Girls Rule, Boys Drool

“When I grow up, I’m gonna marry Justin Bieber!”

“No fair! I want Justin!”

“You already have Zayn!”

I sat quietly on the soccer field as my friends talked over one another. This was a daily occurrence. We’d get our lunches, find the shady spot under the big tree, and talk about boys until lunchtime was up. I’d rather practice my jump-roping, but I guess in fourth grade you don’t jump rope anymore. Instead, you talk about boys.

“What about you?”

The group went silent as they all turned to me.

“What?”

“Who do you wanna marry? We still have Louis from One Direction and Cole Sprouse.”

My classmates looked at me expectantly. I never contributed to these conversations and up until now, they never asked me to. I didn’t even know what Louis from One Direction looked like. And the only reason why I knew of Cole Sprouse was because I was a huge fan of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody (although I paid more attention to London than I did Cody).

I twisted my hands in my lap nervously and blurted out, “I’ll marry Cole.”

They accepted that answer and spent the rest of the time envisioning what my and Cole’s future children would look like. They argued whether our kids would have brown or blue eyes (most likely brown—someone used a Punnett square to confirm this), and they debated on whether or not I’d have twins.

I thought it was silly to devote so much time thinking about boys.

Boys were gross anyway. They smelled bad and pushed you onto the mulch and made you scrape your knees.

Why would you want to marry Cole Sprouse when Vanessa Hudgens exists?

However, that sentiment wasn’t accepted by my peers or by any adults in my life. I grew up Catholic. I went to a Christian school. I was taught that liking girls was wrong. And I didn’t understand why.

At ten years old, me liking girls didn’t feel wrong. It was just another fact about me. A fact I had to keep secret, but a fact nonetheless. I didn’t think it was such a big deal, but everyone around me acted as though liking girls would earn me a one way ticket to Hell.

Despite disagreeing with everyone, I knew not to say anything. I did attend a Christian school, after all. Plus, homosexuality was against the code of conduct. I didn’t want to risk getting expelled. So, I kept it to myself.

My friends put Zayn’s name in an arrow heart while I put Vanessa’s.

And in my mind, that was okay.