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I Am Still Valid

Living queer in a straight-presenting relationship.

By Emily MainorPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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I Am Still Valid
Photo by Jiroe on Unsplash

I am a pansexual woman who has never had a serious relationship with anyone who doesn't identify as a male. I have had "talking" stages with individuals who identify as a gender other than male, but it never went past that stage. In my teenage years, this was mainly due to my fear of being out to people other than those in my small friend group. Currently, it is due to another reason.

I am currently only 22 and am now more comfortable with my sexuality than I ever have been, but I will never be in a serious relationship with someone who is not a cis male... because I fell in love with my current fiancé when I was 19. When we first got involved, I honestly did not think that it was going to turn into anything serious. We met at my first job and I thought it was going to be something short or casual. I was quickly proved wrong. He found a way to break through walls I had been putting up for years and he accepted me. I love him with my whole being and I know he loves me the same way and I have no doubt that he is my person. However, I have found it hard to feel like a valid member of the LGBTQIA+ community since my relationship appears to be completely straight.

I have found that when someone who is bisexual, pansexual, or a similar sexual orientation is in a straight-presenting relationship, then it feels like you do not belong anywhere. I don't enjoy appearing to be straight because although there is nothing wrong with being straight, I am not. When people assume that I am straight it feels like I have lost that queer part of me that I struggled for so long to accept and be comfortable with. On the flip side, it feels like I am not always fully accepted in the LGBTQIA+ community because of who I am in a relationship with. I know this does not apply to everyone and a big part of the community still loves and accepts people in straight-presenting relationships, but there is still some out there who do not and when you do not know who will or won't accept you then it can feel scary. No one wants to feel like a misfit, especially in a community that is meant to be accepting of everyone who identifies as belonging to that community.

I have felt as though I had to mourn my sexuality in a way, because I will likely never fully experience what it is like to live as someone in an obviously queer relationship. It sometimes feels like I skipped the part of my life where I would explore different relationships and gain more diverse life experiences. I will not say that I regret meeting my significant other at all, but there are brief moments when I wonder what life would have been like if I met him later in life. And I think that it's okay for anyone in any situation to wonder what life would have looked like if certain things happened differently.

By Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I still love the queer community and support everyone involved in it, but I think we all need to be more vocal about supporting everyone - even those in straight-presenting relationships. Who you fall in love with should not erase another part of who you are. I am in love with and marrying a straight man, but that does not make me straight.

I am still pansexual.

I am still valid.

Identity
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About the Creator

Emily Mainor

Welcome to my profile! I am Emily (she/her) and I hope to share stories about my personal life experiences as well as some fiction.

Instagram: @emily_lauren98

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