I'm coming out!

I’ve never felt the need to “come out.” Let me back up and introduce myself:

My name is Sara and I identify as pansexual. Now, for those of you who I’ve met and known “offline”, in particular, I’m willing to bet that there’s at least a few of you who assumed otherwise. And many who’ve never really considered it. If that’s the case, I want to start with 2 things:

1. I don’t advertise OR hide my pan identity - so unless you asked, I’m guessing it just “never came up”;

and more importantly

2. If you know me and made an assumption because I’m straight-passing and my current and previous long term relationships to your knowledge were with cis straight men, perhaps read on to maybe understand a different perspective and/or challenge future assumptions - or not, your choice ✌️ (Also applies to those who don't know me, but would have assumed I was straight because I am female-passing and in a relationship with a male.)

I find difficulty with our binary societal “norm” when it comes to gender.. and I also believe that LOVE IS LOVE. Both of these factors likely influence my self-identity as pan. If you’re unfamiliar, pansexual is simply defined by "being attracted to people regardless of gender".

So, back to where we started... I’ve never really felt a need to “come out”. My closest friends & family know how I identify, but aside from that.. I’ve been pseudo-comfortable being straight-passing and letting others think what they think. I’m no shy “ally”, if you did believe me for straight passing... there is LGBTQIA+ support running throughout my social media. (I’d say through my in person conversations too, but I feel like it’s been 18 months since my last real in-person conversation. Thanks, Covid.)

So why this post? Why now?

Aside from wanting to share this art piece… I’ve been feeling called to share my story. More recently, I’ve also been sharing my LGBTQIA+ artworks as a ‘Queer Artist’, albeit quietly.... check the hashtags, it’s there. The truth is, I have a great deal of imposter syndrome identifying as a queer individual and have only recently started “labelling” myself as such.

Recently, for one because I hate labels. I don’t want to be put into a box, my existence, my identity, it’s all fluid ... so if today I’m pan, but tomorrow decide I no longer identify as such, this whole “coming out” custom becomes a chore 😆

And secondly, there is erasure for those who identify as bi, pan or even those who are fluid with their sexual identity. We still live in a highly monosexual space in time - where monosexism is the belief that identities such as heterosexual and gay/lesbian are more legitimate or valid than non-monosexual identities. This is erasure is further validated by a history of public acknowledgement of my straight-passing relationships with straight, cis males. And the assumption made by monosexist individuals, even those who don’t realize they are monosexist. Even simple comments like asking if I have a “boyfriend”, because I’m female(-passing) and straight-passing, causes erasure. Don’t get me wrong, our society and upbringing has lodged these binary ideals deep into our brains. I sometimes still catch myself making simple comments, without thinking, that supports the erasure of individuals who love or are attracted to someone, regardless of gender - until I say it out loud. And that's how I identify!

Now, since I am not LOUD about my pansexuality, a lot of this erasure, invalidity of my identity, is in my own mind - hence the imposter syndrome reference. Erasure and lack of validation felt because of stories shared by those within the LGBTQIA+ community who have experienced erasure first-hand. Felt because my identity isn’t celebrated within my own self or (typically) within my straight-passing relationships. Felt because I’ve never shared my truth, and experienced external validation. And erasure felt because of those who choose to dismiss pan/bi labels, for monosexist alternatives.

My pseudo-comfort with being straight-passing has started to itch, it’s not full on discomfort yet, but it’s to the point where it’s VERY annoying. "Coming out" conflicts with my desire to not want to use labels, conflicts with my desire to not care what people think, or to rely on external sources of validation, of my own identity. But, I also want to be clear and transparent for those who are supporting me as a queer-artist. I think people deserve to know who the artist is, when they are representing a community, with their artwork - such as myself. It provides some perspective to their representation within their art work, instead of potentially being perceived as taking away space from a minority-represented group, like the LGBTQIA+ community.

Let me add - When it comes to being straight-passing, I am not ignorant to the fact that I am so very privileged. Privileged to not have to fear loving who I love, out loud. All based on how I present and am perceived by my family, friends, colleagues, and the general public; when it comes to “my” identity. Privileged because there are too many places where my actual identity as a pansexual would not only be unsafe for me, but still criminalized. And as much progress as we seem to have made in metropolitan areas of Southern-Ontario, we still have individuals in our communities who probably don’t see any issue with criminalization of someones identity, that doesn't align with their out-dated beliefs.

I want society to get to a place, where there doesn’t need to be these identities that separate us… because under it all, we’re all humans who have basic needs, and want to be loved. As Hallmark Channel as it sounds, it’s true. And the identities cause so much separation, hatred and violence that is just senseless to me.

So now you may know me a bit better. This isn’t for validation, as much as it may help me to feel validated - that was not my intention in sharing this. Ultimately, I felt drawn to share this to hopefully provide some vulnerability and transparency Re: Me; to declare my support and how I fit into the LGBTQIA+ community, identifying as a queer artist; and maybe even to challenge some dated-perceptions of how we see the world. And if I’m lucky, this will serve as a sign, or the courage, for someone out there to be more authentically themselves. Because that’s ultimately what we all need to be, for ourselves.

The TL;DR version is I’m pansexual, straight-passing, but coming out of the closet and hopefully alleviating some of my imposter syndrome surrounding identifying as queer. Also F**K labels.