It's Okay to be a lil Gay

This is the story of how I found myself. I never really accepted myself until now, and even with as far as I have come, there is still so much I need to fix. That's besides the point though. This is my story of how I came out, how I found out who I was inside, and learned that it's okay for me to be Bisexual. Please enjoy, and I hope it inspires others to look inside, and find themselves too! First, I'd like to share a poem I wrote, called Darkest Grey. It's about the struggle of being stuck, and not being able to move forward. I hope it hits home, and gives you the strength to move forward, and push out of the place you're stuck. (I will change or shorten names of [people for privacy)

Darkest Grey:

Why is it down so low?

Why does the light barley shine?

Where does it go, if not here?

Where else could be more deserving?

Here, in the Darkest Grey,

Where names no longer exist,

Faces are blurred,

No one's story is remembered.

Lives are forgotten,

Voices are speechless.

Eyes glazed over,

Ears full of dust.

Age becomes meaningless.

Here, there is no time.

No errands to run,

No one to visit.

Days and night no longer appear.

Simply dark and light together.

This in-between place,

No one leaves.

Lives forgotten: Nothing worth remembering.

Voices speechless: Nothing left to say.

Eyes glazed: No one left to see.

Ears dusty: Nothing to hear.

It might sound like Hell,

Maybe to a few Heaven.

Neither Heaven nor Hell,

Just in the middle.

In a place so desolate,

Who could be stuck here?

It's those who were lost,

Had no where to go.

Couldn't find themselves.

If things were to end now,

You were to be done,

Would you move on?

Or be stuck in the Darkest Grey?

I should start at the beginning...right? No, I'll start in the middle, where it all really came to be. I wasn't raised in the church, but I was raised around it. Mom never made me or my sister go to church with the family, but if we wanted to, we could. Growing up in a very religious family is never easy, even if you do believe and agree with what they teach. It's even harder though if you don't agree or feel the same. That's how it was for me: rough as all hell. Mom's half of the family is LDS, and nothing against anyone who believes or follows that, it's just not for me and my life.

At first, I didn't think much of it. I remember going to Sunday school and primary with my great grandparents, and always had a blast! It was fun, but as I got older, I saw and heard more and more that just didn't fit me. I always wanted to fit in with my family, and I love them all dearly. I grew up with a single mom, and when I was 8 my sister came along, and two became three. Having been in the church and around it, it was very hard for me to sit there and listen to how I needed to grow up to be a good wife and mother, I had to have kids, had to provide a welcoming and happy home for a husband(NEVER a wife). It didn't make sense to me. Mom was doing all of that, all on her own. She and my father had been married at one point, but it didn't work out. She could raise both my sister and I with no mana round, so why did I need one?

It wasn't until 12-13 years old I really started to stray from the church and the more religious family. I didn't agree that I had to have a husband and be a good obedient wife (sorry if others reading this don't see it that way, that's just my view and how I feel about the Church). I hadn't really had crushes or even thought about that stuff. Until I met M. We met in 7th grade, and oof...I fell instantly. but it wasn't until years later I realized i had fallen in love with her. She became my best friend, and I always wanted to make her smile. I didn't know what the feelings were at first, and as we got closer and closer, they just grew stronger and stronger. She became my whole world, I always wanted to hang out, go longboarding together, sleepovers, all of it. It finally hit me I had loved her when she got her first boyfriend out sophomore year of high school. I was so jealous, and always wanted to be there when they hung out. M was everything to me: gorgeous, smart, beautiful, could always make me laugh. She was perfect in my eyes. As my best friend, she was the whole package. She didn't feel that way though.

No, this isn't like other times, where I'd tell her how I felt and she would walk away because she didn't feel the same. No, sadly, this all ended because the duo became a trio. Our Junior year of high school, a new girl moved to town, all the way from down south(I live in the west, Idaho). I knew everyone in town and school, and was always one to welcome knew people, especially those who looked lost. I offered to show her around, and welcomed her into our friend group. I shouldn't have done that....

M was just as nice as me, so she also took in K like she was always there by our side. I could feel the tension slowly make it's way into our little dynamic, and I wish I had caught on sooner. I always told M I loved her as a sister. She felt the same that way, we were family. It had been 10 years of friendship. To me, there was always more under the surface. She was the first one for me, my first girl crush. If I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing though. Life happened how it was supposed to, and that's okay. I got to feel that love, that closeness, and even with it all ending, it was worth it.

I'm sorry, this story is all over the place isn't it? Okay, Okay, I'll start out with how we met. It was 7th grade, and I had tagged along with a friend from school to the play the drama club was putting on. Said friend was in the show, and I just tagged along to be an extra stage hand if needed. It was Alice in Wonderland, and M was playing the Mad Hatter. She was perfect at it. Afterwards, the teacher in charge had taken us all out to the Dairy Queen in town, and we all hung out and celebrated. I was just walking around meeting people, having fun and laughing. As I walk around one of the booths, I see her. M had been sitting by herself slowly picking at some of the fries she had on her tray. No one else was in the booth with her, so I walked over and figured I'd say hi.

"Hey, is anyone sitting here? You look a little lonely."

"Oh, hi. No, no one else is sitting here." I plopped down right next to her, and I think it surprised her. I couldn't believe she was all alone, she was so cute, and had a very soft cute voice. We talked for a few hours, until we were all kicked out because a fellow student had decided it was time to dance on the tables. After that party, I didn't see her at school at all. I thought about her constantly, and was hoping and waiting to run into her. Then I did.

I was walking to my next class, and who do I see? M, walking the same way, just a little farther ahead of me. Me, being the weird child I always was, decided I should go say hi. I took off running, and then tackled her while doing a 'velociraptor' screech. She was taken aback, but when we rolled over and she saw it was me, we broke out laughing so hard we both snorted and couldn't breath. That was it! From that day on, we were glued to the hip, one was never far from the other. It was good, and I felt so happy to have her in my life.

As I said earlier, it didn't hit me just how much I cared for her, or how I cared for her until she got her first boyfriend. M&M. they were a super cute couple, honestly perfect for each other at the time. We were still always hanging out, it just tended to be the three of us now. S and the 2 Ms. The more we all hung out, the more lovey they got, and the more I heard her talk about him, it rubbed me the wrong way. I never wanted to hear the things normal best friends did. How was he at kissing? Did he make you feel happy? How much do you love him? I never wanted to know, never cared to. Eventually it hit me. I loved her. I had never thought of it like that. It hadn't ever once crossed my mind. Then I saw her in the gorgeous black and red homecoming gown. It fit her so perfectly, hugged every curve, showed off every piece of perfectly pale skin. My heart stopped and skipped several beats. I couldn't breath. She came around the side of me, and grabbed my hand as we looked in the mirror at our dresses. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

"We look so pretty! I love these dresses" She squeezed my hand, and then let go to change and buy it. I still couldn't look away. She just looked so perfect in it. "I can't wait to show M, he's going to love it! Won't be able to keep his hands off me!" I hated hearing that. Instantly, I was angry and jealous. I didn't want to think about his hands on her, I wanted it to be my hands. I wanted her to say it would be me, not him. It wasn't fair. All the things I had done for her, everything we had been through together, I wanted it to be me. But it wasn't, and it wouldn't be. I realized I loved her and that I would never have her all at once, and it broke my heart. We left with the dresses, and I went home to cry, and try to cope with all that I had just gone through in a matter of seconds. She didn't know how I felt, and she never could. I knew she didn't feel that way about girls, let alone me. If I said anything, I could lose her as a friend, and I didn't want that. I wanted her to be in my life, no matter how much it hurt me. She needed me as her best friend, and that's what I was going to be.

The next year was so hard, I had learned to keep my feelings for M hidden more, and cope with how I felt about it all. I had boyfriends here and there, and even a girlfriend or two. None of them worked out though, because none of them were M. I had feelings for them, but I just couldn't lie to myself and tell someone else I cared, when I didn't. She was still with M, and they were a pair for a long time. They eventually split after high school like most high school relationships. We didn't remain friends either, as I previously mentioned, K got in the middle. She was jealous of how close me and M were, so she started to say horrible things about me to M, and sadly eventually convinced her to drop me. M left.

I was so destroyed. I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep, and if I saw anything Harley Quin, I sobbed. It was M's favorite character. She had made me feel so special, so happy, without even trying. Then she was gone. I cried for months, and struggled so hard to let go and move on. I didn't feel anything strongly like that for someone again for a long time. I was 13 when we met, and 17 when I figured it all out. Now, at 23 almost 24, it still hurts. I'm very happy with my life and my partner now, but a piece of me will always belong to her. I'll always love her goofy ass smile, the crooked grin. How she would match my crack-head energy at sleepovers. How graceful she was when we would go longboarding, the way she always stayed to dedicated to band and the practices I would go to just to watch her. I miss holding her hand as we walked around school, everyone thinking we were together, and me secretly wishing it was true. She was my first real love, and the first time I ever really felt anything for a girl. To this day, I still feel and identify as Bisexual, even though I am in a long term relationship that's quiet serious, with a man. He lights up my world, and blessed me with our beautiful daughter. But I will always find women and girls attractive. Some day, maybe I can have the best of both. Until then, I'm happy with my life.

I hope that sharing my story brings other out to share theirs, and I'm sorry if it was all over the place, it took quiet a bit of me to write this all down. I've never told anyone how I felt about M, and only recently came out to my family as Bi. Regardless, its okay. I'm okay with being a little gay.