Going to urinals - ain't that great?

In the Royal Navy, I was once “reliably told”, there are two types of men: “Men who piss down sinks and liars!” While I have never been in the Royal Navy, I believe I belong in the first group. Hence the reason for exploring why do men “piss down sinks” and why the urinal's design needs updating.

I once heard a transgender lady interviewed. The most significant difference she reported noticing, since changing sex, was the state of the ladies’ toilets compared to the mens'. Ladies’ toilets were always cleaner. Is this comparison a consequence of men standing up while ladies sit down?

Unlike in ladies washrooms, conversation is not as common in The Gents. However the maintenance man I discovered working on a disused company toilet in a disused part of an office building, where I was required to "set-up shop" and work from, told me there is an "industry standard" for the height of urinal installation. But why is it fixed so low down on the wall? There the mystery remains.

Who invented the urinal? Were we all midgets when the first urinal was prototyped and has this prototype never moved on? Perhaps the height was an inventor’s ploy? "It's his fault!" I bet they laughed all the way to their grave knowing the havoc their invention would cause to someone. Someone who splashed when they slashed, over bleach blocks, or just missed altogether and piddled on the floor or down their trousers.

The urinal design was allegedly patented in 1886, or at least "as we know it today", by Andrew Rankin. He is also credited as the urinals' inventor, although there are thoughts about what he has given us being based on other prototypes existing in that era. I hope Andrew Rankin also takes credit, even beyond grave, for puddles on the floor and splash-back on trousers, from his design and courtesy of the inventor of auto-flush cycles catching us unaware.

Maybe from beyond the grave both inventors can also observe the modern disaster of “Autoflush”: Designed to give you a shower, and look like you’ve wet yourself, if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. If only someone had designed a user controlled flushing system instead. Then your light coloured trousers would not be endangered by the “Autoflush” catching you unaware or is the “Autoflush” only about saving water?

Modern urinals are not even user friendly designs, being so petite, when compared with older versions which were at least larger. So does the design need updating or do we even need urinals? We don't have urinals at home! If they are so good, and I'm recognising life has moved on since "days of the outside loo", why are urinals not standard installation in new build homes? They only exist in public places, it seems. If they were that great to use, surely we would have urinals everywhere and not just in public buildings.

Your first encounter with a urinal is likely to be in a public toilet with parental supervision, unless your mum took you into the ladies toilets instead. Failing that, you will definitely adapt to using this abnormality when you start going to school. By the end of the day the boy’s toilet always had a wet floor from misspent wee-wee. "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat", as a poster once said, cannot be applied to the urinal.

The sink is a much better height, and prototype, so a combination with the urinal would be good. Here the actions of the comic strip character in Minnie's Mixer come to mind. The sink is about the right height for most of us. You have better protection against accidentally spraying your trousers or going all over the floor, unless the sink has been disconnected and you didn’t realise. The rim of a sink stops all these mishaps from occurring. “Knobby” will be kept well out of harm’s way. To “flush” you just turn on the taps. Some taps do have “auto shut-off” so saving water is still achievable and a squirt of bleach into the sink drain will stop the sink smelling like a toilet.

If we got rid of the urinal and used a traditional toilet everywhere, in the way that ladies do, it eliminates the need for standing and potentially piddling down your trousers or on the floor from greater heights? You also have the loo roll by your side, unless someone emptied it and didn’t notify facilities. But at least the sink would keep us standing upright, as nature intended. Perhaps the urinal is also about encouraging wanton chit-chat between men having a piddle or is it only for speed?

A girl called Jane, making reference to providing a urine sample, said “well it's easier for men to aim”. That is definitely an advantage for men, not just for providing that sample at hospital, but when you need to take a whiz in the middle of nowhere or behind a bush at the side of the road. But then you could say so is having an indwelling catheter and being able to empty the bag through the gap created from an open car door, but not while the car is in motion!

Urinals cannot be an equality issue. We do not have ladies urinals in the same public places! Nobody seems to be jumping up and down demanding their installation and that is probably wise. If the urinal was that good, why is there no ladies version already? Obviously different clothing, and different anatomy, could make it impractical. Unless, you regard the current urinal as another prototype that could be "improved on". But how are ladies on piddling standing up? The same problems as for men with a less directable jet comes to mind and getting undergarments soaking wet as a result. With that undignified vision, maybe ladies should stick to what they already use.

So are urinals solely about traffic management and nothing else? “It certainly seems that way” in my opinion. That is the reason why there are “men who piss down sinks”. Men who say they do not are liars.

Look out Dragon's Den, I'm coming in with my invention...

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