Is homophobia still a problem amongst us – hidden within those who claim otherwise?

Please note I am writing this from the perspective of a guy in his late thirties in the UK, I am well aware it is a stronger issue in other countries. I am relating this matter to how things are in the UK as that is where I have lived all my life so it is my sole reference point. For those struggling in countries with no LGBT+ rights at all my heart burns for you.

With that said it doesn’t bring me joy to write this at all but I have a point to make here and it starts with a two questions.

1) Would you date a person who is bisexual?

2) Be concerned if your partner revealed they were?

Think about it and let it resonate for a moment and then think where your answer truly comes from if you said no to question 1 and yes to question 2. For many I hope, there is no issue with either this, as there shouldn’t be (for those people get in touch as I long to hear from like-minded people!). Unfortunately, in my experience I have met many people, some close to me who have issue with this and it boggles my mind with the justifications I hear. As mentioned I can only offer the perspective of a bisexual man; for all the bisexual women out there please, or indeed anyone whose doesn’t class themselves as undeniably straight, get in touch as I do wonder what your thoughts are.

The most prevalent reason I hear is “I couldn’t date a bisexual man as my last guy was and cheated on me with a guy(s)”. Whilst this is terrible and I take no joy in hearing of this either, I have to counter, what if he cheated on you with another woman? Are you never going to get with a guy who states he only likes women? The problem with this statement is the woman has cast a view that because she was cheated on by a bisexual man, that others are likely to be just as untrustworthy. This here, is a root of a homophobia that I believe exists in our society still and I wish to address it head on. It appears to exist in a sense as to cast aspersions on people like myself who have an attraction for both, and seem not to care to find out what this really means for the individual. I am one of many, many people who find attraction to both genders. What it means for me is likely to be very different from the next person in a similar position down the road, (I for one, know my attraction is strong for women, I see relationships, long term, marriage, but with men I do not.) This statement above seems to be ignorant to this vast difference despite how nonsensical it is. The guy who has cheated has shown how untrustworthy he is because he is untrustworthy in his nature. Meanwhile the next bisexual man could give all the happiness anyone could desire and be entirely trustworthy. Those that choose this view against bisexuality are just as likely to get with the next guy claiming no attraction to men only to find that he also could cheat on them, with a woman as well. Where has this position gotten you then? The bottom line here is that a persons fidelity to you has absolutely nothing to do with their sexuality.

The next reason I hear is often closely linked to the first; “I couldn’t compete with a guy if he wanted to get with another guy.” Again think about that one and realise that this is truly shortsighted. I’ll shoot from the hip here; if anyone in a relationship is going to cheat on you, with anyone, whether it be a large as them actively meeting others to chatting online, you have already lost. What are you hoping to compete with? Say he likes this other women who, say has a far prettier smile or a more fun and outgoing personality; are you going to tolerate that and compete by becoming something you are not just to please this guy who clearly doesn’t appreciate you for who you are? I would like to think not! The same applies if he has eyes for another guy as it matters not one bit that you can’t offer what he has because he is already thinking of cheating on you. There is another root cause again and once again it has nothing to do with his sexuality and believe it or not people from my perspective and others who find attraction to both are completely capable of being faithful. The view here that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is that because I am who I am that I am far more likely to be unfaithful. Apologies for the personal tone I am using but is this fair? Does this speak to another issue regarding the insecurities of others?

Another reason I have heard is “I want my guy to be solely attracted to me and to my femininity alone.” This one I heard recently and from someone I love so it was especially puzzling to me. It stems once again from a distrust in anything other than staunch heterosexuality in that a “bisexual man couldn’t possible respect all I am as a woman because he finds men attractive to.” It is ludicrous as of course we can. How does being attracted to more than one gender render you unable to show love, care, and consideration towards a partner?! There is no intention to find or care to understand how the perspectives from a man in my shoes (or another similar pair) thinks and could act towards her. How does she know the next “straight” guy is solely and always will be into her any more so than the next guy who won’t be? Answer? She can’t possibly know. It is once again no reason to discount someone’s ability to be in a relationship because of their sexuality. Those that have any success with this view are just plain lucky.

Because luck really is what it takes to make a long term relationship work, as well as natural attraction and hard work, surely? Why make it more complicated by having this view against someone for their sexuality alone?

Some will argue “I can’t help what I am attracted” to and I guess there is a point there. However if your reasons are similar I wish to ask “if you find that your attraction to a person dies on a dime if you were to discover something like this, say, well into a relationship, when all they have done is show you love and care and respect, maybe the problem is you, not them.”

We need to focus, I think, on what has caused this view and I believe it is from the stigma that came with being gay/lesbian/bi/trans that carried far harsher reactions/punishments not too long ago, in the UK at least. Jokes were often made about being “gay” or being “bent” (which, during my teen years it was very common) and as a result many, many people were left supressing what could be a burning desire to get off their chest, for fear of this stigma.

How horrible that many felt the need to keep who they were to themselves?

I for one kept my thoughts quiet from 14 (when they first began) to 21 when finally started talking about it. That weight off my shoulders was enormous!

Then I joined the online dating game in around 2008. Since then it has grown to be one very, very fickle beast with people making all kinds of rash decisions on someone’s worth with the speed of a flicking thumb left or right.

I myself had concerns about placing “bisexual” on my profile for many years. I was concerned my chances would slip if I did. I then spoke with a women who, for all intents and purposes was lovely from the outset, though her quick fire questions made it clear she was checking a list to ensure I fit her “mould” if you will. The checklist of hers must have had a huge red cross when she geared the conversation around my sexuality (yes this actually happened, despite us talking about the music we enjoyed and getting to the cusp of arranging a first date in a nice local restaurant). She turned on a dime and at break neck pace to decide I was no longer the right fit for her. She gave the first two reasons I mentioned at the start and also threw in some vile statements about what she thinks a man of her “calibre” should desire and not desire. I was shocked that this women, in the UK, in her early thirties had such disgusting views. They were, in her firm opinion however, as we did speak a little after this reveal (as I was keen to learn where this change of opinion came despite how much we had in common elsewhere) not homophobic because she had a cousin who was gay.

Let me make this clear, because you accept people in your life who are gay or lesbian or anything other than what you are and what you stand for, it doesn’t mean you are not homophobic. It is laughable to think that the scale of discrimination comes in either “you are or you aren’t”. It, unfortunately has many sides to it ranging from:

• The worst of humanity

• To those who have vile thoughts, speak about but don’t act on them

• To vile thoughts but don’t speak about them

• To having milder views that keep to themselves

• To women like the one I spoke with who accept it in some ways but find it totally unacceptable to have in their personal lives.

The error this woman ultimately made was making no effort whatsoever, firmly slamming the door in fact, to whatever chance that could’ve meant something, from happening. I find myself laughing almost at the logic she used to ensure that the next guy she gets with will be a guy ensuring he only has an attraction to women when she cannot possible guarantee it. That experience with her and others who I have heard share similar views, which with the concerning amount of women this topic has been spoken with is the main cause of me writing this article, has also prompted me to write this scale below. For me it outlines the spectrum of how varied a guys interest in other guys can be, take from it what you will.

1) Zero interest in men – 100% genuinely only attracted to women

2) Has a very quiet appeal to men – maybe has a thought now and then of doing something but never will do anything about it, quite happy to secure with others how they have never been attracted to men

3) Slightly stronger attraction to men as they watch gay porn a lot or quite frequently and maybe entertain meeting a guy for real – most very worried about if they will ever enjoy it, attraction to women far more superior

4) Attraction to men is there – wholeheartedly and not abashed to say out loud – definitely watch gay porn and have met men in real life

5) Actively has sex with men, maybe even has a relationship with them but can easily have a relationship with women as well. Could be considered pansexual

6) Has relationships with men and is into sex with women on a curious on-the-side way

7) Overtly into relationships with men but also having casual sex with women

8) Has relationships with men, mainly into sex with them, but does dabble with the idea of sex with them but not really fussed

9) Has a loud a confident attraction to men, only ever been curious about women

10) Zero interest in women – 100% focused on men and having a relationship with them

Bare in mind that any one persons attractions to ANYONE can slide amongst these stages including your own, throughout a lifetime. We just don’t know for sure until life throws us these curveballs at us and until then we might still be unsure. You could of course be 1 or 10 and have been sure it from day one.

My main point is this, if you are in the dating game and come across someone who shows they are attracted to more than just your gender, give them a chance, you just never know if they might be the best thing that ever happened to you…

On a separate and equally important note, if you are struggling with coming out and have thoughts about how to go about it please click on this link to the LGBT foundation

https://lgbt.foundation/comingout