Happy Trans-versary to Me

Happy Trans-versary to me. It has been official 2 years since I began my transition into my authentic true self. It has been a very interesting 2 years so far and there is so much I have learned: both positive and negative. Where to even begin?

In the beginning, it was difficult to come out. I didn’t have the courage to change my pronouns, let alone my name. I was initially going to keep my deadname, but as my journey continued, I realized that my deadname would no longer match who I had become. It eventually evolved to a point where both my name and my pronouns needed to be changed. It was a full commitment moment in spite of how terrifying it felt.

Choosing the right name may have been one of the most difficult parts of this journey. When your born, you don’t have a say on your name. Your parents just give it to you (or assign it) and then you have to spend your life becoming that name (good or bad). When you decide to change your name (transitioning or not), it’s quite a lengthy process. First, there are so many names to choose from, how do you find the right fitting name? Second, do you simple pick a name that already exists, or do you try to be more creative and come up with something that’s unique? These are some of the questions one has to deal with when they decide to break away from the norm and live authentically. When I finally did find my name, I did what some call: “The Starbucks Test.” I know it sounds weird, but it is definitely what I did to determine if my chosen name was fitting or not. How it works is: you changed my name on the Starbucks app and placed an order. Then you wait for the barista to call your name. Once you hear it, if it seems fitting, then that’s the name for you. For me, it worked. Since then, I have been with my new name. I know it’s fitting because I even had a co-worker mention how perfectly it fits me. This is one of a few positives to come from being a trans-woman.

Two years since the beginning and I am happier. I cannot stress that enough. I need to keep reminding people how this change has lead to a much satisfying life for myself. Very few people knew the torment I was suffering before I began my journey. No one knew the depression I suffered daily. No one knew how much I wanted to end my life or the attempts I made to do so. How could anyone know? I never talked about it. I didn’t share what I was thinking with anyone. Everyone thought I was happy-go-lucky. I think I did a pretty damned good job of covering up what I was feeling. Once I figured out the root of my depression, I began to change. I didn’t expect the weight in my heart to be lifted and from that weight the rapid flow of self-love to emerge. As a result, I have been able to focus more on work, writing and other hobbies. I am definitely a whole new person.

Of course, as with anything, there is also strife. When I started, there were those who didn’t understand what was happening to me. With that came name calling. Pretty explicit name calling for that matter. To the people outside of my inner circle, I was queer. I was against the norm, and I was treated as such. Because of these negative actions towards me, fear and anxiety grappled me. For example, there came a point when I didn’t even know which bathroom to walk into for fear of confrontation (still have this fear, just not on the level it was when I first began). And of course, I had my first sexual harassment encounter as a trans-woman.

One day, a strange male approached me and decide to make me his target for his sexual release. He began to attempt to seduce me in hopes that I would agree to his invitation. I, of course, rejected him and luckily he gave up. It could have been worse. He could have taken it further and used violence to get what he wanted. It was a lesson that I will never forget, and an action I will never repeat. Sadly, I know this will not be the last time some male will look at me as a sex object. While I haven’t had an encounter like the first one (a lot thanks to COVID shutting down businesses), I still receive digital flirts from random men via direct messages. This is definitely a new aspect of life for me (honestly can’t help if I that beautiful, lol).

Another challenging obstacle in my life is meeting people who knew me before I began my journey. I am really beginning to understand why many transgender people take the initiative to move. When you begin your journey in an area where people still know and recognize you for who you were, it’s very taxing. It stings everyday when I have to constantly correct people on my pronouns, or remind them of my name. I try to be understanding because I know habits are hard to change particularly when you have known someone for who they were for years. I wish I could just pack up and move, but that would not be ideal considering my current situation. Let me reiterate that: yes, I could pack up and move. I could leave behind all that I have right now and start fresh someplace else. I could transfer to a different school, I could move to a different state. Yes, it could be that easy. However, it really is not. But that’s all details for another story.

Additionally, it’s difficult meeting new people for the first time. I have new anxiety when meeting people now because I don’t know how they are going to react to me. I don’t know if they are going to accept me for who I am, or if they are going to be hostile. There are some cis-women who are TERFs (Trans-Exclusive Radical Feminist) meaning they will not accept me at all. There are also people who refuse to understand what it means to be transgender, or don’t believe a person can change their gender. You can see why I sometimes have small anxiety attacks upon a first encounter. For example, I was with a group of women and when the issue of bathroom came up, a woman who was providing directions to the nearest bathroom suddenly points out to me: “the men’s room is to the left.” It was like a stinging slap to my face. Yes, I felt insulted by her assumption of where I have to go in order to relieve myself of bodily waste.

These are some of the issues I have had to deal with in the past two years. I don’t regret my decision to change. Why would I, since I am presently so much more satisfied with my life. I have finally found self-love, something I never felt at all until now. I do still wish I was born as a cis-woman because then I would not have to face the challenges I am facing now (however, truth be told, if I were born as a cis-woman, I would have other sets of challenges; some that would intertwine with the challenges I face now). I can’t change how I was born, but I am hoping through my writing I can continue to educate others on the trials and tribulations every transgender person has to face, whether male or female. In spite of these challenges though, I have made it for 2 wonderfully loved years and look forward to more.

Happy Trans-versary to me.