In Defense of a Friend

Looking at this picture of me in 10th grade it would be easy to write me off as a skinny, meek, nerdy kid; which was true for the most part. What this photo doesn't tell you is that even as a skinny, meek, nerdy kid I was fiercely loyal to my friends. Between bullies and algebra they were the only thing that kept me sane at school. These are the people that I ate lunch with, played after school with, grew into my teenage years with, and survived a lot of troubling times with. It was through them that I learned who I was, and what I stood for, but that wasn’t an easy journey.

Being gay in high school was hellish. To be clear I’m not gay, but I was gay adjacent. That’s when you’re completely straight, but you aren’t popular with girls, you have no hobbies that society considers masculine, and you have friends that are gay, so people assume you’re gay too. I still vividly remember a kid who wasn’t even in our class walking into the room to interrupt a conversation between my friends and I just to call us f**s and leave. Homophobia was weird like that in high school. Other students would actively go out of their way to torment you if they even thought you were gay. The oddest part is that the tormentors would participate in the practices they associated with being homosexual, like wearing feminine clothes or being physically intimate with other men. Imagine being accused of being gay by a six foot tall football player who wore a vibrant pink Dora the Explorer backpack and regularly grabbed his male friend’s ass.

It was a confusing time for me, but more so for my friends who were actually gay. This was especially true for one friend in particular, who we’ll call Kevin for anonymity’s sake. See Kevin never actually admitted to being gay while in high school, but we all knew. He had all the mannerisms of a stereotypical gay man from an early 2000’s television show.

Despite it being obvious he insisted he wasn’t gay or would dodge the question when asked. Clearly that didn’t save him from the onslaught of bullies. It was mostly verbal harassment, but there was one time in particular where it almost became physical and our bond as friends was strengthened because of it.

It was many students after school ritual to visit the local store for snacks, my friends and I were no exception. There were three of us that day: Me the twiggy, socially awkward nerd, Kevin the clearly gay closeted boy, and Angelo the chubby, and effeminate geek. Together we were a field day for bullies.

We had already purchased our snacks and were headed for Kevin’s house. It had become part of my personal ritual to maximize my time with my friends by first hitting the store, then walking to Kevin’s, next doubling back to the store which also served as the bus stop for Angelo, and finally heading home. It was a peaceful journey most days, but today was different. Today we had the unfortunate pleasure of sharing the route with a group of older students.

There was Dexter the aforementioned six foot tall football player, Troy a tall and lean football player, and their friend who didn’t even attend our school. Looking back on it now, the latter was the cause of it all. The bullies from our school were terrible no doubt, but there were limits on what they’d do knowing they could face consequences at school. This guy however carried none of that caution and it was obvious. We, the condemned trio, were walking a bit ahead of the other three but well within earshot. A clear and distinct voice erupted from behind us “So are all of you gay or just him?” Now out of context that may seem like a fair and reasonable question, but within this situation the words oozed with provocation and disgust. Laughs and jeers from at least one other followed.

I was not a brave boy, but courage (or foolishness) swelled in me, not for my sake, but for Kevin. He had endured taunting like this on a daily basis and typically did a fair job of defending himself, but today I wouldn’t stand for it. I steeled myself and yelled back a defiant “None of us are gay.” Now it’s an important side note that Kevin was definitely gay, but when your friend is in the closet it’s your duty to stand outside and defend it until they’re ready to come out. Hilariously enough we also discovered much later that Angelo was gay as well, which made my verbal defense highly inaccurate in hindsight.

Still at the time I thought it a fair and reasonable response, but to the instigator it was the spark of conflict that he wished to ignite. It also didn’t help that Kevin had developed a venomous tongue as a defense mechanism and added plenty of sass to my initial statement.

From that moment onward the nameless bully began hurling insults and threats of physical violence.

Our usual peaceful trek was now a journey of survival; overwhelming enemies at the rear, and only a lengthy path ahead. The route to Kevin’s house from the store was a straight shot, which normally made it convenient, but today was an element of our trapping. With no branching pathways besides one at the end of the street that led back to school were were forced to endure the looming threat of getting our asses kicked. At this point in my life I knew for sure that I couldn’t properly defend myself, Kevin would be no help in a fight, and I doubted Angelo would be either, especially against guys twice our size.

Though honestly I was only 50/50 on if it would come to blows. The only one of the older boys that wasn’t participating in the jeering was Troy. Unbeknownst to everyone at school Troy was my downstairs neighbor. Our mothers were well acquainted, and our families had been very cordial. He was the same boy who had assisted in carrying me out of my room and to my mom’s car when I had a medical emergency a few years earlier and couldn’t move. I didn’t think he’d beat me up, but I also wasn’t sure if he’d stop his friends from doing so. We were neighbors, but not really close on any personal level. We’d speak greetings at home, but resort to quick head nods while at school. The only other trump card we held was that Angelo was on the football team along with the two from our school. Though he was effeminate and nerdy he was stocky enough to make his way onto the football team, and sociable enough to make his way into other social circles. Being teammates did not make them friends however. We were still liable to get into a fight if the situation didn’t change.

Time began to blur and the sidewalk before us seemed to stretch on forever. There was no turning back, nor looking back as the former would signal we were challenging and prepared for a fight. The taunts increased in volume, grew more provocative, and earned more laughter all while we endured it and walked on in near silence. It was enough to make any normal kid regret even speaking up for his friend in the first place. I didn’t however, and when I realized that a newfound strength grew in me. It was in that moment that I discovered a piece of who I really am. I was determined to protect my friend even if it meant getting my ass kicked. That was a pretty amazing realization for a meek kid who feared getting his ass kicked on the daily. Eventually that fear was alleviated, at least for that day, when we reached the branching path and those who tormented us took the route back towards the school. The sinking feeling in our bellies dissipated, and we silently celebrated no physical harm being done to us. To this day Angelo and I reminisce on the event and laugh.

That day wasn’t so memorable for me because we escaped being beat up, or because we stood what little ground we had against some homophobic jerk; events like those happened time and time again throughout high school. It was special because I had discovered something inside myself that I’ve carried with me in the 10+ years since that event. I discovered the depth of my affection for my friends, and what lengths I’m willing to endure for their sake. There are many tear filled late night phone calls, distressed facetimes, and overly long highly emotional text threads that attest to this. I’m the friend in the group that ensures no one is being over talked, forgotten, or left out. I’m the friend that’s going to support your latest project, make time to hang out if you’re distressed, and give you my honest opinion when it’s needed. It’s a trait that was always beneath the surface, and that one bad day brought it to the forefront. So for all my friends suffering through more bad days, just know I’ll be there for you. It’s authentically who I am.