? To go to school, to get good grades, to have friends…

Even if Leo didn't believe any of those things, he'l probably agree that Sebastian should've grown up differently, but it wouldn't change anything. Sebastian would still love him, even if Leo couldn't understand why Sebastian was in love with him.

It's not fair, honestly. Why does life have to be this way? Why can't Sebastian have a normal life, just like everybody else? A boring life of working long hours in a factory, getting up in the morning to go to work, sleeping until noon, eating dinner, watching television, and falling asleep again until dinner time? Sebastian knows he shouldn't complain, especially since life is good enough as it is. But he just feels so tired, sometimes.

Life just feels so empty, sometimes. Like there are just holes in his chest.

Like there are just big chunks missing in his heart.

Sometimes he wonders if maybe he's a ghost, floating through the halls of his own house, looking at his friends, wondering what they're doing, if they're having fun, what they eat, if they cry. He's not sure if he'd be welcome there, in Heaven. The last thing he wants to do is intrude upon people's lives that don't want his presence there. And he knows Leo's happy. So is everyone else. But Sebastian just… wishes that someone might care enough about him to wish he'd be allowed to stay. Someone to hold his hand and tell him everything will be alright. To kiss him on the cheek whenever he gets upset.

It sounds nice. Really nice. It makes him hope that he might be able to live forever.

It's only been a few days. Just a few measly, insignificant weeks. But he's already missed so many things. It hurts just knowing that he'll probably never get to experience all of these things again. He misses seeing his friends smile at him. He misses laughing at the jokes he made. He misses sneaking off to the park to hang out with Mikey, Raph, and Ben. He misses watching movies with them. He misses making music together with his mom and dad.

If it weren't for Mikey, he knows he'd probably still be wandering around the streets alone, hoping to bump into someone who would listen to him play his guitar.

And it hurts even more to know that if Mikey hadn't found him and dragged him home, he wouldn't be sitting by the TV watching cartoons with him and his parents. He wouldn't be talking to him and making him laugh and teasing him. He wouldn't be listening to him ramble on about whatever stupid thing popped into his head.

And now, he'll never hear him speak again. No one will ever teach him how to sing and dance. No one will ever listen to him play his guitar again. No one will ever listen to him say anything about art.

No one will ever listen to him talk to him.

No one will ever kiss him on the cheek when they're together, saying "I love you."

No one will ever say the words that he so desperately needs to hear.

The thought hurts more than he could have ever imagined it would, knowing that there may be no one ever saying those words to him again. The fact that he may never get to share them with someone else. That he may never get to tell someone that he loves them. That he may never get to see them cry.

Or worse, he may never be able to get to kiss them on the lips again.

He knows that the only reason he's alive now is because Mikey brought him back to life somehow. Mikey brought him back to his body and gave it a purpose. Without him, Mikey wouldn't be happy. Without him, Mikey wouldn't be able to smile or laugh or play basketball with him anymore. Without him, he would probably spend all of eternity alone.

He knows that he owes Mikey everything. More than he can ever repay.

Mikey has given him hope. Hope that one day, he might get to live forever like everyone else does. Maybe Mikey will let him stay. Maybe Mikey will bring him along one day too.

Maybe someday, Mikey will fall in love with him too.

But maybe he will never get to see it. Maybe Mikey will marry a pretty girl instead of him. Maybe, maybe someday Mikey won't even need him anymore. Maybe, maybe someday…

One day, maybe, he'll die and Mikey will move on. He'll leave him behind and forget him forever. Because that's what happens to ghosts. That's what happens to all of them. They disappear, they die, they become invisible. They aren't remembered once they're dead. They don't even get to see their friends and loved ones again. Because they are forgotten, and eventually they disappear. That's what happens.

Because they're ghosts. That's what happens to all of them. All of them end up in Heaven, or wherever it is you go, and then they spend eternity waiting for somebody to remember them, but nobody ever will. Nobody remembers them after they're gone. No one notices them until they start to fade away, but that's what happens.

That's what happens to all of us, Sebastian thought to himself as he stared into the abyss of space in front of him, watching Leo and Vince playing video games.

We' ll be forgotten soon.

Sebastian stared down at the ground. He wasn’t exactly sure how long he’d been standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at the ground, but it felt like an eternity. He knew that it was wrong to stare down at the ground, but he couldn’t help it. There were so many other ways to look at the floor. Ways that weren’t just staring at the concrete, though. Ways that weren’t staring at nothing. Ways that didn’t hurt so bad. Ways that weren’t sad. Ways that didn’t make him feel like a failure.

It doesn’t matter how many times he tells himself that, however, he just can’t seem to stop. Every second without Mikey is torture, and he hates himself for wishing so hard for him to just show up. To just walk right up to Sebastian and take him in his arms and say ‘I love you’ like it’s easy. Like he can do it, because it’s not weird for him to do it. Like he doesn’t even care. Like he doesn’t realize that it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Ways that he doesn’t see how much it means to Sebastian, how much it really matters. Ways that he just wishes… just wishes he had said that to him earlier. Ways that he just wishes Mikey would just love him back. Ways that he just wishes he had never left. Ways that he wishes he had never met anyone at all, or even been born in the first place. Ways that he wishes he had never existed. Ways that he wishes the worst possible things about himself. Ways that he wishes he’d died, and not been reborn. Ways that he wishes that Mikey would just forget him, or be able to find someone else who actually loved him. Ways that he wishes he didn’t exist at all. Ways that he wishes he never existed. Ways that he hopes no one ever sees. Ways that are so deep and dark and dark that they are almost black. Ways that scare him. Ways that scare him a lot.

But none of those words ever come out. None of them are uttered. They sit in the very bottom of Sebastian’s stomach, growing bigger and bigger every single day, until they threaten to burst inside of him, spilling out onto the floor and spilling over onto the carpet. He just stares at it all, eyes wide and glassy, watching as all of those feelings swirl within his mind, threatening to overtake him. All of the emotions swirling about in his head. His eyes burning and stinging from crying and being cried at. Tears dripping down his face, falling down onto the cement beneath him. He feels broken. He feels lonely. He feels empty. He feels numb.

And the worst part? The absolute worst part of it all? The feeling that he’ll never get to feel any of it again? That’s not even the worst part. Not even close.

It’s the way he feels when he thinks about his parents. When he thinks about Mikey and Ben. Whenever he thinks about them, he starts to feel sick. He starts to feel dizzy and nauseous. He starts to feel scared. He feels like everything is going to crash down around him. It scares him. He’s terrified of losing them. He’s afraid of never getting to see them again. Of never being able to see their smiles again. Of never being able to hug them or kiss them again. Of never being able to hear them ever say “I love you.” Or “I miss you.” Or “please tell me you’re okay” or “can I call you” or “I’m sorry. Please forgive me” or “please don’t leave me.”

His breathing quickens, and he clutches onto his shirt. His fingers dig painfully into the fabric. He digs and digs and digs, until finally, he pulls it off, and throws it against the wall, where it shatters. Then, he lets himself collapse to the ground in a ball on the floor, shaking from both anger and sadness and fear and sadness and fear and pain and loss and despair.

He lets tears flow freely down his cheeks, silently begging for Mikey to come back and save him. For Mikey to come back and pull him up from the cold, hard floor and wrap him up in his arms and hold him tight. For Mikey to pull the tears away from his eyes and wipe his face clean, before pressing soft kisses onto each tear drop stained cheek. And he begs for Mikey to come back because he isn’t strong enough to handle this without him.

Without him, he can’t handle this. He just wants his best friend back. He wants Mikey back, even if it kills him. Even if he gets thrown out of Heaven. Even if he spends forever stuck in Hell and never gets to see Mikey again. He just wants him back.

He wants Mikey back, and he wants him safe. He wants Mikey back, and he wants Mikey to love him just like he promised, but he doesn’t know how he could possibly survive this life if Mikey doesn’t. If Mikey leaves him here alone.

He’s so confused. He’s so upset. So angry and upset and terrified of something he doesn’t understand. He just wants his best friend back. He just wants Mikey to love him. But he’s so lost. He’s so scared. He’s so confused. He just wants to go home. Home where everything makes sense. Where everything is clear and simple. Where things aren’t dark and full of holes and shadows and death. Where everything is nice and bright and warm and he never has to go through anything like this again. Where he never has to worry about what Mikey thinks of him or whether he likes him anymore. Home. Back where he was never wanted. Home where everyone made fun of his hair and clothes. He wants to go home.

He wants Mikey to take him home.

And the fact that he wants Mikey to want him, the fact that Mikey wants to be his friend, to talk to him again, makes him feel like there’s something truly fucked up inside of him. Like he’s completely insane. Like he’s crazy.

He wants to cry. Wants to scream. Wants to break down. Wants to throw up. Wants to run far away from his life, from this nightmare, from himself. But he can’t. He knows that there’s nowhere to go to. Nothing to do. Nothing to distract him, except…

Except what?

What?

Where? Where could he go? He doesn’t have anywhere to go. He doesn’t know anybody there. He doesn’t know anybody on Earth. Nobody.

Unless…

Until today, he hasn’t even known what the word meant. Only that it used to mean something good, and now it’s meaningless to him. Something that should’ve been a good thing. Someone who loved him. Someone who cared about him. Someone that loved him back.

Mikey.

The only person on Earth who loves him, and he can’t even tell him how he feels. Can’t say those three little words, the ones he’s always told him. That he loves him. That he wants him back. That he wants Mikey back.

Because there’s a big difference between loving someone and wanting someone to stay with you. There’s a big difference between loving someone and wanting somebody to be your friend. There’s a big difference between loving someone and wanting him back. There’s a big difference between wanting someone to stay with you and being alone. A big difference between loving someone and being abandoned by them. Mikey would have stayed with him, he knew it, in his heart. Because he loves him. That’s why he ran. Why he disappeared. Why he hurt.

That’s why he hurts.

Sebastian shakes his head violently. No. No, he can’t do that to himself. He can’t do it. He can’t think about it. Can’t imagine Mikey leaving him like he’d done. Can’t even imagine Mikey hurting him. Can’t even imagine Mikey doing something like that. Can’t even picture that kind of a possibility. Just thinking about it hurts too much.

But there’s another option. One that doesn’t involve Mikey, but one that does involve him, and it just might be the best idea he’s ever had. Maybe the best idea any of them have had, even if they won’t admit it.

If he goes back to Hell. If he goes back there and tries once more to see his parents again. Willingly, and willingly, then maybe, just maybe he might be able to start to forget the pain he is currently feeling. To stop worrying and stressing and hating himself. To get rid of the thoughts that constantly plague his mind, telling him that he’s horrible and disgusting and unlovable and worthless.

Maybe he can finally stop torturing himself with all of these horrible and upsetting memories. Maybe he can let go.

Maybe he can let go and start living his life again. Maybe he can finally be happy again. It’s an idea that could make everything better. It’s an idea that might allow him to move forward and finally start making a change and starting to heal from everything he’s been through. He thinks it could give him new hope. It could make him happier. It could make him stronger than ever before. It could help him to start forgetting all of these painful memories.

And he knows that if he goes back into Hell, that he’ll probably get tortured again for sure. It’s not worth risking Mikey’s safety and happiness for his own comfort. But if he’s allowed to try, just this once, just this last time, then maybe he’ll be able to forget everything else he’s been going through. Maybe it will help him forget all of the bad. Maybe it will help him get over the bad memories. Maybe it will help him to heal from the bad ones. Maybe it will help him to find some peace.

Afterall, it’s the thought that counts. The thought that matters the most. The thought that keeps people going.

So, Sebastian sits there in the middle of his living room. He sits there and stares at nothing and thinks. He thinks, and he thinks, and he thinks. Until finally, he gets up from the floor and walks over to the front door. He opens it, and steps outside. He stands there in the doorway as he watches the world pass by. The cars drive past him, the people walk by, the buildings move by, the trees fly by. Everything moves, and yet, he still feels nothing. As if nothing were moving at all. As if everything that’s happened in the past few days hadn’t even happened at all.

As if nothing had actually changed.

September 1st, 2017

10:30 am

Chicago Illinois State University, Chicago Illinois

When Mikey wakes up, he doesn’t remember anything that happened the previous night. He remembers the accident and the car crash. He remembers the paramedics arriving and taking him inside. He remembers the paramedic’s voice saying that everything was okay, and that they had brought him to the hospital, but he doesn’t remember anything else after that. He doesn’t remember anything about the trip to the hospital or the doctor coming to examine him. All he remembers is waking up in the hospital bed. And then nothing at all. He remembers the paramedic’s talking to him. And then nothing after that either.

All Mikey can remember is the accident. The car crash. The ambulance ride. And everything else after that. He doesn’t remember the ride back to his house, or the ride back to school. He doesn’t remember walking inside his house again. Doesn’t remember changing out of his clothes and into pajamas, falling asleep in his bed, or waking up the next morning. He doesn’t remember his mother hugging him tightly when she found out he was alright. Doesn’t remember her asking him questions, trying to figure out what had happened to him. He doesn’t remember crying into his pillow while she hugged him close. Doesn’t remember sleeping until late afternoon. Doesn’t remember eating dinner. Doesn’t remember getting into bed. Doesn’t remember turning off his lights. Don’t remember the dream he had. Don’t remember falling asleep. Don’t remember waking up again the next day. Don’t remember going to school. Don’t remember sitting in class with a teacher. Don’t remember lunch. Don’t remember sitting with his friends. Don’t remember going home. Don’t remember his mom picking him up. Don’t remember calling home. Don’t remember hanging up.

Don’t remember anything.

There’s no sign of a bruise on his face, no marks on his arms, no broken glasses, no bruises on his body. Nothing. He doesn’t remember anything. He doesn’t remember walking out of the ER room. He doesn’t remember getting back home. He doesn’t remember falling asleep in his bed again.

Nothing.

Everything he’s said to Mikey before, everything he’s done, and he didn’t even realize. He didn’t notice that he had been hurt. He didn’t notice his arm was broken. He didn’t even notice he was bleeding. All he noticed was that he wanted Mikey back.

And all Mikey remembered was that he had left.

He must have forgotten it. Must have completely forgotten that he had left. Mikey couldn’t have imagined he would leave him. Couldn’t have even imagined such a thing. Mikey wouldn’t have wanted to leave him. Wouldn’t have wanted to go away like that. Would never want to leave him. Not ever. Not ever. Not if it means he has to go back into Hell. Mikey would never do that. Never. Ever.

Not ever.

And yet, Mikey didn’t come back. Mikey isn’t anywhere. His parents don’t know where he is. He’s gone. Completely vanished. Completely forgotten. Forgotten.

All Mikey can remember.

All Mikey can think of.

Is that Mikey hates him. Hates him so much that he would rather not even be near him. That’s all he can think of. That Mikey would rather not even be near him. He hates him. So much. So much.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Mikey would hate him. Hate him so much that he’d prefer not to even be near him. Because Mikey couldn’t stand the fact that he hated him. That Mikey loved him so much that it was driving him crazy. Mikey would hate him so much that he would prefer not to even be near him.

The thought makes him feel sick, but he thinks it’s probably the only way to deal with this. He thinks it’s the only way he’s going to be able to cope with whatever terrible and terrifying nightmare awaits him. And he thinks it’s the only way to help him move on from this.

So, without really knowing exactly what he’s doing, he opens the door and walks down the hallway to the bathroom. There’s something he needs to get right now. Something he needs to take care of immediately. Something he needs to finish before Mikey gets up. Before he decides to show up. Before he shows up. Before he shows up…

Mikey won’t be here when he gets out. Mikey’s not coming back.

So he turns on the light and grabs one of his pills. One of those pills that he took before every single surgery. After every single treatment. One of those pills that he’d taken before every single operation since birth. Those pills that were the first thing he took when he woke up. These pills, and then others that were the second thing. This pill, and then another. This pill, and then the other, and then another.

These pills, and then other ones. They are the first things that will save him. These pills will cure him. These pills will make him happy. These pills will make him well. These pills will heal him. These pills will make him good.

This medicine will fix everything.

This medicine will make him strong.

This medicine will make him whole.

This medicine will make him safe.

That’s how he wants it.

That’s how he wants it.

That’s how it should always be.

So, he takes it.

And then, he puts it in the toilet bowl.

And then, he rinses it down with water.

And then, he empties the sink.

And then, he throws it out.

And then, he looks in the mirror.

And then, he smiles.

“Goodbye, Mikey,” he says, softly. “I love you so much. You’re my best friend. I promise I’m going to be better. He smiles. He closes the faucet. He reaches over the counter, grabs the toothbrush and toothpaste, and starts brushing his teeth. After he finishes, he goes and dries his mouth with a paper towel. He looks himself over in the mirror one last time, just to check himself over and make sure everything is okay. Then, he turns around and heads for his bedroom, where he changes into the clothes he had laid out for himself earlier. Once he’s dressed, he sits down on the edge of his bed and waits for his brother to get ready.

After a moment or two passes, he hears the bathroom door open behind him. A minute later, his brother appears in the doorway wearing his blue and red striped shirt. He has his black skinny jeans on. And he has on a pair of white converse. He grabs the toothbrush off the nightstand beside his bed and starts brushing his teeth. Once he’s done, he rinses it in the sink and sticks it in his pocket. Next, he grabs his backpack. He pulls it onto his shoulders, then he turns and walks towards Mikey.

“You hungry?” he asks.

“A little bit,” Mikey responds, quietly. His brother nods his head as he continues looking into Mikey’